5Lahla
"Herbie's getting beat up a lot more these days," Alex Graley commented.
I nodded."Yeah. I guess it's because I don't keep him from doing stupid stuff anymore."
Mary-Claire laughed.
It was lunchtime. Me and Mary and Alex were sitting at the same table.
"Hey, Lahla."
It was Herbie. I ignored him.
"Lahla."
I said, "Hey, Alex, Mary, want some of these M&Ms?"
"Sure," they said simultaneously, with the same enthusiastic tone. It would have been funny, if ...
"Lahla!"
I passed them the M&Ms.
"Can we sit here?" A voice I would recognize anywhere.
"No. Go away, Herbie." It was out of my mouth before I could stop it.
"Why not?"
I said nothing.
Herbie sat down anyway. I was between Mary-Claire and Alex, so he couldn't sit next to me. He settled for across from me.
"Hey, I said you couldn't sit there," I reminded him.
He only stared. "I'm going to sit here until you tell me why you're not talking to me."
"Fine." I said nothing more. Until Tucker Brown plopped down next to Herbie. The table was circular, so he was between Herbie and Mary-Claire.
"Hey, we're saving that spot for someone!" I said.
"No we're not," Herbie and Mary said simultaneously.
I expected that response from Herbie. But Mary? I shot her a surprised look.
"Are we?" she asked timidly.
"No," Herbie said.
"You are not welcome at this table," I informed him. "And neither is he."
"Too bad," Tucker said.
We ate in silence for a while.
Tucker turned to Mary and looked her over. "Are you an alien?"
She looked him over. "No." She looked at me and mouthed "I thought that's what he was."
I giggled. I couldn't help it.
"Man, that chick is hot," I heard someone behind me whisper not-so-quietly.
"Who? Lahla?"
I jerked, then peeked discreetly behind me to see if they'd noticed. Apparently they hadn't.
"No. The chick next to her."
"Alex?"
I looked at Alex out of the corner of my eye.
"No, Spencer. The other chick. What, are you blind?"
"Oh. Her. That's Mary-Claire Hansen. She's in Finnigan's class."
I stole a glance behind me again. Yes, Spencer Black was there. I had no idea who the other boy was, though.
"Oh. Cool."
"She's a nerd."
"Yeah, but so are you, and anyway she's a hot nerd."
"You always say I'll never have any luck with any chick," Spencer remarked. "Looks like I have a chance now, if you can go for Mary-Claire."
"Yeah, but you're weird."
"So what?"
"Oh, shut up, Spencer."
I heard nothing more interesting. I looked at Mary. I didn't see anything that special about her, although I wouldn't know, being a girl myself ...
"Food fight!" Tucker abruptlypitched a glob of spaghetti. I twisted around in my chair to see where it landed.
"Hey!" Spencer yelped. He was now wearing the well-aimed noodles on his shirt.
"Wow, it's amazing, he doesn't look any worse than he did," Alex whispered to me.
"Shh," I hissed harshly.
Spencer shot a plastic knife at Tucker.
"HEY! I SAID FOOD FIGHT! THAT'S NOT FOOD! YOU ALMOST POKED MY EYE OUT!"
"Wow," Spencer said. "It actually went where I aimed it!"
"Oh, you're that bad a thrower, huh?" said the boy he was talking to before. I could see now that he was wearing a construction-worker-orange shirt but still didn't know who he was.
"Shut up. You wanna be next? You try throwing a plastic knife sometime." Spencer lifted his fork threateningly.
"Wow, someone's in a bad mood."
Herbie sprayed his orange juice in Spencer's general direction. The problem was, it wasn't in Spencer's particular direction. Half the juice went on orange shirt.
"Hey! This is a new shirt!"
"So don't wear it to school," Spencer said.
"You mean I should wear ten-year-old shirts like you do?"
"Dude. You are ten years old."
"No, I meant your shirt is ten years old."
"No, it's only three years old."
Orange shirt rolled his eyes. "Same diff."
"Not really."
Orange shirt swiftly peeled a banana. "Spencer!" he yelled. "Tucker's about to hit you with the spaghetti again!"
Spencer whirled, and orange shirt took the opportunity to smash the banana in his hair.
"Hey! What was that for?"
"You're being a pain in the butt."
"I am not."
"Are too."
"What's in my hair?" Spencer demanded.
"Banana."
"Wonderful."
"He still doesn't look any worse," Alex said, half to herself, half to me.
"I heard that!"
"I wasn't talking about you, Spencer!" Alex cried defensively.
"Yes, you were," I said.
"Lah-la."
"Al-ex," I teased her.
"Why is everyone picking on me today?" Spencer demanded.
"Wow, you must be special," Mary said. Tucker shot her a look, for some odd reason. So did orange shirt, who then flipped a peeled grape at her.
She returned a french fry, but the aim was off and it hit Skyler Bumper.
"Aaahh!" Skyler yelped.
"Grow up, it was just a fry," Herbie yelled irritably.
"Shut up, Whipple!"
Spencer took orange shirt's milk carton, stood up, and spun around, throwing chocolate milk everywhere.
"Spencer! I'm gonna KILL YOU!" screeched orange shirt.
Spencer brandished the plastic fork again. "Watch it, I'm armed."
Some teacher came by then, and everyone said "Uh-oh" at the same moment.
"Spencer Black. Thirty-minute detention." Miss Jay dropped a white slip on Spencer's lunch tray.
"What?!"
"You threw milk."
"David smashed a banana on my head."
"So?"
"Tucker threw spaghetti on my shirt."
"You don't throw milk."
"Fine, but give them detentions too."
"I didn't see what they did."
"Look! Banana in my hair. Spaghetti on my shirt. Now do you believe me, Miss Jay ... Miss Jay? She's ignoring me!"
Orange shirt — David — snickered.
Spencer turned on Herbie. "What'd I do to you? Why'd you throw orange juice at me?"
"Half of it went on David anyway."
"That's NOT the POINT!"
"You practically injured Tucker for life, and you stole my five dollars."
"I did not! I earned that five dollars. I have a black eye now, and you're gonna have another one." Spencer yanked his fist back warningly.
"I don't have another eye to turn black!" Herbie protested. He scrambled under the table before Spencer could hit him. "Why are you hitting on people so much?"
David snickered. "Spencer!"
"That sounded completely wrong!" Spencer yelled.
"I meant it to!"
"Shut up!"
Spencer ran around to the other side of the table and aimed a swift kick at Herbie's head.
"Aaaaaahhh! Miss Jayyy!"
"What?"
"Spencer kicked me!"
Miss Jay placed another white slipon his lunch tray."One more, and you're in the office right now."
Spencer blurted, "I hate you!"
"That is not my problem."
"But you didn't SEE it! That's not fair!"
Miss Jay ignored Spencer.
"That's what you get for stealing my five dollars," Herbie yelled.
Miss Jay whirled around. "What five dollars? Spencer?"
"I DON'T HAVE HIS FIVE DOLLARS!"
"Let me see your pockets."
"These are my five dollars. He's just saying that to get me in trouble. And he wants my money, which I RIGHTFULLY EARNED."
"Like heck you did," Herbie said.
"Both of you. Knock it off."
"I'll knock it off," Spencer muttered. "I'll knock your head right off your shoulders, Herbie Whipple!"
"I'll rip your guts out first!"
"You will not."
"Will too!"
"No way."
"Uh-huh!"
"Shut up and leave me alone."
"You shut up and leave me alone! I didn't even throw food at you."
"No, you threw JUICE on me. What's the difference?"
"Big diff, Black." David laughed.
Spencer flipped David's tray over onto his lap.
"SPENCER BLACK! I'M GONNA KILL YOU!"
"Didn't you already say that once?"
"What did you do this time?" Miss Jay demanded. Upon seeing the upended tray, she said, "Office. Now."
"But — "
"I am personally getting sick of you acting up. Go. Now."
Spencer shot David a dirty look. Then Herbie and Tucker in turn.
"Herbie, that was mean," I said.
"Oh, so NOW you're speaking to me."
"We're all going to blow each other up any day."
"How would that work out?"
"Easy," Tucker said. "Just make sure the fuses are long enough to give everyone time to light their own bombs. Or that everyone lights the fuse in the same second — "
"Which with the way we're carrying on," I interrupted, "will be very difficult to do. And don't you feel sorry for Spencer?"
"No," said Herbie, Tucker, David, Alex, Mary-Claire, and about a zillion other people, all at once.
"You sad pathetic bunch of nuts."
"Does this mean we're speaking now?" said Herbie?
"WHY ARE YOU HANGING OUT WITH THAT LOSER!?" I screeched.
Silence.
I was horrified. "I … said that out loud, didn't I?"
"WAY loud," Tucker said, glaring at me.
Herbie shrugged. "Well, at least we agree Tucker's a loser."
"Hey!"
I sighed. "Well, I asked, so you answer. Not you, Tucker, keep your mouth shut. Herbie?"
"Well, I don't know, he didn't know anybody else so he decided to hang around me, and I was worried about what you were doing at first but you seemed to be having fun with Mary and Alex … "
"Of course I was having fun with them. But I wasn't exactly planning on them being my only friends in the whole universe. Tell your boy Tuck-head to meet some people."
"Excuse me?" Tucker butted in. "Tuck-head?!"
"Wait Lahla — oh hang it all. I'll tell you later."
"Okay." I was relieved, because what I wanted to say … well, the problem with being best friends with Herbie Whipple in fourth grade is that people begin to think things. They'll take things in the wrong way and ignore all your protests and explanations.
Tucker glared at me. "I have more than my fair share of stupid nicknames, thank you very much!"
"Like what?" I asked.
"His brother calls him Ducky," Herbie explained. "Of course, Tucker got a little more creative and started calling Taylor 'Daylight.'"
"Yeah. Took a bit more word-twisting, but I like it. Specially cause my mom says stuff like 'knocked the living daylights out of you' — "
"Yeah, that's great … Duck-breath."
"Ooh, you're evil, Laa-Laa the Teletubby."
I rolled my eyes. "Even Herbie's called me that."
"I have?" Herbie said.
"Don't look all wide-eyed and innocent, Herbie. Yes you have, and you know it."
"Now are we on speaking terms?" he demanded.
"Considering the fact that we have agreed to speak to each other later … yes, I believe we are."
"So you're not mad at me?"
"YES, I'm mad at you, but less so."
"Um … that's good … I guess?"
"Oh, go away, Herbie Whipple."