Author's Note: As some of you might know, I posted this piece a while ago. It was originally written as the opposite of another essay, but now, after sitting in the recesses of my computer for nearly three months, here it is: revamped and ready to go. Read at your pleasure, laughter, or, if it really gets you worked up: anger.
Guidelines of Liberalism
Bill Clinton: A good and honorable man, and a great president. This is an absolute truth, undisputable as the goodness of rock protest songs. George W. Bush is a deserter because he served in the National Guard (which had people in Vietnam), but Mr. Clinton is worthy of praise for fleeing the country to avoid the draft.
George W. Bush: A horrible, evil, disgusting person. This man is a complete retard. He is an idiot who somehow managed to overturn two hundred years of democracy and undermine an electoral system that's worked for just as long.
Republicans: We all know and love them. These people are idiots. Living south of the Mason Dixon, these types are all minority-lynching, gay killing, intolerant, extremist whack jobs who constantly perpetuate stereotypes of others to feel better about themselves.
Gulf War I: Thirty nations siding with America meant that they had the world's support.
Gulf War II: Thirty nations is nothing. Most of the world is against America's cause. What we really need is the support of countries that have interests in Iraq. The thirty other countries don't count. France and Germany do.
Clinton sending troops into Kosovo to stop the genocide was a humanitarian effort. Bush sending troops into Iraq to stop the massacre of its citizens by a dictator was a war for oil (despite Kuwait and Iran having more oil and the rise in gas prices, which we would later call Bush's fault). Besides, Saddam was only killing his own people. It's none of our business.
War Similarities: Comparing the liberation and freeing of the Iraqi people to the liberation and freeing of the Jews in WWII is a flawed argument. Comparing Iraq to Vietnam, especially when it has no similarities whatsoever is completely valid.
War: Apart from stopping Communism, defeating the Nazis ending their fascist regime and stopping the holocaust, freeing the slaves and winning American independence, WAR HAS DONE NOTHING!
War Supporter: Chickenhawks. All of them. If there is a cause that is dangerous on the part of those fighting it, its supporters should be taking up arms alongside them. For example, if you support taking dangerous murderers off the street, then you should be a cop (either way, soldier or policeman, they fight for us and keep us safe). If you are not, you are a chickenhawk. Even if you can't fight, and you support the cause, you are hypocrite.
This means the sick; the elderly, those who are too young, etc. are all chickenhawks. It also doesn't matter if you've already served or plan on doing so in the future. You cannot support a cause unless you're presently active.
Protestors: The enlightened minority. Spending more time with a sign in their hand than they do with their own children, these demigods speak against the evil that is Americ...er...Democracy…um…Republicanism. Yes, that's it. Republicanism. Using their Constitutional right to protest automatically makes them patriots. However, using your Constitutional right to tell them to shut the hell up is the most unpatriotic act you could ever hope to commit.
Patriot: True patriots aren't actually the people who love their country the most, even for all its faults (I mean, what kind of stupid ass would actually live in the country they love? Why not live in a country that you can badmouth continually and piss and moan about all the horrors its committed on its enemies, who have done ten times worse?) True Patriots are the people who hate their country, but love their right to hate it.
(Pre-Election 2004): The predominance of the citizenry in the United States are intelligent, thinking individuals who spurn the Commander-in-Thief (a totally creative line) with a fervor that shimmers with the intensity of the sun.
(Post-Election 2004): Freaking retards.
American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU): Angels of peace who stand up for the First Amendment, even when they enforce rules and restrictions (and constantly wave around phrases) that cannot be found anywhere within the clause. They are defenders of truth, justice and the American way; which means Nazis, the KKK and N.A.M.B.L.A. The Republicans are at constant war with the ACLU, but why? What kind of individual would argue with a group that stands strongly for an American right?
National Rifle Association (NRA): Spawn from the deepest circle of hell (even though there could never be such a place) that stands up for the Second Amendment. We're at constant war with the NRA. Why, you ask? What kind of individual would argue with a group that stands strongly for an American….oh, yeah…..never mind.
Stay tuned for next chapter, where I promise to continue showing how good liberal ideas are, and the hypocrisy of the Conservative right. See you there.