My Insecurity

You called me cold, you called me dead

And my false hatred your accusations fed

But there so many things I've left unsaid

And for once I will speak

With the truth I have for so long refused to seek

I wasn't good enough for you

That was what everything seemed to boil down to

I couldn't let you near

That you couldn't really love me was my fear

And so I shoved you away

Keeping all my feelings at bay

Perhaps you could forgive me if only you knew

Just what my miserable spirit has been through

I know darkness, I know death, I know shame

My faith in all of humanity did these things maim

Tell me how

And tell me now

Can I push these things away?

Can I leave the memories where they lay?

No. Though my scars have faded,

My hunger for peace has not yet been sated

My anger still burns brightly

And even the rightful rage you harbored against me

Added fuel to the fire and my fury's intensity

You were my weakness, the bull's eye on my chest

Be assured I know you did your best

But I couldn't lay my fears to rest

Please, I'm begging you to see

That I just couldn't let another person hurt me

I hate myself for hurting you as I did, for pushing you away

And there is still so much I just can't bring myself to say

Yet, I honestly don't want you back

I'm afraid I've discovered that love is one emotion I lack

I've accepted that I'll always be alone

The thought no longer cuts me down to the bone

I know you've found another

At least we haven't both been smothered

And just as I know my regrets will never cease

Every fiber in my body wishes you both peace

But know now that you are as you were then

Always and forever to me

My insecurity