2Little Things Like That
"I cannot find a way to describe it
It's there inside..."
A girl sits in her room, music playing from her boom box while she softly sings along to it. She's heard it so many times in the past few days that she has it memorized. Her entire family is sick of it.
So far this seems like a nice, normal scene, doesn't it? Of course, you don't know about the tiny drop of blood that's slowly winding its way down the girl's arm from a self-inflicted cut. The cut's barely larger than a paper cut, but it's there. It was left by a razor. One of the safety ones. They apparently aren't very safe. Bet you didn't know that if you press hard enough while running it slowly across your arm, it'll break through the skin.
You don't know about any of the circumstances surrounding this scene, either, do you? Neither do the girl's family. As far as they know, she's perfectly normal and happy. Ignorance is bliss, they say. But it's not their fault. They're just preoccupied. With four homeschooled children in the house, who can blame them? But it makes the girl feel so alone sometimes.
She might as well not bother to hide the cuts on her arms. Her parents would never notice anyway. The only one who might notice is her best friend- let's call her Cally- and in a day or two Cally probably won't care to even LOOK at her, let alone notice some silly little cut on her arm. But we'll get back to that later.
There're other things the girl's parents don't know about. How she skips over half of her meals, and has gone for over a week without eating before, simply because she doesn't feel like dragging herself away from her books to eat; which websites and stories she looks at and reads while no ones home; little things like that.
The most important thing they don't notice, though, is that she never cries, no matter how much she hurts. And she DOES hurt. But she feels like she can never tell. They would all hate her. So she's always hiding- who she is, what she feels, what she hates, what she loves, what she wants. What's slowly eating her soul away, from the inside out. Little things like that.
"All I do is hide
I wish it would just go away..."
And she does wish it- her problem- would just go away. She hates it, and, because it's an indispensable part of her until she fixes it, she hates her self. The only way she can fix it is if she answers a question, then comes to grips with the answer.
But the answer, whatever it is, will decide where her life goes from here. It could make her miserable, or happier than she's ever been, depending on whether or not she answers it currently. And she doesn't know the answer.
She licks the blood off of her arm in one swift movement, not wanting it to get on anything. Bloodstains on her bedclothes would be suspicious. Her mother would get to asking her what was wrong, and she couldn't take that. She can't think of anything that would make her mother worry less, while still being a reasonable excuse. She's enjoys the metallic taste of the blood while it lasts, then reaches over and picks up her diary, turning to a random page. It says, 'July 14' across the top.
The entry reads, 'You'd probably think I was insane if you knew. I mean, how many people can truly say that they don't know if they're gay or straight? I don't. The thing is, I like girls. I'M THAT WAY- I think. But I'm not sure. I've gotten too good at hiding who I am so well, that now even I don't know anything about myself. It's so confusing. One day I think I am, and then I think I'm not, and all the time I have to hide it. I can't tell my dad or sister, because they'd hate me. I can't tell my mom, because I don't know what she'd do. What if she hated me? I can't tell Cally for the same reasons- maybe she'd hate me. Or maybe she'd act all calm about it, but the refuse to get close to me, and eventually fell out of my life. I couldn't live with that. My entire life is wrapped up in her. If she hated me, I'd literally die. I'd probably kill myself. She's that important. She's everything to me. I'd do anything for her, right down to giving up my life for her.
Quotes of the day;
1. "You don't know me. That's okay. Neither do I."
2. "Who am I?"
Signed,
Emma'
What would you do
You do if you knew
What would you do...
She sighs, flipping to an empty entry. 'According to all of my other entries, I can't tell Cally. I CAN'T. She'd hate me. She'd stop being my friend. So why is it that I feel like I have to tell her? Why is it that I'm GOING to tell her? She'll hate me.
She'll HATE me. Meaning- notice the word HATE here. As in, I'll lose her friendship.
SHE'LL hate me. Meaning- HER. SHE. CALLY. Always a very important person. This sentence points that out before allowing you on the next two words.
She'll hate ME. Meaning- ME. The person she can NEVER hate- right? Wrong.
Shall I tell her, and get this horrid guilt and worry over with? Or shall I not, and feel guilty and worried, but still have her friendship? THAT is the question.
Signed,
Emma'
All the pain
Following you
All the thoughts lead back to you
Back to what was never said
Back and forth inside my head...
'Emma' calmly shut the notebook, then curled up in a ball, breathing deeply, almost as one might just before she starts crying. But remember what I told you- she almost never cries. She has too much control over herself- TOO much. So much, that now she can't cry even if she wants to, even when she feels trapped and hurt, like someone's ripping her apart from the inside out.
She feels like that almost all of the time now. The only time she doesn't is when she's around Cally, and even then she has to deal with that feeling of overwhelming guilt.
Who is she?
I can't handle this confusion
I'm unable
Come and take me away...
Just then, her mother calls, telling her to come out of her room. They're going to the grocery store.
She pastes on a realistic-looking smile and goes out to the car with them, jabbering all the way about how she couldn't BELIEVE her favorite TV show had been canceled, and how another one of the episodes was coming out on DVD soon, and she just HAD to have it the first day it came out.
In the car, she blocked out the screams of her siblings, choosing instead to try and drown out her emotions in yet another book. It actually worked fairly well, until they got to the store and she had to leave it in the car. Inside, she started talking at high speed again, as if trying to make up for lost time.
All the time, she was constantly aware of the thought that ran through her head, over and over again. 'None of them know... They don't know... I'm all alone in this. They have no idea; it's my little secret, right? I'm all alone in this.'
I feel like I- I'm all alone
All by myself
I need to get around this...
"So, Emma, how's Cally lately? She seemed upset again on Wednesday." Her mother asks.
"She's fine. In fact, we wrote another story on-"
"I don't care about your stories. Is that all you ever talk about? Tell me, who do you have a crush on now?" Her sister asks, not unkindly.
"No one YOU need to know about." 'You would hate me if you knew...'
My words are cold
I don't want them to hurt you
If I show you
I don't think you'd understand
'Cause no one understands...
'WHY did I have to get a crush on CALLY of all people? It just makes all of this WORSE. Just one more thing I can't tell her... Just one more thing that drags me back into this cursed circle of thoughts, "Yes, no, Cally will hate me, yes, no..." God, it hurts!' "I'm sorry for being so mean, Miranda. I'm just a little cranky today."
All the pain
Following you
All the thoughts lead back to you
Back to what was never said
Back and forth inside my head
I can't handle this confusion
I'm unable
Come and take me away...
'I HAVE to tell Cally when she comes over today. I HAVE to! Otherwise this will just go on and on forever...'
I'm going nowhere (on and on and)
I'm getting nowhere (on and on and on)
Take me away
I'm going nowhere (on and off and off and on and off and on)...
Later that day, when Cally came over, Emma dragged her off into the woods, where no one would hear her confession. She was scared out of her wits. Her entire world was wrapped up in Cally. If Cally hated her- No. She wouldn't think about it, she WOULDN'T. She'd find out soon enough. She would tell her. NOW. But then she opened her mouth, and nothing came out.
She took a deep breath, and did the next best thing to telling her outright. She had already told Cally that she had something to tell her, so it was as simple as saying, "Guess."
Cally blinked and stared at her for a second, "You always have to do things the hard way, don't you? Uhhh... You have crush on Sam?"
"No..." Emma was refusing to look at her, walking away from her in the pretense of climbing on the logs that lay all over the woods.
"You... like Jim?" Cally asked. Emma could imagine the look on her face; it clearly said, 'Ewwww!'
"NO!" Emma shrieked, disgusted. THAT jerk? EW!
"You killed someone?"
"No! You're so DENSE!" Emma shouted, her nerves finally cracking. "I get crushes on girls, okay?" She mentally breathed a sigh of relief. It was done with. Cally knew. Afterwards, it would probably strike her as humorous that she had lost her temper at a time when she was anything BUT angry.
That is, if Cally didn't hate her. If that happened, the only thing she'd probably ever do when thinking about it would be to cry, if she was still alive to cry.
Cally plus Hate plus Emma equals Suicide.
All the pain
Following you
All the thoughts lead back to you
Back to what was never said
Back and forth inside my head
I can't handle this confusion
I'm unable
Come and take me away
Take me away
Take me away
Take me away...
Cally simply responded, "Oh, is that all?" It's little things like that that can really brighten up someone's day.
My first songfic. This is, in actuality, a true story. I just changed the names, wrote it all down, and put it to a only thing that really differs from what happenedwas what Cally asked.I can't remember the exact questions Cally asked, so...