I woke up at about three in the morning and just laid in bed. I slept hard for nearly fourteen hours but still didn't feel rested. My arms and legs felt stiff like i hadn't moved them the entire time i was asleep. At least i didn't have any dreams. The bad ones hurt but the good ones with her in them hurt even worse when i woke up.

I looked around my room letting my eyes adjust to the darkness. I was trying to decide if i was hungry.

I went threw the argument in my head. I should eat, i need to, but i didn't want to get out of bed. I went back and forth with myself in my head. In the end i got out of bed but it was more because i had to pee then anything else.

It is such a hassle. Get up out of the comfy bed that is nice and warm, stumble threw my messy room and go to the door, walk down the hall to the bathroom with out turning on the hall light because the roommates are probably still awake playing Fallout or some other stupid game, make sure no one sees you or they will start cracking jokes, go to the bathroom, come back into the room, stub you toe on a box... wait that isn't supposed to happen.

A box? I thought back to right before i took the Tylenol and remembered the box that got thrown on me. I looked at it, it was a good sized box I wasn't expecting anything. Finally I really looked at it, at the address.

Trey Stone

432 Keen Walk

Kingsland, Georgia, 31548

Her hand writing. Why would she be sending me this? What would she feel the need to send me. I couldn't bring myself to open the box. There were too many things that could be in it that would hurt to see again.

The Against Me shirt i got at a concert and she claimed the second she saw it. She just put it on over the tank top she had been wearing. It was the first time she came to my house, that first night. She kept saying that she was stealing it but i would have given her anything she ever wanted so it didn't really matter to me.I never wanted it back after that, I would always say i was going to steal it back one day that she couldn't keep it forever but i was never serious. She looked so much better in it then i did. It would hurt more then anything else if she was sending it back to me.

I didn't want to know what it was, but i couldn't stop myself from looking. There was a little part of me that thought maybe in that box was a peace offering. Maybe it was the pictures she took with her that i always wanted copies of because i loved them so much.

In the end I couldn't resist opening the box.

"Box full of letters. Letters? LETTERS? Wait I am sorry, I missed something." I patically shouted not worrying anymore if the guys knew i was awake. I looked at the flaps of the box and one of the letters was taped to it.

"Read Me First" It said in her clear beautiful handwritting. I opened the letter and looked over the page. Every once in a while there were little tear stains on the paper. I could tell where she decided against words and scratched them out. In some places she even scratched threw the paper.

Tree, lovie. (Her secret nickname for me. I never let anyone else call me that, but she loved the nickname, so i indulged her.)

I am sorry. Please forgive me. These are my letters to you. There is at least one for every day I have been gone. I told you I would write you every day if i ever went away, do you remember? When i first thought about going to Atlanta to go to school? This is me making good on my promise. You know me I can't even break a promise when we aren't even together anymore.

Tree, there are so many things that i want to tell you that i never did. I never told you how much you scared me, always flying into everything head first, it always frightened the fuck out of me. I couldn't stand the fact that you never had anything planned out. I always thought that you would change someday, that you would grow up if i gave you the time. Then you didn't. I couldn't stand that you didn't care about what I said, what i thought. I couldn't stand the thought that you could live you life without me but I couldn't live mine without you. I hate you so much some times to think that you could hate me.

I miss you so damned much. I miss your smile your laugh, the way you always grabbed my boobs, just to hear me yell and scream at you. I miss the way you taste. God I even miss Conor and Brad! It is so hard for me to be without you even now. To this day i still sleep in that stupid shirt because it makes me feel safe. Like if i am wearing your shirt nothing can hurt me and somehow you are there.

These letters started out as a way for me to get over you, to get closure by telling myself every reason that i didn't want to go back, every reason why i hated you. But after a while my anger faded and i realized that this was more of a way to hold on to you and not a way to leave you.

You don't know how many times I dialed you number and then stopped myself. I was afraid of you answering, but i was more afraid that you changed the number and it would be another voice on the line that picked up.

I actually went threw with it once. You picked up and I couldn't speak. My throat went dry and i couldn't form the words. You said hello once and then just hung up. You didn't bother to even wait a minute to see if the person on the other line would say something. So many things went threw my mind. Did you loose your patience? Are you still the same boy i fell in love with? Have... have you gotten over me? Did you not hope that every time the phone would ring that it would be me? Did you not realize that i still hoped ever time the phone rang it would be you?

That night I got drunk and screwed every living being I could find. Four guys, I called all of them your name. I was so drunk i couldn't see straight so they all looked like you. I know you always said that i was yours forever. I still believe that. Every man i see has your face. Every time someone says Maddy i hear your voice. I hear Maddy cakes.

I don't know anymore. All I know is I miss you. I love you. And I can understand if you never want to see me again but i need you still.

Yours always and forever,

Madison.

Maddy... My Maddy... I couldn't believe it. I couldn't breathe. She, she still loves me? I sifted threw the box there were hundreds of letters. Some were long, pages taped together, others were just a few words on the paper. I looked at the outside of the box again there was no return address.

I sat back on my bed and just looked at the box. Five years worth of letters. How could this be?

I felt like I was in some bad made for TV movie. This is the part right before the commercial. The break right before the couple gets back together, then they have their happily ever after.

But that was never me and Maddy. We weren't in a fairy tale. I wasn't prince charming, i was the evil sorcerer trying to get the princess he didn't deserve.

I have spent the last five years trying to make things up to her, trying to be the man she deserves. No matter how much i have changed how much i have tried to be come what she wants, who she wants, i can't. I changed in alot of ways, grown up a little but i still was the same scared little boy who did what ever I want.

I will never be him, the man who has the big dreams, who goes a million miles a minute to get everything done. I will never be good enough. She will always need more then i can give. She will always be more... more then me.

I don't know when i started breathing again, but eventually i felt like the world stopped spinning, and i could catch my breath.

Thats about when i started reading them all.