~*warning*~ I'm a complete dumb ass, and sorry to say, so are most of my friends. These lessons were learned the hard way.
*A carrot colored with Sharpie does not a battery make.
*Do NOT snort Pixie Stix dust through your nose. It stings like a bitch.
*It is best not to accuse teachers of glue sniffing addictions in public.
*Jeremy's arm does not bend that way.
*Telling a Jehovah's Witness "Satan Loves You" may scare the Jehovah's Witness.
*it only takes three bottles of Dawn and a working toilet to fill a multi- stall bathroom with urine bubbles.
*Do not call the Security Supervisor a dumb ass without twenty feet of safety distance.
*Cats should never under ANY circumstances be given pizza.
*Never tell a half moon conjure that you are cuter than it is.
*It is physically impossible for a human to rape a pole.
*People don't like it when you sing opera badly in the library.
*The mean guy at the mall doesn't like it when you take his hat.
*Do not call the doctor a bastard when he gives you a shot.
*Publicly examining how long you can make the croaking sound will get you slapped.
*Don't bark at passengers in other cars because you just might see that person again.
*A lemon with toothpicks is not an acceptable birthday present, especially if it is not the strangers birthday.
*A run-by poking is not quite as powerful as a drive-by shooting.
*If someone is calling you an evil witch, it is probably best not to tell them that their house is on fire.
*No matter how hard you throw them, a Twinkie is simply not a good missile.
*Saying bastardo instead of bastard confuses no one.
*Cranberry sauce never washes off the ceiling.
*people may react negatively when you tell them your goal in life is to burn water.
*Pouring water on a light while it is on will make the light-bulb blow up.
*If you can touch the ceiling, do not do an over dramatic yawn while the ceiling fan is on.
*A ham radio is not actually made of meat.
*If someone says that their room is dirty, they do not mean that the walls want to rape you.
For the sake of your spinal cord, do not run headfirst into Stop signs. Especially if you have to jump to reach it.
*It is illegal to have sexual intercourse with animals in this country. ESPECIALLY OSTRICHES CHRIS!
* Singing "Gonads and Strife" is not an acceptable past time, especially during math class.
*Dogs are not meant to wear clothes.
~***Okay people, enough lessons for today. Now, for the sake of the moose (plural.) please review. That button right down there.***~
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