The Great Castle of Sauraman the Unwise
We find Merry, Pippin, Xanthias, Xanthe, Frodo, and some other weirdoes in Frodo's living room.
Frodo: Lets play Scrabble!
Xanthias: You idiot! Do you know who heard that?!
Xanthe: BUAHAHAHAHAHAH! Prodigious!
Xanthias: Told you.
Frodo: How about Yhatzee?
All: Shut Up!
KNOCK AT THE DOOR
Gandalf: Anyone there?
Frodo: Quick! Everyone hide!
Sam: No one's home!
Merry: Idiots! I'm surrounded by idiots!
Gandalf: *Blasts door away.* I've got you you stinking Tooks! Or whatever you are.
Gandalf: No, Not really. I'm Sauraman. Dressed up as Gandalf.
Xanthias: *Grabs remote* Okay, Let's fast-forward to the action.
Before anyone can react, Xanthias hits the fast-forward button and time goes zooming along until they find themselves in the dark castle of Sauraman's.
Pip: I'm hungry.
Merry: At least Strider isn't here. He doesn't know when or how to eat.
Strider, from the depths of the shadows, sneaks up on Merry
Merry: *passed out*
Frodo: *recovering* Strider! Why are you here?
Strider: I also was captured by the evil Sauraman.
Pip: How poetic!
Frodo: Who wrote this stupid thing anyway?
ALL LOOK AT XANTHE
Xanthe: It wasn't me, I swear! I'm not that stupid!
A few hours later
Merry: *just waking up* Where are we!
Frodo: On a pleasure cruise! Where do you think?!
Pip: There's always something coming when he twitches.
Merry: No, It's just that-
Xanthe: *rolls her eyes*
Merry: I had this really weird dream.
Frodo: Dreams happen.
Xanthe: *sarcastic laughter*Haw Haw Haww!
Xanthias: Get on with it!
Merry: Ok. Well, in the dream, I woke up and looked around and you guys were all sleeping. So, I moved toward the wall opposite us and pushed on it. And it opened.
Merry: Fine, I'll prove it to you.
Merry walks over to the wall and pushes. It actually pops open!
Frodo: I think we have a telepathic freak with us.
All walk through the hidden passage.
Once they were through the great small hidden passage, they came upon some steps going up, and some going down.
Strider: *annoyed* What would Arwen do!
Xanthe: Oh no. No!
Strider: *dreamy look in eyes* Arwen, my love, I wrote a song for you.
Xanthias: Takes out hidden remote control and makes threatening gestures at Strider.
Before another move is taken-which would have ended in destruction, by the way- An arrow flies through the air and hits Strider.
Arwen *popping up from the stairs*: Crap! That was supposed to hit Xanthe!
Xanthe: *offended look* What?
Strider: *on the ground dying*: We were really part of Sauraman's army. We've been pretending all this time! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Arwen: Oh my love! You're dying!
Strider: Just a flesh wound.
Xanthe: Did you see Monty Python and the Holy Grail?
Strider: Of course!
Strider gives Arwen one last kiss and then falls to the floor dead.
Merry: Serves him right.
Arwen: I can't imagine life without him! Sauraman, help me!
They all hear a rumbling sound and then a bottle of Cyanide appears in Arwen's hand.
Arwen: Yes! Perfect! Thank you!
She takes the bottle and empties its contents into her mouth. After 3
seconds she also falls dead on top of Strider.
Xanthe: Haven't I seen this somewhere before?
Merry: Like in a Shakespeare play, or something?
After descending the stairs, the group of five travels under a huge arch and then into a great Hall filled with Orcs.
Frodo: Watch out!
All run behind the wall and crouch waiting.
Merry: What's going on?
Frodo: I don't know!
Xanthe: Well, we don't want to be caught, that's all I know.
Xanthias: Gees, you must not know a lot!
Xanthe: *sticks her tongue out at him*
Pip: Shut up!
They turn around, hearing someone coming up from behind them.
Frodo: Who goes there?
Xanthe: No No No! You have to do it like this. Who goeth hither and thither?
Frodo: Does it really matter?
Xanthias: Don't contradict the omnicient Oz
Merry: That was bad.
Xanthias: I know.
Meanwhile, the mysterious person from the shadows starts laughing.
Pip: What's so funny?
Gandalf: It's me, Gandalf!
Frodo: How do we know it's really you?
Gandalf: You're the dumbest person in the world.
Merry: Ok. It's him.
Xanthe: So now to the problem of the Orcs.
Xanthias: Oh yeah.
Gandalf: Well, if you care to follow me, I can show you a hidden passageway past the obstacles ahead.
Xanthe: Well, for once you're not just a useless piece of-
Gandalf: Come on, follow me!
So, they all troop backwards a few yards until Gandalf comes upon a torch in the wall.
Gandalf: Okay, someone hold my staff.
Gandalf: Anyone but you
Pip: *retreats with offended look*
Xanthe: Oh, fine I'll take it.
Gandalf: Thank you. Now, everyone stand back.
All stand back. Gandalf pulls the torch out and immediately the wall swings out towards them.
Gandalf: Okay, fast people first. I hate being behind fat people when you have to run fast.
All look at where Sam should have been.
Xanthias: What happened to Sam?
Merry: I haven't remembered seeing him since Sauraman came to get us!
Xanthe: Oh well. At least I still have his Bazooka.
Xanthe: Oh, now you guys were best buds, huh?
Frodo: *eyes getting watery* I remember when...
Gandalf: Okay, we'll leave you here. Xanthias, you go first. Then Xanthe. Then me. Then Frodo and then Merry, and then Pip.
Pip:*muttering to himself* Always put last. Makes one wonder who one's friends are.
Xanthe: *overhearing* Count me out!
What they hadn't noticed was that while they were talking, the Orcs had crept into the Hall. Now, they were about to pounce!
Gandalf: Everyone run!
Xanthias and Xanthe while running:
Xanthias: So, what do you think is going to happen?
Xanthe: Who knows?
Xanthias: I do.
Xanthe: Care to tell?
Xanthias: Not really.
Xanthe: *puts on a burst of speed and rushes past Xanthias * Really! The unfairness of it all!
After running along the curving path, they all come upon a door.
Frodo: It's stuck!
Gandalf: No, there is a spell on it. Everyone, step back!
Everyone: *steps back*
Gandalf: Peneau hiseau tupideau ooreau!
Xanthe: Um, you guys, the Orcs are almost here!
Xanthias: Okay, let me get at the door. Thank you. Now, Xanthe, can I have Sam's bazooka?
Xanthe: Why didn't I think of this?
Xanthias: Because you didn't get enough sleep last night!
Xanthe: Fart on you!
Gandalf: That's even better than Magic! If I ever get out of here, I'm
getting' one of those!
Xanthe: That's when I move out of the country.
All run through the door.
Frodo: Where are we?
Evil voice from the shadows: You are in the secret room of the Evil Unwise
Xanthe: Is that supposed to scare us?
Pip: I think so HAHAHAHAHAHAH!
Xanthias: *hits him hard* Shut up! Let's hear what he says.
Sauraman: I love being evil!
Xanthe: Me too. I mean *uneasy laughter*
Merry: Another Strider.
Sauraman: So! What brings you to this desolate, dreary, dark place I cal home? Wait a tic! I'm supposed to know that as a Wizard.
Gandalf: *quietly* Hence the name *unwise*.
Frodo: We do not come in peace!
Sauraman: Good. I hate when people want to be friends. It annoys me.
Xanthias: Where have you taken Samwise?
Sarauman: Oh yes, I remember him. I think, actually, I chained him up over
on that wall!
From the Wall: Help Me!
Xanthe: Oh Sam, my love! What has begot you?
Sam: Nothing begot me. But you forgot me! So now I can rot with thee! See?
Frodo: *vomit noises*
Pip: I don't think that made sense.
Gandalf: Here. I will unlock his chains.
Sauraman: Wait a minute. I can't let you do that!? Can I?
Gandalf: I need some light. Quadragisima!
Sauraman: NOOOOO! I hate light!
As the light hit Sauraman, the found that he was actually just a little frog!
Xanthe: oh my!
Pip: Like, wow.
Sam: HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE! Bazoooooooookaaaa Tiiiiiiiiiiiiiimmeee!
Xanthias: Okay, I think it's time to go home.
Xanthe: He's dead!
Pip: No duh!
Xanthe: *sticks her tongue out* WEll, it was fun while it lasted. We'll talk to you next time where I think we will have another HUGE adventure!
Frodo: So, what was all that crap about my love with Sam?
Xanthe: Don't you know how to be poetic? It sounded right.