Fairieotypical Stereotales (Stereotypical Fairietales/Fairytales) By Kokeshi088

Chapter One (Or Not?!)

Rated: PG (or is it PG-13?) for Crude Jokes, Comic Mischief, Mild Alcohol References and Bad Sushi (Sushi: We bad! We bad!)

A/N: Basically it's about a random royal idiot who is kidnapped by a dragon and "taken" to an ugly witch's fortress/castle. Basically, this story, which is in script format, so it isn't quite a story, would have been an ordinary fairytale if it weren't so...uh... messed up and backwards!

Random Alerts: Insanity Alert!

Name Pronunciation: Princess Felipe's name is pronounced like the boy's name Phillip.

This is the result of the stupid fact that her parents can't spell. They still can't spell, even though it's been about sixteen years since the fall of the Berlin Mall... wait, that's another story...I mean sixteen years since Felipe was born... eheheheh.

Also, her parents' names are King Queen and Queen King, unlike the Prince's parents, whose names are King King and Queen Queen.

Anyways! Have fun reading this!

(The Authoress cackles insanely.)

Setting Numbah 1: In the kingdom of Kingdom, and inside the walls of the Impossibly Huge Castle of Kingdom, a young Prince decides his eternal fate...

Prince Alexis: To wear, or not to wear?

Magic Mirror: Well, technically, both sets of Princely Armor With Imposing Velvety Princely Capes are identical.

Alexis: Never mind that!

(Please do not ask about his name. His parents, King and his lovely wife, Queen, were drunk

when he was born. And he is just one of the badly-named characters in this story as we go.)

Alexis: Ah... Mirror, Mirror, on the wall, who's the fairest one of all?

Mirror: Well, let's see... The Chief Justice of the Supreme Court is the fairest one of all.

Alexis: DARN IT!

Mirror: Well, technically, if you wanted to darn something, you might as well do it with a pin and needle...

Alexis: Good idea! I'll do just that. (He leaves to darn some socks.)

(Princess Felipe enters)

Princess Felipe: Hellooooooo Magic Mirror on the Wall!

Mirror: Actually, I'm the Bathroom Mirror on the Door.

Felipe: Same difference! Now... where's my god-forsaken idiot fiancé?

(Prince Alexis re-enters.)

Alexis: AAAAAGH! What was I doing?! I didn't mean to darn socks! I meant... grrrrrr, why I oughta... Never mind! (Runs around spastically.)

Felipe: Ah, there you are! Nice weather, huh?

Alexis: OH, NO IT ISN'T! IT MUST RAIN!

*BOOM*

(It suddenly begins raining. No, wait, pouring. No, raining. Wait. Oh, yeah. Pouring.)

Felipe: Oh, cool! Do it again, do it again!

Alexis: THERE WILL BE A TORNADO!

*Woooooosh!*

(A tornado rips through the green forests of Nothingwood and barely misses the Impossibly Huge Castle of Kingdom.)

Felipe: Well, that was unexpected.

Evil Dragon Thing: NO, THIS IS UNEXPECTED! I am Foofoo, Fluffy Bunny of Canada!

Felipe: AAAAAAAAGH! NOOOOOOO! Wait. What?

Evil Dragon Thing: I am Foofoo! FLUFFY BUNNY OF CANADA!

Alexis: I could have sworn you where a dragon...

Evil Dragon Thing: DRAGON! Where? HIDE ME!

Felipe: Uhm. Aren't you, like, the dragon?

Evil Dragon Thing: I AM?! Nooooo! THE EARTH IS DOOMED!

Alexis: No, it isn't.

Evil Dragon Thing: THE EARTH IS DOOMED!

Mirror: Really? Cool. Oh. Wait. Aren't you a dragon? Aren't you uh... supposed to kidnap the princess?

Evil Dragon Thing: WHAT. PART. OF. "THE EARTH IS DOOMED!" THAT. YOU. DON'T. GET?!

Mirror: I'm afraid you're speaking in Portuguese, or my hearing aid isn't on.

Alexis: What hearing aid?

Mirror: Oh. Yeah. I don't need one, for I am a MAGIC mirror! That's right. I remember what the problem is: You didn't say the magic word.

Evil Dragon Thing: Please?

Mirror: *Bzzzzzzzt!* Wrong word(s).

Evil Dragon Thing: Did you say "word(s)"?! Yay! Could they be: "Open Sesame"?

Mirror: *BZZZZZT!* is that your final answer?

Felipe: Oooh! Oooh! I know! It's C, Tony Blair!

Mirror: *BZZZZZZZZZZZT!* I'm sorry, but that's the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom... No, the magic word(s) are: "Mirror, Mirror on the Wall, who's the fairest one of all?"

Evil Dragon Thing: Is there a money back guarantee on that?

Mirror: Hum! I have no idea!

Felipe: Uhm... aren't you supposed to kidnap me?

Evil Dragon Thing: Well, what is your name little girl?

Felipe: Princess Felipe. Why?

Evil Dragon Thing: Phillip? Well, what do you want for Christmas?

Felipe: Hmmmm...I want a shotgun. A good shotgun. With a scope. Then... Then I'll go hunting for Ogres!

Evil Dragon Thing: A gun eh? Hm. You must be the Prince.

Mirror: Aren't you supposed to kill ogres with swords?

Felipe: Same difference! And I am not the Prince!

Evil Dragon Thing: Whatever. (Turns to Alexis.) And what is your name, little boy? Oh. And what would you like for Christmas?

Alexis: Me? I am His Majesty, Prince Alexis of the kingdom of... Aaaagh! What are you doing to me?! I didn't tell you what I wanted for AAAAAAGH! (Struggling.) He's hurting me! Help! My underwear is riding high!

Evil Dragon Thing: Princess Alexis? Good enough! Now where's a Dunkin' Donuts when you need one? (Flies off.)

Felipe: HEY, DRAGON THING! GIVE ME BACK MY IDIOT!

Evil Dragon Thing: DRAGON?! WHERE? HELP!

(The Evil Dragon Thing drops the Prince, and crashes into a miniature golf course not too far away...

And now...back to where we were!)

Mirror: Well, now you lost the Prince.

Felipe: OH NO!

Mirror: Oh, yes. He's also the village idiot AND your fiancée.

Felipe: OH NO! Kingdom will no longer be normal if there's no village idiot!

(She rushes out of the tower and into the throne room.)

Mirror: Sheesh. The kingdom of Kingdom never has been normal, has it...? Oh well.

(Felipe runs back in.)

Mirror: Felipe?

Felipe: OH NO! I lost my way! In my own house!

Mirror: Um, technically, it's the Prince's "house"... and uh... go three doors down, then take a left.

Felipe: Whatever. Thanks!

(She leaves again, falling down the stairs with a "CRASH"!)

Felipe: AAAAAAAAAAAAGH!

Mirror: Watch out for the stairs! The first step's a woozy!

Felipe: OOOOOOWCH!

(Hey, how did he know that?! He's a mirror...)

Felipe: (From far away.) THANKS FOR THE WARNING!

Setting Numbah Two!: The Impossibly Huge and Grand Throne Room of the King and Queen of the Kingdom of Kingdom, King King and Queen Queen, who reside over Kingdom in the Impossibly Silly-Looking Claustrophobia-Inducing Thrones! Wow. What a mouthful!

Felipe: SOON-TO-BE MOM-IN-LAW! SOON-TO-BE DAD-IN-LAW! HELP! MY IDIOT WAS STOLEN!

King King: Your idiot?

Felipe: YES! MY PRINCE HAS NOT COME!

Queen Queen: Well, but of course, sweetie! You have to wait until "someday". Wait. Yes, that's right. "Someday"!

Felipe: But... but...I WANT MY IDIOT NOW!

King King: I propose a correction! He is not an idiot! He is a retard. Just like me!

(Felipe raises an eyebrow, then Queen Queen interrupts.)

Queen Queen: About the idiot! Hmmmm… Well, I guess you'll have to take a tough job in order to get him back!

Felipe: Tough job? Er, would that be… boot camp?

Queen Queen: No, worse; much worse, sweet soon-to-be daughter-in-law.

King King: PAGE WITH INCREDIBLY LONG SCROLL! COME HITHER, YE! Please read to my soon-to-be daughter-in-law the conditions of... THE QUEST!

Everyone in Court (Including the Meaningless Servants Picking Their Noses): *Gasp*

Lady 1: OH, NO! NOT THE QUEST! AAAAAGH! (Jumps out the window.)

(Enter Page With Incredibly Long Scroll)

Page With Incredibly Long Scroll: Yuh-ye-yeh-yeuh-yes suh-suh-suh-sire? S-s-s-s-sorry, buh-buh-but I was ig-ig-ig-ignoring you s-s-s-s-s-s-sire!

King King: READ TO MY SOON-TO-BE DAUGHTER-IN-LAW THE CONDITIONS OF THE QUEST!

(Cue collective gasp. Again.)

PWILS: B-buh-but is-is-isn't th-tha-that... AWW, WHAT THE HECK?! Butisn'tthataboy'sjob,er,ImeanthePrince'sjobtogosavethePrincessfromanevildragon,andnotthe otherwayaround?

King King: SHUT UP, YOU STUTTERING MOTORMOUTH!

PWILS: Yessire!

(A/N: Have you ever noticed how incredibly fun it is to say "pwils" out loud as if it were a word? It's FUN! Believe me! PWILS!)

Translator Who Randomly Pops In: He means... "But isn't that a boy's job, er, I mean the Prince's job to go save the Princess from an evil dragon and not the other way around?", Sire.

King King: Thank you. How about you read his scroll instead, before I go to the Royal Microwave and begin my Peeps Jousting Tournament!

(The Royal Horns Blare)

Royal Horns Blaring: Dun-dun-da-dah!

TWRPI: Er... Very well then, sire. *ahem* (In French accent.)

"YE WHO IS BOLD ENOUGH TO TAKE "THE QUEST", IS AN UNDENIABLY BRAVE SOUL! YE SHALL CARRY A WEAPON OF JUSTICE AND POWER IN ORDER TO SAVE THE BEAUTIFUL PRINCESS er... HANDSOME PRINCE FROM THE EVIL DRAGON! SHALL THEE ACCEPT THESE CONDITIONS?"

Felipe: Errr... okay... so I basically wield this "amazing powerful weapon" and go save my idiot?

TWRPI: Well, that's basically the point. But, wait! There's more!

"YE SHALL FACE MANY OBSTACLES AND LIFE-THREATENING DANGERS INCLUDING BOOBY TRAPS, EVIL FLYING FISH, AND MARSHMALLOW STORMS! AND ONCE YOU DEFEAT THE EVIL DRAGON, YOU MUST TAKE YOUR PRINCESS... er... HANDSOME PRINCE BY THE SKIRTS wait... BY HER ... er...HIS CAPE AND CARRY HIM ROMANTICALLY, AND DASHINGLY TO THE CASTLE!"

Felipe: But wouldn't taking a princess by the skirts be lifting them?

King King: And that was why I was given the name "Royal Pervert" when I was sixteen!

(Queen Queen slaps him.)

King King: OWWWWWWW! I'm sorry! I won't do it again! ...Uhm, what did I just do by now?

TWRPI: "AND NOW FOR YE WEAPON!"

(Two knights enter and walk over to Felipe, holding a scabbard in their hands. The sword's hilt is golden and is set with many jewels. The scabbard, of course, is pink with a Barbie logo on it. They bow and humbly present it to the Prince... er... Princess.)

Knight 1: Here is your weapon...

Knight 2: It is a magical talking sword...

Knight 1: Named...

(The Knight draws the sword from the scabbard, revealing a shining silver blade, which is sharp, and pointy. This, of course, is normal for a sword. The blade's shininess blinds anyone who just happens to be flying overhead.)

Random Sparrow: MY EYES! HELP! I'M BLIND! AAAGH!

(It falls like a rock and hits the ground with a "BOING"! Wait. Wrong Sound effect. I mean, "SPLAT"!)

Knight 2: ...Rusty.

Rusty: DON'T CALL ME THAT, FOR THE LAST TIME!

Felipe: HOLY COW! IT TALKS!

Rusty: Duh. And don't call me "Rusty". I would have preferred "Ex Caliber", mind you, but that name's already taken.

Felipe: AAAAAAAGH! IT TALKS!

Rusty: Not that again! And I'm a HE.

(He also is the only sane character here... Too bad.)

Felipe: Oh well. (Straps the Barbie scabbard on her left hip, and grabs the sword.)

Rusty: And, I refuse to go in there. It's called honor, mind you, and a sword needs honor.

Felipe: Whatever. (Practically shoves him into the scabbard.)

Rusty: WATCH THE BLADE! Sheesh. You've never picked up a sword in your life, have you?!

Felipe: Nope! And I have no idea how to fight with one either! Now shut up and quit complaining.

Queen Queen: Well, then! I guess you're all ready. All you need now is a noble steed!

Rusty: With a nut like her, all she'll need is some sort of donkey and she'll be fine with that...

King King: Splendid Idea! BRING IN THE TORTURED MASSES!

(The Prison Owner Dude who owns the kingdom of Kingdom's Prisons shoves in a huge mob-sized group of bruised and beat-up prisoners. All of which, obviously, are tortured, of course.)

Prison Owner Dude: Here you go, sire. One pair of tortured masses.

Queen Queen: Er... He means.. well... *ahem* BRING IN THE TORTURED ASSES!

(All the Tortured Masses turn around and moon everyone present in the throne room.)

Rusty: Ack!

Felipe: Butts? I don't get it.

Queen Queen: (Slaps self.) Oh, god... I meant "asses" as in DONKEYS!

Tortured Masses: Ohhh... that...

(The Tortured Masses and the Prison Owner Dude leave.)

Stable-Person Guy Without a Name, or, Alternatively, Nameless Stable Person Guy: Here they be, your Grace.

The Stable-Person Guy Without a Name, or, Alternatively, Nameless Stable Person Guy presents his sick, lame, and otherwise pathetic donkeys. They smell, too.

Rusty: And I refuse-while being stuffed in this disagreeable scabbard- to bounce at her side while atop this DISGUSTING ANIMAL!

All: We don't give a damn.

Rusty: Never mind...

S-PGWAN,O,A,NSPG: It doesn't matter. Your Highness, Princess Felipe. Please pick a turkey. I mean, donkey.

(Sheesh. What an acronym)

Random Donkey No. 1: GOBBLE! GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE!

Felipe: (Boredly, not even bothering to laugh.) Hmmm... no... too stupid…

Random Donkey No.2: FIGARO, FIGARO, FIGAROOOOOO!

Felipe: AAAAAAAAAAAAGH!

Random Donkey No. 3: NEIGH!

Rusty: You got the first part right, you "noble steed". And I said that with every ounce of sarcasm in my miserable hilt right in your even more miserable face! Ha!

Random Donkey No. 4: (Breathes heavily in Felipe's face, almost as if it had a horrible case of lung cancer.) LUKE, I AM YOUR FATHER!

Luke: NO FAIR!

Rusty: WHAT THE HECK?!

Felipe: NO WAY! I thought the Emperor was!

Luke: Eeeeew, no way, man. That guy's all wrinkly, and I'm cute and handsome! Big difference, you know.

Rusty: Good point, Luke. But Vader... er, I mean, Anakin Skywalker was a bald old ugly guy with blue eyes and a scar on his face.

Luke: I never look at all the fine details.

Rusty: Well, yes, true. Because, if you did look at all the fine details; you would be shuddering at the sheer insanity of having a conversation with a talking sword.

Luke: I AM?!

(Luke runs away, surprisingly enough, scared outta his wits (and screaming like a scared schoolgirl). Poor Luke. He was way too out of character there... Oh, yes. And kids, please don't smoke or you'll turn into a donkey and be Luke's father, and end up dead after "The Return of the Jedi". That's not very fun, if you must know.)

Queen Queen: AAAAGH! Claustrophobia STRIKES!

(Claustrophobia Strikes)

Claustrophobia: GAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

I HAVE STRICKEN! ALL, FEAR ME!

All: Errrr...

Felipe: ...right. Uhm. Okay.

Claustrophobia: What? ...is my nose running? Do I have a wedgie?

Rusty: ...everyone...turn around...and...run... wish I could...

Claustrophobia: GAAAAAAAH! WHAT'S WRONG?! WHY IS NOBODY AFRAID OF CLAUSTROPHOBIA STRIKING?! AAAAAGH! MY PANTS MUST BE TOO TIGHT!

(They are, strangely.)

Claustrophobia: Wait. My pants are too tight? HELP ME!

(Claustrophobia runs away, screaming like an idiot.)

Rusty: ...um... that was simple...

Felipe: No kidding...

King King: All righty then! THE QUEST! Ready? Set? GO!

(Gun shot.)

Felipe: (Mounts Random Donkey No. 3.) Giddup!

Rusty: Why me?

Felipe: GO! GO! GO!

Announcer Guy: AND THEY'RE OFF! (SPLAT!) Well...sorta...

Felipe: HELP! MY SWORD RAN INTO SOMETHING!

Rusty: *Cough* Don't you mean, "My horse er...donkey ran into something"? Wait. No. I'll answer that question. Yes. You meant that. ...uh, and, your horse ran into a wall, by the way.

Felipe: Shut up, Rusty.

Rusty: DON'T CALL ME THAT!

ANNOUNCER DUDE FROM TEXAS: And so, the brave Princess embarks on a dangerous quest upon her noble steed, which she later named "Clippity-Clop". With her trusty blade at her side, and her brain in her... wait. Where is her brain?

Well. Anyways. And now she rides off into oblivion! Wait. What about Felipe's REAL parents? And not her soon-to-be in-laws...? And what about Napoleon's cheese sandwich, which is in the microwave? Er...never mind.

(Silence.)

ANNOUNCER DUDE FROM TEXAS: I said, "And now she rides off into oblivion!"

Oblivion: HEY! Don't...ride... off...into... (Clippity-Clop runs right over him.) ...me...

Aww, darn it. Not again... (Oblivion sulks gloomily.)

To Be Continued...

(OH NOOOOO! Not "To Be Continued!")

A/N: I'msorry! We are experiencing technical difficulties with Chapter Two! But please wait impatiently with your cup of java, and we'll bring you the next installment in no time!

Yup! No time!

All: Boooooo!

A/N: (Ignores the booing.) Oh. Yeah. An explanation! The "Announcer Dude From Texas" is actually about an in-joke you readers won't understand unless you just happen to be a certain friend of mine. And I don't mean the state, strangely enough... I mean, as in literally, "a whole 'other country"!

And Here is a Brief Ingredient List of Chapter Two:

Frankfurters, fish, witches (and one or more of the following: onion rings, glass slippers, outhouses, golf balls, golf clubs, captured princes, and duct tape), chainsaws, gumdrops, big mysterious forests, Rusty (Don't Call me That!), Princess Felipe, an ogre, Clippity-Clop the Donkey, a lighthouse, a cherry-picker, King Queen, Queen King, more dumb acronyms, and the Return of PWILS!

Okay. Now that's it.

TO BE CONTINUED... MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

¡Advertencia! INGREDIENT LIST CONTENTS NOT COMPLETELY GUARANTEED TO SHOW UP IN CHAPTER TWO. (IF THERE IS ONE)

Warning! INGREDIENT LIST CONTENTS NOT LIKELY TO SHOW UP IN CHAPTER TWO. (IF THERE IS ONE)

PLEASE CALL YOUR LOCAL INTERNET PROVIDER FOR MORE DETAILS ON THE SITUATION

OR

PLEASE CALL YOUR LOCAL GROCER FOR MORE INFORMATION ON HOW TO SAFELY USE A FIRE HYDRANT WITHOUT ACCIDENTALLY SHOOTING A MONKEY WRENCH INTO SOMEBODY'S FACE

OR

YOU CAN BASICALLY JUST SAY THIS IS THE END OF CHAPTER ONE

THE END OF CHAPTER ONE!