I closed my eyes and let my breath come out. I held back the tears thus far but they started to leak out of my eyes. I wrapped my fingers around the knife. The world was my canvas and I was going to paint it red. He hated me, I couldn't believe it. He always said he was my friend, but now, now it was all coming out. He never loved me. He never did. Whore. Slut. Bitch. Idiot.

Fuck you. No one care about your hands anymore, they used to play such beautiful music, but now he didn't care. He doesn't care about your arms anymore, he'd never check for the needle bits. He wouldn't touch your back softly again when you cried. He would never rustle your hair, when he was being playful. He wouldn't hand you a Kleenex to wipe your tears away, nor would he ever brush them from your cheeks. He would never look at you again with those miss matched eyes. He never would call you beautiful, make dumb jokes to see you smile.

No, he didn't care anymore, he told you so. All he would do is stand on the sidelines, and let you die. No one else in the band cares, they would have come over by now. No, no its over. Its done. Show him your devotion. Show him everything, every question, every word left unspoken, every touch never granted, every kiss, every caress that was kept in the back of the closet that he, eventually, forgot. They burned themselves into your memory but he, he hated you.

They all hate you, your band, the public, the world. Remember what they said about you? Remember? yes. So then do they care? i guess not. You guess not? Be Define! Make up your stupid little mind for once in your life! they hate me. Do It. fine.

Johnette Napolitano + Suicide Note

\\ Every night + You wrote another line + With a bloody, broken, bottle + And every day + You wish it away + Why don't you pull the pin + On that grenade + You cuddle/

I wanted to believe + Bodies swinging from trees + Struggling to stand + With your head in your hands + A stoic last stand + Of a dying man/

\\ I wanted to believe + As I watched your world + Crumble in your hands + I wanted to believe + As you raised your glass + To your last stand + And I wanted to believe + You would win + The war in your head + That I did not understand + That I did not understand/

\\ Every night + The questions poured out + Of your wounded eyes + Damn dark things + Every day + You used to pray + Listen to the black raven sing + You wanted to believe + As you were falling to your knees + Struggling to stand + With your life in your hand + The sad last stand + Of a broken man /

\\ I wanted to believe + As I watched your world + Crumble in your hands + I wanted to believe + As you raised your glass + To your last stand + And I wanted to believe + You would win + The war in your head + That I did not understand + That I did not understand /

\\ I wanted to believe + As I watch your world + Crumble in your hands + I wanted to believe + As you raised your glass + To your last stand + And I wanted to believe + You would win + The war in your head + That I did not understand + That I did not understand /

\\ And the questions pour out + And the questions pour out + I did not understand + I did not understand + I did not understand + I did not understand + The sound of you falling + I did not understand + As the trembling heart of a man + Did not understand + The sound of a trembling heart /