14My Dad was asleep on the couch when I got inside. He was frowning in his sleep. I tiptoed towards the stairs but something blue caught my eye on the coffee table. Kim's note. I had forgotten all about it. I tiptoed to the living room and picked it up. Did Dad read it? Did it matter?
I guess I wouldn't know until I read it myself. So I went up to my room and climbed into bed. I was tired but I had to read this now. It wasn't like I'd be able to sleep anyway. Thankfully I'd managed to drift a little in Preston's car but it wasn't for very long. Still it was the most sleep I'd had in days.
I opened the enveloped and took out the piece of lined paper. The note was a page long and written in Kim's terrible handwriting.
To Preston:
I'm sitting all alone here in the break room under the yellow lights watching the seconds tick by. I have three more hours left until the end of my shift and them what am I going to do? What if I just jumped into the middle of the road and waited? I want to get hit Preston. I'm so sick of who I am. I have so much to tell you but I just can't when I see you looking at me the way you do. You trust me too much. I can barely write this without seeing that innocent look you always give me. You always give me the benefit of the doubt. Why? What did I ever do to deserve you Preston?
I still remember the first time you came into Val's. Your smile was so cute but I had to pretend not to notice because I know myself too well. I know what I do to people. I just can't help it something. All I can do is babble when I should be telling you the truth for once.
You always knew you weren't my first. I have so many things I should regret. I never cared about saving myself for love. So I didn't. Here I go stalling again. I'm running out of time, my break is almost over.
The truth is Preston, I stopped taking my birth control on purpose. I tried to destroy both our lives on purpose. Everything was going too well. It had to end sometimes so I figured it would be better if I decided when. A baby should be a miracle, that's what everyone says, that's what my mother said. Everyone was so angry with you; it was all your fault they said. You took advantage of me. I never took any blame. My father hated you, he still does. He thinks we broke up.
I'm sorry I lied to you but that's all. I couldn't let anything work; I know what I'm like. I have to sabotage everything good in my life. I'm not finished yet though, there's more. There's always more. I know the only way you'll get this is if I run away or die and someone has to clean out my locker. I don't want you to know these things until I am long gone. I can't face you.
I saw my Mom looking at a baby names book and smiling and I panicked. I'm sick Preston. I have a sick fixati9on on making people hurt more than I do. IO saw everyone accepting it. Accepting our baby and IU realized it had backfired. I was going to be a mother. Don't you get it? I can't even take care of myself. I went upstairs and… I can't even write it. You know what it is I'm trying to say. You were at the hospital. You saw me lying in the bed bruised and shattered. I broke my own resolve and I thought it was bulletproof. You were there when the doctors said I had a miscarriage. They told you I fell down the stairs. And I did, but it was no accident. I had to do it! I couldn't have a baby!
I've always pushed you away and for some reason I always look behind me and you're right there wiring for me to come to my senses. The problem is I have no senses; they evaporated along with my conscience long time ago. I know when you read this you'll come to your senses and I don't want to be around when that happens. All I can say is it won't be because I ran away.
Love Finally,
Kim.
I folded the letter back up and tucked it into the envelope. I always knew my sister was different but I never knew was a murderer. Why couldn't she just act like a normal human being and get an abortion if she didn't want the baby? She threw herself down the stairs so she would have a miscarriage? What kind of person does that? I could barely comprehend what this meant. What was I supposed to do now? Tell my parent? But did my Dad already read it?
The questions whirled around in my brain like a hurricane.
What about Preston? I didn't even know if he read it yet.
I leaned back against he headboard of my bed and sighed. Kim though she was helping us by killing herself? She though we would be better off? Well, we weren't. Everything was falling apart.
I stared at the cordless phone lying on the end of my bed and willed it to ring. Since the wake, the phone had just stopping ringing. It was like people were afraid to come into our world. They were afraid we might drag them down. The only person I'd really spoken to since Kim's death was Preston.
I'd never really noticed how cute he was before. He had shaggy blond hair and deep, dark eyes that I could stare into forever. He was tall, at least six feet and lanky. I knew he wasn't very athletic but he still liked to try.
One time when Kim was feeling especially talkative she told me she had seen a home video of Preston in grade eight. He was on the basketball team doing his best. He could barely dribble the ball down the court without bouncing in off his foot. Kim laughed hysterically just telling me about it I rarely saw her that happy and it was all because of Preston.
Suddenly it felt like someone was watching me. I glanced around my room quickly even though I knew there couldn't possibly be anyone in there with me.
I knew what I was afraid of. Where was Kim now? I was sure she was watching me everyday which meant she must have seen my kiss Preston in his truck only a few hours ago,. I didn't mean for it to happen. I didn't plan it.
"I'm sorry Kim," I said out loud. I must have sounded like a lunatic but for some reason I felt guilty. My sister was gone and I was moving in on her boyfriend. I used to hate it when Kim tried to butt in on my life. She never really cared about me; she only waned to aggravate me. But I was nothing like her. I didn't screw with people's head for kicks.
I had to be at school on less than two hours so I just took a quick shower and changed my clothes. I was hard going into the bathroom where Kim had died but I had no choice, we only had one shower. I knew my Mom was avoiding it like the plague. Her hair looked like one big matted, greasy hat on her head.
This insomnia I had was making everything unbearable. Every second ticked by and whenever I looked at the clock and found only a few minutes had passed I felt like scratching my eyes out. I spent a lot of time string at whatever was in front of me; I think I might actually have fallen asleep with my eyes open a few times.
My Dad was still asleep on the couch when I went downstairs. I tried to be quiet getting a glass of water but the cup slipped out of my hand an shattered in the sink. I flinched before carefully picking up the big pieces of glass.
"Hey," my Dad's voice boomed. I jumped in surprise, cutting my thumb I on a shard of glass. Deep red blood dripped into the sink. I remembered finding out a few years ago and I was the same blood type. I stared at the growing puddle in the sink, thinking Kim and I was almost totally inerter changeable. Maybe I was dead and all this was a dream.
"Deanna, you cut yourself. You should be more careful," Dad's voice brought me back to the land of the living, literally. He pressed a paper towel into my hand and sat down at the table. I held the paper towel against my cut and watched the blood spread over the white fibers.
Blood was hypnotizing now. Why did we need it to stay alive? Why did it matter if we sliced open a major artery?
"How's Mom?" I asked, not turning around.
"Who knows?" he answered.
"Are you going to work?" I asked.
"No," he said.
"Why?" I asked. Our conversation it had been prerecorded and then put together to sound like a mother and daughter talking. Expect It was like we barley knew each other. Well, at least that part was accurate
"Because," he said.
I was tempted to say because why but stopped myself. We already sounded cliché enough without me making a joke. Besides, he'd probably just ignore me an6ywy.
"I have to go to school," I said and started to leave the room.
"Can I have that letter back first?" he said, voice not changing at all.
I stopped. Paused. "No, "I said and walked out the front door.