To all those reading my Line Crossing Ficcie, I'm sorry that I haven't updated recently. I'm not asking for pity or anything, but I'm going through a pretty rough time. I really want to update it, but I don't want to write. It's complicated. I've had two emotional breakdowns, and between them I thought I was okay, but it turns out I'm not. Something's wrong with me, cause after a horrible piano class, I realized that I've just been pretending that everything's okay, and that I had healed. But of course, big wake up call that I'm not. My grades have been slipping, my piano's gone way down and it's torture to play (and I use to love doing it), I loved reading, but I haven't read anything for ages, I love drawing, but I haven't drawn anything for fun. And I especially love writing, but I don't even want to do that. All the things that I used to love doing I've lost interest in.. And then my mom the other day noticed that I wouldn't smile when we were Christmas shopping at the mall. But when she mentioned that, I immediately smiled to appease her. So something is most definitely up. I wrote this poem yesterday when I was sitting outside on my piano teacher's doorstep in the cold. Sorry to angst to everyone out there.

PLEASE NO FLAMERS. I'M UNDER ENOUGH EMOTIONAL STRESS THAT I DON'T NEED CRAP LIKE THAT FLUNG AT ME. IF YOU DON'T LIKE THIS POEM, WHICH YOU PROBABLY WON'T, DON'T LEAVE A REVIEW.

December 18, 2004

Who am I?

Nobody sees the tears I'm crying.

Nobody knows inside I'm dying.

Nobody stops to wipe my tears.

Nobody stops to calm my fears.

I'm just left out in the cold,

Where the darkness is so bold,

And with its claws tears out my heart,

As my life now falls apart.

My deadened shell is what they see,

And everyone thinks it's the real me.

They think my life is glitz and glam,

But truly I don't even know who I am.

I hide my pains so well away,

And think that happiness is here to stay.

But again like with everything I am wrong,

And my life is just an ill-fated song.

My tears are ice upon my cheeks,

And makes me wonder how many weeks,

Must I live in this horrible hell,

Before my life is once again well?

No one sees or hears my pain.

The sun does not shine through the rain.

I hide in darkness from them all,

And wish that time would just stall.

I've got no prince to come and save me,

Wish my problems would just let me be,

They all call themselves a friend,

But even they can't help me mend.

My problem has been me for quite a while,

Hiding behind a fake happy smile.

Reach out for me, help me, I beg you please,

Banish my anger and sorrow, and lift me from my knees.

I'm starting to slip further down,

And in this dark sea I'm the one to drown.

I don't feel like doing anything,

But look to cold and darkness for the comfort they bring.

I cry and reach for help to bring light into my day,

But then I close myself to it, and wish they'd go away.

I don't want your pity, your sympathy or respect.

I only want the space to sink further into neglect.

I know that this isn't good, and frankly I don't care.

But what everyone expects of me is happiness I can't share.

I've taken steps to counter this, to stop me from my slide.

Yet all the same I still want to run away and hide.

I want help, but reject it, if that's confusing enough.

And it's so very daunting that life must be so tough.

I'm so confused, so sad, so mad I want to cry,

Cause I still can't seem to answer, "Who the hell am I?"

That's done. I'm going to try and get myself to write more on Line Crossing, cause it's almost done, but I can't promise anything. All the best to you all.