The Great Castle of Sauraman the Unwise

Chapter 1

We find Merry, Pippin, Xanthias, Xanthe, Frodo, and some other weirdoes in Frodo's living room.

Frodo: Lets play Scrabble!

Xanthias: You idiot! Do you know who heard that?!

Xanthe: BUAHAHAHAHAHAH! Prodigious!

Xanthias: Told you.

Sam: Anyway...

Frodo: How about Yhatzee?

All: Shut Up!


Gandalf: Anyone there?

Frodo: Quick! Everyone hide!

Sam: No one's home!

Merry: Idiots! I'm surrounded by idiots!

Gandalf: *Blasts door away.* I've got you you stinking Tooks! Or whatever you are.

Frodo: Gandalf?

Gandalf: No, Not really. I'm Sauraman. Dressed up as Gandalf.

Xanthias: *Grabs remote* Okay, Let's fast-forward to the action.

Before anyone can react, Xanthias hits the fast-forward button and time goes zooming along until they find themselves in the dark castle of Sauraman's.

Chapter 2

Pip: I'm hungry.

Merry: At least Strider isn't here. He doesn't know when or how to eat.

Strider, from the depths of the shadows, sneaks up on Merry





Merry: *passed out*

Frodo: *recovering* Strider! Why are you here?

Strider: I also was captured by the evil Sauraman.

Pip: How poetic!

Frodo: Who wrote this stupid thing anyway?


Xanthe: It wasn't me, I swear! I'm not that stupid!


A few hours later

Merry: *just waking up* Where are we!

Frodo: On a pleasure cruise! Where do you think?!

Merry: *twitching*

Pip: There's always something coming when he twitches.

Merry: No, It's just that-

Xanthe: *rolls her eyes*

Merry: I had this really weird dream.

Frodo: Dreams happen.

Xanthe: *sarcastic laughter*Haw Haw Haww!

Xanthias: Get on with it!

Merry: Ok. Well, in the dream, I woke up and looked around and you guys were all sleeping. So, I moved toward the wall opposite us and pushed on it. And it opened.


All: *sniggers*

Merry: Fine, I'll prove it to you.

Merry walks over to the wall and pushes. It actually pops open!


Frodo: I think we have a telepathic freak with us.

Merry: aHa!

All walk through the hidden passage.

Chapter 4

Once they were through the great small hidden passage, they came upon some steps going up, and some going down.


Strider: W.W.A.D?

Frodo: What?

Strider: *annoyed* What would Arwen do!

Xanthe: Oh no. No!

Strider: *dreamy look in eyes* Arwen, my love, I wrote a song for you.

Xanthias: Takes out hidden remote control and makes threatening gestures at Strider.

Before another move is taken-which would have ended in destruction, by the way- An arrow flies through the air and hits Strider.

Chapter 5

Arwen *popping up from the stairs*: Crap! That was supposed to hit Xanthe!

Xanthe: *offended look* What?

Strider: *on the ground dying*: We were really part of Sauraman's army. We've been pretending all this time! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Arwen: Oh my love! You're dying!

Strider: Just a flesh wound.

Xanthe: Did you see Monty Python and the Holy Grail?

Strider: Of course!

Xanthias: Brother!

Strider gives Arwen one last kiss and then falls to the floor dead.

Merry: Serves him right.

Arwen: I can't imagine life without him! Sauraman, help me!

They all hear a rumbling sound and then a bottle of Cyanide appears in Arwen's hand.

Pip: Cool!

Arwen: Yes! Perfect! Thank you!

She takes the bottle and empties its contents into her mouth. After 3

seconds she also falls dead on top of Strider.

Xanthe: Haven't I seen this somewhere before?

Merry: Like in a Shakespeare play, or something?

Chapter 6

After descending the stairs, the group of five travels under a huge arch and then into a great Hall filled with Orcs.

Frodo: Watch out!

All run behind the wall and crouch waiting.

Merry: What's going on?

Frodo: I don't know!

Xanthe: Well, we don't want to be caught, that's all I know.

Xanthias: Gees, you must not know a lot!

Xanthe: *sticks her tongue out at him*

Pip: Shut up!

Merry: *sighs*

They turn around, hearing someone coming up from behind them.

Frodo: Who goes there?

Xanthe: No No No! You have to do it like this. Who goeth hither and thither?

Frodo: Does it really matter?

Xanthias: Don't contradict the omnicient Oz

Merry: That was bad.

Xanthias: I know.

Meanwhile, the mysterious person from the shadows starts laughing.

Pip: What's so funny?

Gandalf: It's me, Gandalf!

Frodo: How do we know it's really you?

Gandalf: You're the dumbest person in the world.

Merry: Ok. It's him.

Xanthe: So now to the problem of the Orcs.

Xanthias: Oh yeah.

Gandalf: Well, if you care to follow me, I can show you a hidden passageway past the obstacles ahead.

Xanthe: Well, for once you're not just a useless piece of-

Frodo: Language!


Chapter 7

Gandalf: Come on, follow me!

So, they all troop backwards a few yards until Gandalf comes upon a torch in the wall.

Gandalf: Okay, someone hold my staff.

Pip: Sure.

Gandalf: Anyone but you

Pip: *retreats with offended look*

Xanthe: Oh, fine I'll take it.

Gandalf: Thank you. Now, everyone stand back.

All stand back. Gandalf pulls the torch out and immediately the wall swings out towards them.

Gandalf: Okay, fast people first. I hate being behind fat people when you have to run fast.

All look at where Sam should have been.

Xanthias: What happened to Sam?

Merry: I haven't remembered seeing him since Sauraman came to get us!

Xanthe: Oh well. At least I still have his Bazooka.

Frodo: Xanthe!

Xanthe: Oh, now you guys were best buds, huh?

Frodo: *eyes getting watery* I remember when...

Gandalf: Okay, we'll leave you here. Xanthias, you go first. Then Xanthe. Then me. Then Frodo and then Merry, and then Pip.

Pip:*muttering to himself* Always put last. Makes one wonder who one's friends are.

Xanthe: *overhearing* Count me out!

What they hadn't noticed was that while they were talking, the Orcs had crept into the Hall. Now, they were about to pounce!

Gandalf: Everyone run!

Xanthias and Xanthe while running:

Xanthias: So, what do you think is going to happen?

Xanthe: Who knows?

Xanthias: I do.

Xanthe: Care to tell?

Xanthias: Not really.

Xanthe: *puts on a burst of speed and rushes past Xanthias * Really! The unfairness of it all!

Chapter 8

After running along the curving path, they all come upon a door.

Frodo: It's stuck!

Gandalf: No, there is a spell on it. Everyone, step back!

Everyone: *steps back*

Gandalf: Peneau hiseau tupideau ooreau!

Door: ...

Frodo: ...

Pip: ...

Merry: .

Xanthe: .

Xanthias: .

Gandalf: !#$%$#%^^&*&*(*^!

Frodo: Language!

Xanthe: Um, you guys, the Orcs are almost here!

Xanthias: Okay, let me get at the door. Thank you. Now, Xanthe, can I have Sam's bazooka?

Xanthe: Why didn't I think of this?

Xanthias: Because you didn't get enough sleep last night!

Xanthe: Fart on you!


Gandalf: That's even better than Magic! If I ever get out of here, I'm

getting' one of those!

Xanthe: That's when I move out of the country.

All run through the door.

Chapter 9

Frodo: Where are we?

Evil voice from the shadows: You are in the secret room of the Evil Unwise


Xanthe: Is that supposed to scare us?

Pip: I think so HAHAHAHAHAHAH!

Xanthias: *hits him hard* Shut up! Let's hear what he says.

Sauraman: I love being evil!

Xanthe: Me too. I mean *uneasy laughter*

Merry: Another Strider.

Sauraman: So! What brings you to this desolate, dreary, dark place I cal home? Wait a tic! I'm supposed to know that as a Wizard.

Gandalf: *quietly* Hence the name *unwise*.

Frodo: We do not come in peace!

Sauraman: Good. I hate when people want to be friends. It annoys me.

Xanthias: Where have you taken Samwise?

Sarauman: Oh yes, I remember him. I think, actually, I chained him up over

on that wall!

From the Wall: Help Me!

Xanthe: Oh Sam, my love! What has begot you?

Sam: Nothing begot me. But you forgot me! So now I can rot with thee! See?

Frodo: *vomit noises*

Pip: I don't think that made sense.

Gandalf: Here. I will unlock his chains.

Sauraman: Wait a minute. I can't let you do that!? Can I?

Gandalf: I need some light. Quadragisima!

Sauraman: NOOOOO! I hate light!

As the light hit Sauraman, the found that he was actually just a little frog!

Xanthias: Hey!

Xanthe: oh my!

Gandalf: Goodness!

Frodo: Whew!

Merry: ROOOOF!

Pip: Like, wow.

Sam: HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE! Bazoooooooookaaaa Tiiiiiiiiiiiiiimmeee!







Xanthias: Okay, I think it's time to go home.

Xanthe: He's dead!

Pip: No duh!

Xanthe: *sticks her tongue out* WEll, it was fun while it lasted. We'll talk to you next time where I think we will have another HUGE adventure!

Frodo: So, what was all that crap about my love with Sam?

Xanthe: Don't you know how to be poetic? It sounded right.