Gray Matter - 2 – Inquiété de

D'Neronique et d'égoïsme

During lunch, Leon met up with his fraternal twin, Laura. It honestly wasn't a conscious action on his part – it was mere coincidence that they shared the same lunch time. More so, that they shared the following class, Psychology. In Leon's opinion, that was way more time than he would have liked to spend with his sibling, even a twin, such as it was.

It was no small wonder that Leon felt disconnected with his sister – she was just short of being his polar opposite. A social, talkative and spiritually dependant girl, Laura's circle of friends was nothing short of what Leon despised the most. Even more disgusting was the fact that they were 'too nice' to lay it on his sister that they didn't want him around. To Leon, this was the ultimate act of selfishness.

At their lunch table today, however, began a conversation Leon couldn't help but force himself to listen to. It was the most stereotypical conversation that ever left the mouth of a self-proclaimed social outcast: the 'when/now I was/am suicidal' talk.

Laura smiled sympathetically as her friend, Erin. Erin, apparently, was having issues with her boyfriend, who, for some reasons beyond comprehension, seriously had issues with the fact that she planned to get a sex-change operation in the not-so-distant future. In fact, her boyfriend was so upset, he had begun to spread gay-rumors about the poor girl, earning her a series of unpleasant anonymous phone-calls and e – mails. This upset Erin.

The conversation had begun rather innocently: Erin was reciting all the punishments bestowed upon her, such as taking away her custom-made Samurai sword, and her special-addition Gimli ax. Also innocent was the question made by Kate, another groupie of sorts: "What caused these punishments, if you don't mind me asking?"

The reply, of course, was sheepish – though Leon could not have imagined why – and a bit anticipatory. "I… sort of didn't want to live anymore."

There was then, a sudden silence across the table. A taboo had been broken. The very word every teenager becomes comically serious at upon hearing it, or the word implied. Suicide; immediately memories of government paid education videos about suicide that Leon was forced to watch during Health class crowded his mind. Voices of former friends and mothers spoke as a slightly-fuzzy picture of the deceased was zoomed in upon. They were always great students who had such wonderful personalities and had what appeared to be a promising future. Leon wondered about the ones who didn't have any of these, and immediately understood their reasons.

The silence was broken by Erin's nervous laugh. "So yeah… and now I'm not allowed to do anything."

And with that statement, suddenly everyone at the table was suddenly an attempted - suicide victim. Including Laura.

Or rather, especially Laura. Leon's sister had suddenly taken the position of 'most understanding' because she had, apparently, been so suicidal at the one point, she actually wrote down plans to kill herself. Leon vaguely wondered why he did not remember his sister being anything but chirpy.

"At least you have people who care, Erin. I mean, no one even noticed me."

Aww, poor baby. Leon thought sarcastically.

Also present was Mary, who had apparently been constantly seeing a psychiatrist since her parents found disturbing illustrations of people killing themselves in her closet.

Erin, however, was not ready to give up the seat of most-to-be-pitied. Following the 'support' of her friends, Erin was quick to assume the tale of her indescribable angst, with not only herself, but with the fact that she deeply loathed the person she was supposed to love most: her boyfriend.

Idiot. Leon sipped his chocolate milk. 'Love,' 'most' and' boyfriend' are three words that should never appear out of anyone's mouth. Especially that of a highschooler.

This, however, was followed by a trail of jokes to lighten up the atmosphere: "It's sort of ironic that you want to die, and you're eating health food, Erin."; "Wow, you're not even allowed on the internet? As though you're going to walk up to a computer and automatically die."; "You should totally dump your boyfriend. Then we could castrate him without guilt."

Laura eyed her brother with what she thought to be a cute look on her face. "Lemon! Take my tray up!"

"Yeah, Lemon. Mine too." Mary shoved her lunch tray at him.

"Mine too!" Was from Erin.

"And mine!" Was from Kate.

Leon was officially angered. A.) Laura seriously thought the look she was wearing was actually cute – it was not. B.) She called him 'Lemon,' a nickname she seemed to think would make him to anything for her. And C.) He never did anything for them. Ever. Even if they were suicidal. Especially if they were suicidal.

"No."

The girl persisted, trying this time a pout. "Pwease?!"

The pout stabilized Leon's lack of willingness to succumb. "No."

Laura attempted to look hurt, as though she couldn't believe the cruelty of her brother not wanting to take up her and her friend's lunch-trays up for them. "But why?"

She was whining now.

Not wanting to explain himself, Leon mentally sighed. "Because if I leave, I'm afraid you're all going to kill yourselves."

This earned Leon a random giggle to two, nothing more – which was fair.

"That's not funny, you know." Erin looked offended.

Mary dragged her tray back in front of her. "So. Lemon. Have you ever been suicidal?"

Leon recognized the attempt to include him in their conversation. For some reason, although they resented his presence, having an idle body around was not considered 'considerate.' "No. I'm too selfish."

For some reason, this perplexed the girls.

Kate raised a not-so-plucked eyebrow. "That doesn't even make sense."

"Really – suicide is definitely selfish."

Now Leon was confused. "Why?"

"Because you're doing it for yourself; you're not thinking about others, you're only thinking about your own pain, not the pain of those who care for you after you die."

"So suicide by someone who is cared for by no one is still selfish?" Leon inquired. He didn't think this was too strong a retaliation, but just wanted to make sure the girls were strong enough on their position before he continued with his explanation. If he could save words, he would.

Kate nodded. "Suicide is always selfish. Even if it does not affect others, you're killing yourself to ease your own pain. Even if you lived completely alone out in the middle of the woods and had no family members alive – it's still selfish."

"I beg to differ." Leon took one last sip of his chocolate and stole a glance at the wall before he continued on. "Essentially, suicide is removing yourself from your self. It is the ultimate act of selflessness. It's just short of transcendentalism."

After these words, there was a significant silence. Significant, anyways, to convince Leon he had one.

Mary rolled her eyes. "That still doesn't even make sense."

There was general agreement around the table, after which the four girls stood to take their trays up themselves. Leon was pleased with himself.

Suddenly, there was a loud crashing sound from behind Leon, and he habitually shifted his vision one-hundred degrees to the right.

Oh great. A fight.