I stare into the darkness that surrounds me.

When I cry out, I cannot be heard.

I am alone and nothing can hurt me;

But the pain I feel is worse than burning in fire.

A thousand knives stabbing me

Could not pierce through the pain I feel.

I don't cry anymore.

Instead, my throat has closed, my eyes have shut,

And my body only twitches

When the convulsions of pain rip through me.

I can't cry because the anguish has become my friend.

Without pain, I am lost.

And yet, I try so hard to make my pain leave me.

I have tried everything I can think of to make me be at peace.

Even as I say that pain is my friend,

I look for a way to escape it.

But the day will not come when my eyes will open;

When a true smile will come to my face;

When my throat will open;

And my face will remain untouched by a tear.

That day will not come

Because I have surrounded myself with pain.

And with that pain, more suffering came to me.

Pain will not leave me because I have made it my sanctuary.

-Laura Ellis (10-13-04)