Coming full circle

Remember being a child and everything was so simple, the only really worry was what type of cereal you were going to get, or just waking up in time to watch cartoon on Saturday morning. God I miss those days, some night as I lay down to sleep I pray that the morning will not come, and that the sun will finally set upon my life. I know how selfish this is and I also know that I could never hurt those that I care about. However if for some reason I was to fall into the eternal slumber tomorrow there are some things that I would want some people to know and understand about me. So this will my thoughts will, and how I would want people to know how I remembered them.

My Family

MOM- Mom, what can I say about you that you do not already know, you have been the rock of my foundation since day one, you have always been there for me, even when I felt like I could not turn to anybody you were there. I can only hope that I have brought you as many smiles and joy of the years as you have gave me. I would not be the man that I am today if it was not for you. If I ever become half the parent that you am then I know I would be a great parent. God definitely worked his magic when he gave us each other. I love you Mom.

DAD- Dad, there are so many things that have been unsaid between us, just because of the type of people we are. I just want you to know that my world would be a very bleak place if you did not come into my life. Troy was a storm that had clouded my life for so long, I thought that any hope of having a father was long dead and gone, but you rose up like a sun and cleared all of that away. I could not have asked for a better father. We may have tested each other's patience and wits but I honestly believe that we both came out better in the long run. I love you Dad

Steven- I honestly want to cry when your name crosses my mind. You had it made but you chose to run from your family rather than embrace them for the people that they are. For that I can never forgive you. I don't understand why you hate us, I know that I would have done anything for you but again you chose a life of drugs over a life with your family. I know I will see you again and I know you will call, but its only because you need something or want someone to do something for you. I still love you, but I hate what you have done to us.

Matthew- The only little brother that I have ever really had. You continue to astonish and amaze me. You are the smartest child that I have ever had the blessing to meet. I stand back and watch you grow and become a young man and it saddens me that one day you will have to learn all of the hard lessons that life has to throw at you. Some of these will test every aspect of your being, but in the end it will make you a better person. Life is full of greatness sometimes it is just harder to see that sliver lining. I want you to know that I will always be here if you need me. I love you Matt

Shannon- my little brat, no matter the mood I am in hearing the innocence and happiness in your voice always cheers me up. You are growing up so fast, and I just hope you don't grow up to fast. Nothing is more missed when you grow up than our youth. You are my little princess, I admire your spirit and love of the simple things in life. Don't ever change honey. You're my angel. I love you Shann

My Friends (My other family)

Megan- You continue to amaze me each and everyday. You have a heart of gold and a sprit that is untouchable. I only wish you could see the person that I see. Your words of wisdom and inspiration continue to this day to push me from the darkness that seems so comfortable, to make the most of my time here. I can only hope to share the wisdom that you have given me to other to help them through dark times. I call you my sister and that is no exaggeration. You are just as much apart of our family as Matt and Shann. I hope that you find what you're looking for, one day you will make somebody very happy. Don't give up. Its these trying times in life that really make it worth living, and its times like these that you really find out who your true friends are, and I will always be here for you. Even if one day it means that you are far away.

Rob- I hate to say this but why lie, well that's one thing I have leaned from you since I have known you. There is no point of candy coating shit for people. If they cant handle the truth then its tough shit. Your way of honesty through being a smart-ass is what really makes you, well you.

Mark- You know out of all the people that I have met over the last year, I can say that I have learned the most from you. Nothing really in particular but just about life in general. You and I have an understanding of life that few people our age understand. I wish you the best of luck with you musical ability, with the right breaks we might one day be watching you on stage.

Joe- Joe you might want to print this out because it is something that I very rarely say. I envy you. Yes I said it damn it and you know what it was easier than I thought. You perform a hard juggling act that many people can't pull off. You have a great wife and three beautiful children. Yet you still find time to just shoot the shit with your friends. You're an amazing person and I see a lot of myself in you.

Heather- The bonds of friendship that once were woven tightly between us have not only loosened but sadly to say I feel that they are not just fading away, and becoming nothing more than a memory of something that used to be. I am not sure were it all went wrong, or why. All I can honestly say is that you helped me through a very difficult time in my life. Without you there I really believe that I would not have made it here today. You seem so far away and in reality you are. I can only hope we can repair the damage to our friendship before it finally becomes nothing more than a distant memory. I will always have love for ya and I will always look upon our time together as nothing more than great.

Aaron- What can I say at one time you were my brother, and now you're nothing more than a stranger to me. I have tried to explain myself to you about this summer, but you don't want to hear my side of things. I can accept that. I can say without hesitation that I miss you dearly my friend, but I can also say that, now that I have talked to you a few times and tried to make things right between us, I can see that we are never going to be the same again. You told me that I act like I am 21 and that honestly hurt. I have always been the one to walk that strait and narrow. I have always done what I said and I have worked since I turned 16. I have always been the one that did what was right. Now that our roles are reversed and you are being responsible and I am acting my age, I feel like you no longer have respect for me. I understand that Basic changed you, and sadly it has changed us also. We talked and I felt like a weight had been lifted from me, but only to be shut out again. I told you I would always be here for you and I meant it. But the ball is now in your court, its up to you to from here on out. I have said my piece. But if anything just do this, look back at some of the times we had, and smile they were some of the best times of my teens. Thank you for that. I just pray that we can do what we once said and be sitting as old men drinking beer on those long hot summer days, but lets face it, that future is fading fast, and only time can change it either way.

Greg- I guess one of the regrets that I will forever have in life is that I did not get to spend just a little more time with you before the end. I learned far more from you in death than in life, and in your death I have found hope and solace within myself that I had thought had all but abandoned me. That goes without saying that I would give up everything just to have you back for five minutes. But that is an absurd statement because that is impossible. But I know that you are up there watching over us, and I ask but one request of you. Please watch over our friend. He is going to need you in the coming months and I believe it is only you that could protect him. When he leaves he my have vengeance in his heart because of you. Bring him home with a new piece of mind and peace in his heart.

Marie- I really don't know what to say to you at this point, and that alone astounds me. I am not a person that is at a loss of words very often but I am. I thought we were on the same wave link at one time, but I really don't see how that can be, when we are together things could not be better, but then I don't see or hear from you in weeks. I am sick of being mind fucked, and well quite honestly I can't continue to subject myself to it. There is no rhyme or reason to the madness that has been between us here lately. But I can say this, after my last relationship I thought I would never care about somebody again. You changed that, somehow in the short time that I have known you, you had melted away the barrier that I had placed on my heart, and swore to never take off. You managed to do this without really trying. Speaking of not really trying maybe it time that I stop.

Other Peoples

While there are many people that I could add here but I will only add one, mainly because I was going to originally call this section Ass-Hole, so without ado.

Troy- How easy it would be for me to tear you apart, especially with out any way to defend yourself. You abandoned me and stole my older brother from me, possibly my little sister also. You have been the best example of anything I could have ever asked for in life. Your every thing I never want to be. I hate everything you stand for. Sadly I must finally admit to myself and to the only demon that has ever won a fight with me. Yes I hate you to. When you die you will not be welcomed home to a place of peace but I pray that your soul is sent into damnation were you must suffer for the rest of your days. You have put me threw hell time after time again. Each time I have risen above just as a way to say fuck you. So now the battle lines are drawn once again. This time in hollowed halls of a courtroom. I cannot foresee the outcome because the just do not always triumph over evil on this world. But this I promise you. I will say my piece before the day is over and you will be amazed with how much hate your former little boy has for you. Know this, when the time comes and you are in your coffin with all of those that have cared for you and loved you crying at your passed, know that I will be the one rejoicing. For I now longer care about you and have taken the power from you to hurt me long ago. I guess the simplest way to wrap this up would be Fuck you, I will be glad when your dead, and your fucking bloodline dies with me. I my have children but they will never know nothing of you or your hateful family. Fuck off.

Well it seems that I have reached an end to this little confession, but not quite yet. I have one person left. Strangely it is the person that I care the least about in the grand scheme of things. I have been very frank and very honest so far so there is no point of stopping now.

Myself (Ray)~ There are times that I look on the darkest parts of life rather than to embrace the gifts that life has to give, and this has slowly been killing me over the years and it took a friend to point this out, but not the way one would thing, because of the confrontations she was going through I was able to see how negative about life I really was, so I changed, so I could support her. In dong this I began to see life threw a child's eyes once again. With wonder and awe. I know that sometimes I get down on myself but in reality I would rather blame myself for things than to accept the fact that the world as a hole is a shitty place and only the people that I love make it great. With that I am going to conclude this.