A/N: Hoo ya, it's been a while. I'd like to say that was because I've been planning this doozy of a chapter, but I've just been busy pretending to do schoolwork. Also, I feel uncomfortable saying the word It always sounded vaguely wrong, like something a streetwalker would say. Hey, big boy. How much is a doozy worth to you? Anyway, I want some touching orchestral music here, because this is... brace yourself... the VERY LAST CHAPTER. Make with the music... ah, here it comes...okay, where the hell's the wiseass who cued up Handel's ? But I digress. This is my seminal work, my opus, my Hotel California, my Big Fish. Also, there are several scenes and lines in this chapter that are strikingly similar to those in various movies. That's parody, not ripoff.
Unfortunately, both TPYS and the enemy had dispersed and scattered throughout the cafeteria. Even more unfortunately, this chapter was probably going to be a long one, since the author was SO concerned about tying up all the loose ends A/N: Like hell. Let's see, what was going on? Oh yeah, that crap with the lightsaber and the katana. Carol thrust at Zack, as Zack parried. So you sold us out. Zack said casually. Carol said proudly. What was the promised prize? asked Zack. When all are dead, half the lunch money will be yours? Oh, nothing like that. Carol said. Parry. Thrust. Jab. I've just been carrying on an affair with Weaving for a few months. Jab. Parry. Vomit. That's NAUSEATING. said Zack. He's like forty. Parry. But he's so HANDSOME. said Carol. And those eyes... The ones whose color no one can figure out? asked Zack. Thrust. Parry. And of all the guys you could have, you choose me and freakin' Elrond? Thrust. Parry. I like my guys mature and craggy, thanks very much. Much like you like your girls sneaky and mistrustworthy. Jab. I don't LIKE them like that. Zack said indignantly It's just that all the pretty ones are that way. Jab. Parry. The opinions of Mr. Zack Budryk are not necessarily those of or its subsidiaries. Jab.
Over in the other fight, the one with Rose and Susan, things were going similarly. Well, not exactly. Moments before, the two had begun ripping at each other's clothes and hair, and both had fallen into a kiddie pool of Jello that had appeared out of nowhere...OW! OW! For Chrissakes, I was KIDDING! Damn! Hey, you, with the copy of ! Put that down!
IMPORTANT MESSAGE
The author is currently suffering from a massive cerebral hemorrhage. He will be indefinitely replaced by J.R.R. Tolkien.
THAT IS ALL
All right, first of all, there are too many broads in this story. That's been bugging me. I'll kill all of them off when I get a chance. Where was I? Ah, yes. Rose and Susan. Suddenly, Susan broke into an old song that she had learned in her ancient land of Liebnizquarantino:
Liebnizquarantino!
Just like Tarantino,
It's gory, but still kind of funny.
I'll speak of my race til I'm blue in the face...
Hey, I just wrote a song; where's my money?
The epic battle began. Again. No quarter was asked, and none given. Today, you will know the name of Rose, daughter of Yutznor, varlet, for I hold the blade Suethebastard, which slew the Schmuck chieftain Yermudda, son of Yerfase, in the year A Billion, Seventieth and A Quarter Age, the Age of Recreational Botox Users.
NOTE
The regularly scheduled author, through the miracle of acupuncture, managed to recover in record time, even though NOW staged a protest outside his window. After he explained himself, and promised to stop using the phrase chick flick in casual conversation, they dispersed, and he rushed back to his computer, just as Tolkien was about to have all the female characters commit mass suicide. The newly-enlightened author would also like to apologize for Tolkien's use of the word , and wishes to emphasize that the female characters are not going to all be killed off. He is, however, impressed that Tolkien was able to come up with a rhyme for .
END OF NOTE
All right, now that that crap's over, we can get back on track. Let's go back to the Carol/Zack fight. Jab. Parry. Jab. Jab. I've been wondering, Carol asked. Where did you get that sword? Zack smiled. It's a chopper, baby. he said slyly. The blade cut through the air and met its target. Carol screamed as her hand fell to the ground. Her pain turning to rage, she drove the lightsaber into his upper arm. He screamed even louder. After a momentary breakup of the monotony, the battle resumed, only now one of them was nursing a second-degree burn/puncture wound and the other one had only one hand, so they were both good and mad. They both fought long, with the fury of twenty men, and... aw, crap, the scent of Tolkien still lingers here. But past that, they were fighting pretty hard. Carol forced Zack into a corner. You know what? she said maliciously, winding up for the final blow. Warren Zevon SUCKS. Zack's eyes glazed over with hatred. He lashed out with the katana. Oh, that is just disgusting. said Logan, watching from the sidelines, as Carol's head rolled to a halt next to her hand.
Meanwhile, Rose and Susan were engaged in the struggle of the ages, but I don't do many descriptions beyond so-and-so kneed XYZ in the crotch, so I'm going to leave it your imagination, which is probably pretty limited if you rely on me for entertainment. Seeing Rose momentarily distracted by the sudden end of Zack and Carol's battle, Susan ran in the other direction. Rose tried to run after her, only to lose her in the crowd. Marcus ran through the rabble after the villainess and quickly disappeared from site. Zack caught Rose's eye and gestured for her to follow him. They ran in the direction the two had gone, only to find themselves on the front steps of the school. They looked around for Susan, but she was nowhere in sight, nor was Marcus. Suddenly, out of the corner of his eye, Zack saw a woman trying to wheel a carriage up the steps. Inside the carriage was a lunchbox. The woman was obviously having difficulty getting it up the steps, probably because it was pretty stupid to put your lunchbox in a carriage when you could just carry it. Figuring they had time, Zack walked over to the woman and started helping her wheel it up. They got to the last step from the top when suddenly Zack caught a glimpse of Susan standing against the flagpole. She held a Gummi Bear with a poisoned blade to Marcus' throat. I'LL DO IT! she shrieked. DON'T THINK I WON'T! Zack and Rose froze in their tracks. Zack accidentally let go of the carriage. It began rolling down the stairs, in a clear path for the parking lot. The woman screamed. Thinking quickly, Rose went into a barrel roll, dived in front of the carriage and wedged her knee between the carriage and the ground, halting its trajectory. Susan tightened her grip on the bear. NOW ME AND THE LITTLE GUY ARE GONNA WALK OUT, AND YOU'RE NOT GONNA FOLLOW US. she thundered. I'M GONNA COUNT TO THREE! she added, noting that Zack was still holding a fistful of Gummi Bears like a hand grenade. You got her? Zack whispered Rose nodded. I got her. Susan was sweating. she yelled. Take her. said Zack. Rose hurled a Gummi Bear at Susan's open mouth. It went straight down her throat. Susan began gagging and asphyxiated on the spot. said Rose. Marcus exhaled as Susan fell over. Everybody breathed a sigh of relief as they walked inside. At long last, the Gummi Bear Wars had come to an end.
FIFTEEN MINUTES LATER
Everybody had finished their lunch, the surviving enemies had been tied up and dumped in the orchestra pit in the auditorium, the Necronomicon had been returned to the library, and there were only minutes left in the lunch period. Hey, look! said Logan. They've got marshmallow peeps three tables down! Everybody laughed. Then they punched him and laughed even harder.

DISCUSSION QUESTIONS:
1. Wouldn't a lightsaber melt a katana?
2. Wait a minute, Marcus choked on bears back in the second chapter! Is this that thing I heard about?
3. Should you really be commended for making a difficult rhyme when you just pulled one of the words out of your ass?
4. You are going to send GreenLantern500 money. True/True