The Life of Kate

Karen Rose




Top for Amy's b-day


Get flowers for mum to say sorry

Amy has bet me I couldn't write at least ten real entries by the end of our sixth year so that's why I'm doing this. And she wants it dated for proof. So here goes. (Oh and apparently shopping lists don't count – even if they're dated!)

November 10th

I sat my first prelim today and lets just say I think that Mr. Gregg is going to have a cow when he sees it! I heard once (I think it was on Red Dwarf) that if you don't know the answers just write "I am a fish" well lets just say there is a whole school of fishes (is that right fishes? I don't know anyway never mind). I think I also used the phrase "How the hell am I supposed to know." On more than one occasion.

Anyway it's only school. Like I really give a damn what happens.

November 19th

It's Amy and Lucy's 17th birthday in three days so we're all going out for a piss up. Mum's on my back again about doing more work. I wish she'd let up. I'm 17 and I really don't give a damn at the moment. That stupid git John has been annoying me again and I bet he's going to be there. Why Lucy goes out with him I don't know. I don't think that Amy even knows.

I got her a really cool gift and I think she'll love it. Well at least I hope she does. Anyway I have to hand in an essay tomorrow and I actually better do it this time. Amy says that journals are supposed to be all deep and meaningful. Yeah right! I wonder what she'll say when I show her this as proof of our bet! This is about as deep and meaningful as my shopping list.

April 16th

I've never done this seriously before now. But it seems like a good idea so I hope I do this right.

I can feel an impending dread as the time draws near. I find myself so worried about something I know I can do. Or at least I started to make myself think I could do it. But now I'm not so sure.

I feel like a different person. I have for a long time. Every day I go to class, I study and I try my best but it seems that there is nothing I can do for everything just gets harder and harder. I feel it all coming on top of me. There are expectations that I know I will never meet, I can't find the strength within myself to meet them. And the worst part is, they are my own expectations.

I don't really care what other people think about me anymore, except maybe this deep down part of me that longs for my mum, my dad and my Grampa just to accept me for who I am and not want me to be someone else. The person that they think I should be. I've changed so much. But I'm still not this person they want me to be.

What the people at school think doesn't bother me anymore either. I hate their whole aura. That light and essence that is them. I hate who I am when I'm with them, I hate what they've made me become. They too have molded me into this person that they think I am and therefor should be. John is the worst of all. It's that bastard's fault that I am who I am and it's him that I hate the most. It's his opinion that doesn't bother me the most. He started it. He's given me a hard time for months and I hate him for it. But most of all, I hate that I hate him.

I don't know how I'm supposed to do this. I don't think that I can. I have so much to do and only three or four weeks to do it in. I'm nearly eighteen. I should be partying and having a good time but the thought makes me feel sick and I never want to have a good time again. But that's OK because I have all this to worry about, all this work to do instead.

I've fallen behind, in everything and I'm not sure that I'll be able to catch up in time but I have to. I thought I had caught up when I started to work. But I'm just as far behind as I always was. I need these results. My whole life depends on this and what happens in these exams and I'm just supposed to be OK. I'm just supposed to handle it. Well I don't think I can. In fact I know I can't.

April 20th

I have even less time. I just sent away my UCAS form and now all I need is the results. Two A's and a B. At the least. I'm doing three CSYS and that's what I'm supposed to get. I have an unconditional but that's what I need to get. I need to get it because if I don't then I've failed. In my own mind. And when I do that then what's the point in anything?

I also have other responsibilities. I'm directing a play for Christ's sake and I have to get everything sorted. In have to make sure that they all know their lines and I have to organize everything. I have to keep busy. Well I'm certainly doing that. I'm keeping too busy and getting nothing done. I have to keep my mind away from what happened last November, I have to keep busy. But now all I have is too much to do, not nearly enough time to do it in and all I can think about is last November.

April 24th

It's not working. This keep busy thing is fucking up my life. All I ever do is panic. I had to have my English folio finished today and I still have to do half of it. I managed to write what I could and hand something in but I'm not sure how good it is. Now I just have to wait and see.

I still have to catch up for my other two subjects but all I have is lingering thoughts of last November and I don't know how to make them go away. I need to make them stop. I can't get anything done and my friends are starting to notice that something's wrong. I feel something inside that I wish would just go away.

April 30th

I don't know what to do. Whenever I see John he reminds me of it. I wanted to forget it ever happened. He told me I had to forget. His cold black eyes seem to hold not soul. I have to tell someone. But there's no one who I feel I can tell.

Life's a bitch and then you die. Isn't that what they say. Well they're right. They're talking about my life. My life is a bitch and all I have left to do is die. And I hope that happens soon.

My English teacher told me that the best release is to write about something. Even if you put it into a story. Just let it out, it works. Well let's hope so.

It was a November evening. The deep royal blue sky was dotted with sparkling stars. There was a gentle breeze and the orange-yellow glow of the street lamps was dancing on the pavement. It was a beautiful evening that could be remembered for just that reason, because it was beautiful. But it's beauty remains masked by horror and pain.

Looking over the edge of the cliff towards the sea, I try to forget. How I wish I could just be enjoying today. The waves crashing on the rocks below, the cloudy sky, the call of the seagulls and the gentle breeze that is playing with my hair. Once again thoughts pour into my head.

I feel a filthy tingling where his hands were and I shiver. I remember how he grabbed my hair and pulled me to the ground. I try to push the memories away but that only makes them stronger, clearer. I want to stand up and scream as loud as I can. To let the wind carry away the pain, the memories and this thing growing inside me. This thing I don't have the heart to kill nor the strength to keep.

A voice from within cries out, "You'll find the strength." But I try not to listen, I don't want to. I want to curl up into a ball and die. Tears stream down my face. I remember wanting to cry for help but being afraid he'd kill me. Instead I just let tears fall, just as I do now.

Once, I had thought of monsters as serpents or green beings with two heads. But now, now all I can think of is that starry November night and a shadow with cold black eyes, that held no soul.

I want to jump towards the rocks below but I am afraid. I have no one. I am alone. No one knows, no one understands and no one can help. I lie down and weep and I don't know how to stop, I don't want to.

So here it ends. Or so I hope. Mum, I want you to understand I have to do this. I can't live with this and I don't want to. I love you and dad and I want you to know that. Remember me the way I used to be before they changed me. Before that shadow fell upon me. Grampa, I want you to understand that I love you so much but I can't go on.

I wish I could have been the person you all wanted me to be. I wish I could have been the person I wanted me to be.

Aim's it looks like you won our bet.


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