Same address for five years. Same room, same window that i never completely shut so when ever she wanted she could crawl threw it. I still don't shut it just incase. I don't want to leave, that would be like saying i am giving up on her coming back to me. I can't leave I have to stay here, the only thing that keeps me saine is the hope that some day she might just come by and say that she doesn't hate me. That's all i want to hear her say and then i can die happy.

Just in case she ever wants to i don't leave. Same phone number for all these years too; no calls no letters. She hates me. It was my fault.

One in the afternoon. I hate Mondays almost as bad as Sundays. I have work usually on Mondays. I didn't go in today, i couldn't get out of bed.

I like my job, I am a teacher, a history teacher to be exact. I just couldn't bring myself to go into work today. The kids will be okay without me. It isn't like it is exam week or anything. That is next week. I couldn't leave the house today. Today is five years. On December the 5 five years ago she left me.

I remember the last fight we had. I started that one.

"Way to rinse off your plate." That was it, that was all i needed to say.

"Yeah okay so you are Mr. Perfect and because you work all day i have to do the dishes and clean everything." Once she got on a rant like that there was no stopping her. So i just sat on the couch with a beer in my hand and listened. We had been together for a little over two years. She moved in with me on her eighteenth birthday and gave up all her dreams. She wanted to write and she wanted to sing but instead she was stuck with me going to community college and getting her AA.

She would always act like me working wasn't anything big, I worked construction. I worked long and hard hours but when we would fight she would always say that a trained monkey could do my job. With some of the people that i worked with that was totally true.

"She pissed at you again?"Connor said coming into the room. I might have had a chance to calm her down and get her to stay if he wouldn't have said anything.

"Fuck you Connor." She said threw gritted teeth. She was fuming at this point, for such a little thing when she got mad grown men cowered.

"Maddy baby please..." I started holding my hands out trying to hug her. I just wanted to calm her down, I wanted to tell her i would do any thing for her. I wanted to tell her that she was right about my shitty job. I wanted to tell her that i was too smart to be doing manual labor. I wanted to tell her that i didn't want to leave her a widow because of lung cancer or liver cancer. I wanted to tell her that she didn't need to worry about me any more because i was going to start listening to her. But any thing i said to her then would have been a lie.

"Don't.." She whispered. She closed her eyes and i knew she was about to start crying. I stepped closer. She held her arms up to stop me. "I don't want to hear it any more, I don't want to hear you promise me that you will change. I don't want to hear how you will finally put your brain to good use and get a better job. I don't want to hear you say you are going to quit drinking and smoking. And i espically do not want to hear you say that you are going to settle down with me. I do not ever want to hear your voice again come to think of it." She kept her eyes closed while she said all of this.

"Just tell me what you want from me. Just tell me what i can do to make everything better. I don't.. I can't loose you." She was my life. She is my life.

She just looked at me and rolled her eyes and walked away. This usually signaled the end of combat when we fought, so i sat down on the couch and started drinking my beer again. I didn't see her again for about an hour i thought she was just sitting in our room seething. I just let her get her head together and when she would calm down i would go in there and talk to her.

This time was different. I decided she had enough cool down time and i went in after her.

"What the fuck are you doing?" I screamed at her when I walked in the room. I swear the neighbors probably heard me.

"What the fuck does it look like..." She said looking down at the box she was stuffing books into. She was going to leave me.

"You have got to be shitting me. You aren't leaving."

"Wanna fucking bet?" She said turning to me and raising her eyebrows. Worst POSSIBLE thing i could have said. Proving people wrong was like a hobbie to her.

"What the FUCK!" I screamed crossing the room and grabbing her by the shoulders.

"Don't fucking touch me you spineless, dickless, brainless, GAH! there isn't even a word bad enough to describe you!"

"Oh I'm the spineless one and you are the one who still hasn't told your mom you are living in a house with three guys. She still thinks you are staying at Crystals. She doesn't even know you changed your address with the Post Office!" At this point i just wanted to piss her off. I didn't care about what i said I didn't care about how much i hurt her. I was going in for the kill. "You can't even manage to tell her that bastard of a husband of hers oggles and gropes you. You are the spineless one!"

I knew that would get under her skin. She had the power to get him out of her life, but she was afraid that her mom would get mad before she would get divorced, and when they fought, they fought.

"You know what, you are right. I am spineless and co-dependent, and i could be so much happier if i could occasionally do something for myself instead of doing what others wanted me to do. So here's to you and your advice." She said grabbing her bags and walking out of the room. I just stood there. My girl, my reason for life was about to walk out and i couldn't make my brain and mouth cooperate long enough to say i was sorry. I couldn't feel my legs much less run out of the room to chase her down.

I knew she was right.

I didn't diserve her.

Her best friend came by the next day to get the rest of her things.

"Just so you know, you both were wrong in this," was all she said before she walked out the door. I just nodded at her. I couldn't believe it. She would come back. She was having a Maddison attack, as i called them. She would become irrational, irritible and just plain crazy for a few days then everything would be okay. I would just have to wait it out.

But i waited, and i waited, she didn't come back. I found out a few weeks later that she moved in with her older brother in Atlanta. He was helping her threw college and had gotten her a job at a bar down the street from their appartment.

I waited. I signed up for classes, i took more then a full time student would. I quit drinking, i didn't go anywhere. I settled down.

I waited. Next thing i knew I was graduating with a bachlorate in education. It had been four years. She was still gone. I dreamed about her almost every night. I had learned how to make it look like i was happy, like i didn't need her anymore. I learned how to get threw the day without listening to the last message she had left me on the answering machiene, rewinding to hear "Baby i love you and i'll see you in a little bit" over and over.

I even started working at the same high school that i had gotten kicked out of seven years before. I did everything that i could to make her want to come back, but i knew that she wouldn't know what i was doing. I knew that she would not care even if she found out. Most of all i knew that her pride wouldn't let her come back to me.

A sharp knock at the door pulled me from my memories.

"Hey Trey you got a box man." Brad said banging on my door like he wanted to knock it down. "Helloooo bozo. You need to come out sooner or later."

"Fuck you man I'm sick leave me alone." Was all i could muster. I couldn't even yell it at him it just came out in one monotone sentence.

"Stop being so fucking EMO kid. It has been five fucking years." He yelled threw the door. I could hear him picking the lock with the 'key' above my door. The 'key' is really a paper clip that they fashened to pick my lock every time i lock myself in my room.

It took him all of a minute to get the lock. I didn't even turn to look at him when he came threw the door.

"Dude you know i love you and you are my brother and shit but if you don't stop wallowing over her i swear to Jesus Christ I am going to start kicking you in the balls every time i see you like this." I just ignored him, hopefully he will go away soon. "Fine, whatever, here's your box." He said throwing it perfectly on my head and it crashed on the other side of my bed.

"Just get out please." I whispered.

"Mary" He yelled and i threw a pillow at him.

How did he know it was still her?

Well that was a given. I still had all of our pictures, I had her drawings and paintings all over the walls. Every stupid girly angst ridden poem that she wrote and gave to me. I had all of it. I couldn't get away from her in my head so i didn't even try to get away from her in my room. I knew it wasn't healthy, i knew that i should at least try to get over her. But just thinking about not being with her hurt.

What i was doing wasn't healthy but it was easier then when i knew i should be doing.

I rolled over and went in the drawer next to my bed. I pulled out a bottle of Tylenol PM and took two. It was only one in the after noon but i knew if i got out of bed it would be worse then just staying here. I slowly just let them kick in and when i finally fell asleep it was soft and dreamless.

I completely forgot about the box.