The First Letter - So Here I am.
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My thoughts are more complex than able to explain, but please, please just let me have the chance to try.
I have to let you know how I feel, and you know me I stumble over words and butcher the spoken language into choppy little half sentences that make little to no sense when I'm nervous. So here I am. I'm putting the pen to paper, I'm just letting it flow. So maybe somehow I can let you finally see how much you mean to me.
I love you, you know that. You're my closest friend I have; and ever have had... but lately thoughts have plagued my mind about maybe I love you a different way.
Your smile, your hair, your laugh and your touch drive me insane. I don't know what it is. I didn't know what would happen if you found out, which is why I didn't really want to tell you. But just the magic that was there when you were around, I loved it so much and the ecstacy of your touch was better than anything. But if you found out...
Worst Case Scenarios filled my mind within seconds about what could happen if you found out. All of a sudden life without my best friend seemed imminant. Then another scenario pushed all the rest out of the way.
What would I do if you liked me back?
Would I find it creepy and not like you anymore instantly? Would you want to actually ask me out? What would I say?
I'm reading this as I write, and I sound so silly. As if you would ask me out; but regardless the scenario was there and it was causing more dilemma than the prospect of losing your friendship.
I suppose I should explain that, I read it again a second time and thought
'oh he won't take offence to that at all . . .'
My psyche, how to explain it. . . It is so complex sometimes I don't understand what I'm thinking. I know that you know that I'm asexual, and although I figure I'll probably grow out of it by my late teens, I am; but I still like you.
I have issues, lord do I have issues.
I push people away, people who jsut care, but I tell them to go away and leave me alone, but all I really want to be is loved. You were there for me, so here I am.
I want for someone to just give me a hug and not let go and actually give a shit that maybe I had a boring day, maybe I had a really crappy day, or maybe, just MAYBE I had a good day. I listen to people bitch and complain about their days and all their problems on my spare time, but when it's me with a problem suddenly they don't have time. The only time people care about me is if THEY want something or if I'm finally in tears in front of them.
My feelings and thoughts are overly powerful and totally scattered, I'm sorry if you can't follow me but I have to tell you even if you can't understand what I mean exactly or why I'm even going through this and telling you.
The feeling of longing, I just wanted you to hold me. Maybe it was just because you were so close to me and I knew you would comfort me, or maybe I really do like you that way I don't know. I feel like I don't know anything anymore.
I hear it all the time, "You two are perfect for each other", " Are you going out with Mark? You really should, you would be cute together".
My imagination should be shot and killed sometimes. Lord help me I would imagine what if we did go out, and as much as I hated it, I liked it. I loved the feeling of love I got from simply imagining us together. That feeling didn't go away, and it was all I could focus on, and I gave in to temptation. I will tell you I thought, and-
And here I am.
Mariel sighed as she closed her book full of letters she knew she'd never send.
How could she tell him? Gavin would never like her the same way, why break a friendship and your own heart for something you can squash with good forcing and a few years? She smirked at that thought, even she knew that was ridiculous.
Mariel and Gavin were best friends, sometimes they seemed inseperable. They did everything together.
Lately, Mariel was avoiding him. It wasn't dead obvious, she still saw him tons, but no where near as much as normal.
"Gavin! Give me my pen back I need to finish my- my english!" Mariel yelled quickly, running after Gavin as he held the black pen in front of him running for the door.
' I'm trying to finish my english, I'm getting better at the fast thinking to cover up my letter writing' Mariel thought happily.
"Give me my PEN!" she yelled, catching up to him and hitting him in the shoulder.
"Ow, fine here's your common office stationary object. Glad it's so precious to you over my ability to MOVE MY ARM" Gavin shouted the last couple words, throwing the pen in the general direction of Mariel and rubbing his shoulder.
As Mariel headed back to her bag, Gavin did his fake glare at her as she walked away and headed to class.
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Second Letter - Sometimes I wish...
I really don't know how to tell you. So I write letters. Compulsively. If you ever read them, I'd probably kill myself. I love you. I can't help it. I do. Eveything about you. Your eyes, your perfect smile, your laugh and everything about your voice and the words that you speak with it, it just enchants me in you.
Sometimes I wish I hadn't met you as a friend first. Sometimes I wish that the scenarios that form in my mind were true, good and bad.
Sometimes I wish you didn't trust me.
Then you wouldn't have told me how you liked her.
Her, the other girl. Not me. Not someone I knew I had a chance against. No, her. The girl I thought was nice, the one who you could probably get easier than you can buy chips at a barbeque but was still one of the nicest girls, and the one who I didn't know if I could ever get you away from.
I could see it in my mind, so clearly.
I'm going to tell you, I'm finally going to tell you. I'm on my way, and then I find you and I'm so happy.
Then I see her, you have your arm around her and she's smiling, she has her hand in your back pocket and then you look at each other and smile, and you kiss her.
Then you turn at me and ask me what I had just said. I tell you that I found out my favourite band was coming to the city and you say awesome, then blush when you realize I'm staring, which in turn makes me look away and blush as well.
I run. You don't notice, but I run. Away, from you and away from her.
But it was just scenario. It wasn't real, but it hurt more than it happening could possibly hurt. Because this happens again and again in so many ways that it feels so real I can barely tell what is real and what is not. If it wasn't for Kyle who knows where I would end up.
Sometimes I wish you were with someone else, right now someone who I also valued as a really good friend. So I could force myself to stop this nonsense, saying "No, he's your best friend's boyfriend."
But I know that if it happened, talking to you would be torture, and so would talking to her. Why lose two friends when you can keep one, and hide the pain and still keep them both.
It wasn't real. I know it wasn't. Still it hurts so much. I almost phoned Kyle to talk to him. He's the only one who knows of my love for you, and even he doesn't know the fathoms of it.
Sometimes I wish he did, sometimes I wish he knew it all. Then I realize no, I really want you to know how deep it consumes me.
It's so deep it's slowly drowning me, killing me. What will I do if I don't tell you? What other scenarios will slowly consume me?
Sometimes I wish that you could just find out on your own. Then maybe, you could save me from myself.
Letter Three - Game of Chosing
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Why should such a pure emotion hurt so much? Love is supposed to be warm, and it's supposed to make you feel good inside and feel like everything is great.
Why does it hurt me so then? There's a quote out there that says:
"Love is like heaven but feels like hell."
Perhaps that's my problem. Though I can't help but know that it's because I don't know what I want.
People normally just have one thing in mind when they like someone. Be that in the bedroom area or just in the holding hands in the park area. I don't know what I want. I don't even know if I really like you all that much sometimes, you're an awesome friend though.
It's so confusing! I know that love you, I always will you're my BEST friend that I have EVER had. But I don't know what I want. I don't know! I don't know! Oh how I wish I knew!
It haunts me, bugs me, holds on to me like a mother protects her child. But this mother isnt soothing, she isn't keeping me safe from harm, this mother is slowly driving me insane, into seclusion. This mother is your deep quiet voice, your warm trusting eyes, the warmth of your touch and everything about you holding onto my memory and plaguing my every move.
I wish I could tell you. I can, I know I can, but I can't at the same time. There's nothing stopping me from telling you, but myself. You're so close, but so far away. There's another quote out there that says:
"The worst way to miss someone is when they're standing right beside you and you know you can't have them."
You're in my reach but across the world at the same time. All that's stopping me is me, why can't I just let myself go?, but I know. Fear of Rejection. We all have it, we all suffer from it.
I could have the most wonderful experience with you if I told you, but I could also have the worst and lose my best friend in the process. If that isn't the hardest decision (next to a mother having to chose one child to live and one child to die) in life, the chance or a life full of love with a caring person who loves you as much as you love them or losing the person you spend all your time with and love so much, then I don't know what is.
How can I decide something like that? How can I chose between solitude or suffering?
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"Hey Mar! Over here!" Gavin shouted, calling Mariel over to the table he was sitting at with Kyle and all of their friends.
Kyle smiled at her with a small wink, when she looked away from Gavin with a slight blush growing on her cheeks, she attempted to give him the "I'm sooo gonna hurt you look" but Gavin was talking again.
"Where the hell have you been? You haven't answered the phone or anything." Gavin said through mouthfuls of food.
"What are you talking about? She answered the phone when I called her just after dinner, she only talked to me for a few before she had to go but Mar was home" Kyle said, not catch the evil glances Mariel was throwing at him, between her meek little smiles when she noticed Gavin was looking at her.
"Kyle..." Mariel said in a sweet voice, though her eyes not leaving Gavin's face, "DROP IT." Kyle surpressing a laugh as she kicked him under the table.
"You were home? I called you like 4 times, how come you didn't pick up?" Gavin asked, still with food in his mouth.
"I was probably... writing..." Mar said quietly, look down.
Her shoes were under the picnic table they sat at. They seemed to have gum on the bottom. The scuffs on the side of the shoes weren't too noticeable, but why she was looking at her shoes was beyond her.
'Gavin is right in front of you. His gorgeous eyes, his handsome smile and beautiful shinning hair... No. Don't look you'll only embarress yourself... but how? You won't all out stare at the guy, but for goodness sakes you're looking at SHOES! They're not even all the great of shoes you've had them for like a YEAR now, and you wear them for going to the gym! Just look at him.'
Not looking up for a second, murmuring about finding things for next class she ran out of the covered eating area like it was a burning building.
'Tell him or don't tell him... I say tell him...'
'I can't... '
'Yes you can...'
' I don't think I can...'
' That's your problem, you can do it if you don't think about the consequences of it... '
' If I don't do it, then I'll have lost out on a chance that I could have never have again...'
" I'll do it. " Mariel said softly as she gave into her thoughts and grabbed her phone and turning on her back and to stare at the ceiling from her bed.
"You'll be my comfort if this doesn't go well. " She told the ceiling, taking a deep breath and slowly dialing Gavin's phone number.
It was so familiar, she had done it a thousand times before; but every number she pressed her fingers got heavier and her breath got shallower.
'No! You can't do this!'
"Yes I can." Mariel said firmly blocking out her thoughts, pressing the last number and hearing the familiar ringing as she took another deep breath and stared at her ceiling.
'Don't be there... Don't be there... I don't want my ceiling to comfort me... Don't be there Gavin... Please don't be there... let me leave a message...-
" Hello? " Gavin's voice rang out, breaking the silence that was in her ear.
"Oh hey Mar, what's up?"
"I kinda have to tell you something... " Mar said softly, not breaking her eyes away from her ceiling for a second.
"Oh no... you're pregnant with Kyle's child and you don't know whether or not to sell your baby or run away to the circus so your unborn child will have an adventurous live."
"... where do you come up with those kinds of things?" she laughed, breaking her gaze to look out the window where it was becoming opaque with rain and ice.
"Only I know, so what d'ya have to tell me?" Gavin chuckled, still thinking of her and Kyle having an illegitimate child.
The line was silent for seconds... almost minutes...
"you know this is really something I should tell you in person... I'll be there in a few." Mariel said, quickly hanging up the phone and sliding her shoes on as she ran out her bedroom door; leaving her book with all the letters she ever wrote on her desk and throwing the pen on the table, grabbing the car keys as she went.
' This is great! You're going to tell him! Oh if only we could get there faster... '
Mariel slowly sped up the car, she had already been doing the speed limit but she had to get there.
'Maybe speeding up isn't too smart... it's pretty slick out there... '
'No! You need to get there! '
'Slow Down. '
"I need to stop thinking..." Mar murmured under her breath, giving her head a slight shake to rid her of her thoughts.
Up ahead was an intersection. Around corner was Gavin's house. Around the other was a vehicle. Slowing down despite her need to get there, she slowly turned down towards Gavin's house.
The rain was getting worse. It was already falling so quickly that you could barely see down three houses. The road was getting icy, and soon it would be snowing. In the SUV coming down the street, Stephen McNickles screeched on his brakes as he saw the car turning the corner. The road was so icy, his tires screeching noisily.
Mariel turn her head around quickly at the sound, the blue SUV was sliding at her with tremendous speed; Stomping on the gas peddle Mariel started to panic, trying to complete the turn. Through the commotion, she turned the wheel the wrong direction and was headed straight for the SUV now.
'It's kinda a midnight blue . . .'
'Well that could just be the rain doing that; it might be a light colour. '
'Rain doesn't change the colour of a car . . .'
'But it does hamper your sight . . .'
"Shut up about the damn COLOUR. . . " Mariel found herself yelling, at herself.
What was wrong with her? She was focused on the colour of the thing that was probably going to seriously maim her.
'Okay. Now try and get your seat belt off. '
'Why would you want to do that? That'll make you fly through the windshield. Leave it on'
'No take it off so you can get out of the car'
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"What the hell was that? ! ? "
Gavin looked up as his mom was running to the door, grabbing her jacket and running outside in her slippers.
"What's going on Mom?" Gavin asked, following her after slipping on his shoes.
"Sounds like a car accident up the road. Joy just called me and said it looked pretty serious." Mom said, throwing open the front gate and running down the street towards the intersection.
"I hope it doesn't slow Mar down," Gavin mumbled, closing the gate behind him and running after his mom.
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'What is that sharp thing I can feel? Why does the rain feel so warm on my skin? '
Mariel opened her eyes as far as she could muster a bare squint. The rough gray and black pavement was cool on her face, and in the distance she could see the deep midnight blue.
'Why do I remember the colour? What had I been looking at? Augh... my head... '
Trying to move her arm to touch her head Mariel heard a scream.
'Was that me...? '
Her hand hadn't moved even though she tried to move it.
'What's... happening... to me...' Muriel?s thought was slow and laboured, her breath getting shallower. Loud voices and foots steps cut through the pounding rain.
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"Mom what happened? Was that Mariel's car?" Gavin frantically asked, as his mom pushed him back into the house.
"Gavin, get inside... I'll talk to you about it later. Gavin- GO to your room!" Gavin's mom finally shouted as she fought her son to the stairs.
"I'll be back in a few, stay in your room. I'll order some pizza for you if I'm gonna be any later." Gavin's mom's voice rang out as the door slammed behind her.
"stay in your room..back in a few... pizza if i'm later..." Gavin mocked his mom as he flung himself on the bed.
"I wonder who that was... It looked so much like Mariel's car." Gavin thought aloud, trying to convince himself it wasn't her car.
Just then, the ambulance siren started and he jumped up just in time to see it zoom past his window, followed by his mom's car.
"goddamnit..." Gavin murmured sitting down on the window seat and staring at the rainy sky.
It was a deep twilight blue, the clouds giving it perfect highlights of black in the right spots, the right amounts of grey. The rain drops were the perfect accent to the most beautiful night sky he had ever seen. The stars peeking out behind cloud, the moon hiding bits of itself behind bits of raincloud, and the homes of the suburbs curled up in their little clumps to keep each other warm. As the rain drops lightly bounced off the windowsill before him, Gavin couldn't help but wonder what was happening to the driver of that car on this beautiful night, and pray for all he could that it wasn't Mariel.
"Hello?" Gavin answered the phone, seeing Mariel's number on the call display.
"oh Hi Mom... what are you doing at Mariel's house? ... no... no she couldn't have... Mom is she gonna be okay?..."