Bystander
By Nodjmet

I'm not a main character

I watch

I listen

Yet I'm always one of the last to know

But that's only of the group

I can feel tension between people

I don't tell them I know

I know before they do

I know even before they admit it to me

Me before anybody else

Even then, they don't know they're telling me

But I already know

I know of their jealousy

I feel it

I don't need to hear it

It's impossible to see it

But I can predict it

I don't want to

So I hide my dread

I remain silent

Even when I feel hearts shifting

When it's confirmed by sounds

And even more by confessions

I want none of it

I am a bystander

I can't do anything

I want to

I truly, deeply want to

But I can't

They say I won't understand

That I'm too strong to fall to such petty emotions

They're wrong

I'm a victim to jealousy as well

I can just hide it

I don't want to trouble them with my own problems

I don't want them to suffer my flaws

They don't deserve it

They want the same for me

They want me to be happy

Not be troubled by their troubles

They want me to be sheltered from cruelty

It's too late

I suffered before all of you

When was the first time you felt abandoned?

When was it your closest friend?

When did you realize that bond was lost forever?

To someone else?

To someone you knew?

To someone you also loved with your entire being?

Did you feel jealousy?

Real, pure, never-ending jealousy?

I changed, those many years ago

I didn't want to live

I wanted to jump off a building

And I did

But I jumped too far and landed on the soft lawn

I never went to her home again

I haven't been there in years

I didn't want others to suffer as I did

I spread my attention

And lost the title as "Main Character"

Since then I've been a bystander

Watching, listening, waiting

Bystanders don't get attention

Only the main characters do

I want my former title back

Yet at the same time I don't

I want to be in the middle

To have some attention, but not all

To focus all my attention on one person

But I don't

I don't want people hurt

I don't want people to become jealous

I know I won't succeed

I'll never succeed

But at least I'm trying

At least I'm a bystander

That doesn't need to fulfill everyone's thirst for attention

I only need to fulfill a little

Just a little drop

Just a little tiny drop

Just enough so they don't despair

Just enough

Until I fade to the side

And am forgotten once more

I don't expect anybody to change or even attempt to change after reading this. As mentioned in the poem, I can anticipate how most people's hearts function. I've watched people do exactly what the poem's describing countless times, even in my own family, and I don't expect that to change, ever. A lot of people are probably thinking, "Oh, I know exactly how you feel." But do you really? If the scenario of losing your closest friend happened after elementary school, I don't think you do. I really don't think you do.

Or maybe I'm exaggerating. I know I actually have one of the best lives a person could possibly have, but I, like others, have had dark times, and mine happened at an early age. I'm sorry for being so dark.

Nodjmet (Huo) of Flickering Inferno