The Believer

By Froberg

So many questions but only a single answer. I suppose that few will understand why I chose to act as I did that night. You deserve an answer, I'm sure. The lord grants us wisdom to share and I see nothing wrong in giving you the answer you so deserve. You all mourn now, but in due time you will see that it all happened the way the lord wanted. You may hate me now, but rest assured that, when age takes you to saint Peter, you will realize the importance of my actions.

Back when I was just a teen, my parents would yell at me for getting in trouble. Tough for a young girl to stay out of trouble, really. I can smirk at those times now, but back then I began believing in god. This earth couldn't be the real world. So much suffering couldn't create any actual mass. Life was false, I knew it. Somehow, god saw it in his infinite wisdom to test me.

Knowing that life was just a test, it was easy for me to ignore my parents. Being beaten was okay as long as it wasn't my soul that was beaten. It was just my outer body, a worthless shell that I would one day dispose off. I spend my childhood waiting for that day. I couldn't end my life before then, obviously. You can't quit a test before it's over or you won't get the right results.

My little brother, Jack, refused to believe. In fact he considered me quite insane at times. When he turned seven, I bought him a cross. Not an expensive one. I was only ten myself and our parents didn't give us any money. However, Jack would still refuse to believe in our lord. He was unable to understand how any omnipotent lord could let him suffer so.

I told him it was a test. He didn't believe me. Instead, he began hanging out with some of the bigger kids at school. The kids who smoked, the kids who drank. I didn't like his choice, but it wasn't my place to interfere with his test. If he was going to fail, then that was the will of god. I guess that, since I was worried, I really didn't fully understand how fake this world was.

School was only a little better than being home with my parents. A teacher of mine seemed to enjoy telling me what to believe. "The bible contradicts itself," he would say without understanding that it was up to us to find its true meaning. It was all part of the test. If we were just given specific guidelines, then there would be no challenge. It's possible that a person could spend his whole life without breaking any of the rules in the bible. That would be the easy way and the lord would never reward such laziness.

Nobody understood me, it seemed. I had no friends, nor would I ever get any. It seemed that wherever I went, nobody would understand me. Girls would talk of boyfriends without even thinking of the eternal damnation they forced themselves into.

The bible was my friend. I read it as soon as I got home from school. My parents never told me to do my homework. If they had done so, I would have. The bible clearly states that one should always obey one's parents. Nevertheless, my grades were horrible. My life was devoted to god, not to some pathetic institution build in the names of blasphemers and heathens.

When I grew older, desires appeared. I managed to suppress them but they would always be there wanting me to let them out. I realized that this was phase two of the test. It would get a little harder from now on. The idea of marriage formed in my head as I turned fourteen, but I managed to shake it off. This world was full of heathens. I'd gone to church a few times, but the priest had always babbled on about worthless politics.

How could I ever trust that god would let such pathetic creature marry me? Was I willing to put my immortal soul on the line? Heck no. I would suppress these alien urges for my whole life. Men were heathens, women were blasphemers. This whole world had abandoned the lord.

My mother died right before my sixteenth birthday. I went to her funeral and felt only victorious. She was burning in hell and I was still walking towards the gates of heaven. It was obviously a message form the lord. He was proud of me yet wanted to remind me what would happen should I ever abandon the true path. My father stopped hitting us after that. Jack was sad for a while and seemed to sinker deeper into the environment. He would get in trouble for stealing every once in a while.

My father didn't care, it seemed. He went to work every day, got home around seven and fell asleep. It seemed that all feelings had suddenly abandoned him. I tried to tell him about the lord to cheer him up. If he would only follow the true path he could still save his soul. I told him that he didn't have to burn in hell like mother.

He broke down crying and told me that he wanted to be with her. Obviously he didn't understand. The lord was great, yet my father was trashing his infinite wisdom like ordinary garbage. I felt angry than ever before and began yelling at him. I told him to beg for the mercy of Christ. He grew angry too. We were soon screaming at each other. Every time I called mother a slut, he would call me insane. Soon, he was once again beating me. He began ripping my clothes off and calling me names. "I will show you who the slut is," he told me. Fighting back was probably the only sin I'd ever committed. He was my father. I should have done as he wished.

Some time later, I was crying naked in my room. Would this mean that god had abandoned me? How could the lord ever see it in his heart to let one like me into his realm of peace? When I looked at my hands, they seemed dirtier than ever. The room seemed to close in on me. I closed my hands in a prayer and begged for mercy.

Something wonderful happened. I think I saw god. He was standing before me in all his splendour. Although there was nothing physical to see, I could glimpse every wrinkle in his withering face. Every muscle clinging to his bone, every feeling rushing through his veins. When I looked down upon my hands, the red liquid was washing off the dirt.

I felt purified as I saw the tortured spirits of hell. The man with a knife smashed through his throat gagged for forgiveness and cried for mercy. He was given none. The lord does not grant mercy, the lord makes no bargains. The lord is almighty, the lord is flawless. Nothing in this world is a coincidence.

Obviously, Jack was shocked when he got home. I remember him asking me something along the lines of "what have you done?" before calling the cops. It would be a long time before I saw him again. Instead, I went to live with some other girls my age. This was part three of the test.

In a way, they were easier to be with than the ones in the school. I had no parents to tell me what to do any longer, so I was bound only to the commands of the lord. Also, although they were even bigger sinners than the ones in school, they normally left me alone. Well, maybe there would be an occasional teasing every once in a while, but at least they never attempted to make me join them in their heathen rituals. They swore a lot, though.

However, as time flew by, I began feeling trapped. The other girls talked of boys without the slightest hint of being shy. They used words I can't even utter now. Sexual encounters were portrayed in ways only fit for hell itself. Part three of the test was no joke, rest assured of that. My virgin body got older by the day and I had to pray extra hard to keep the heathen fantasies out of my head. It was difficult and at times I felt like giving up. I even caught myself rationalising the situation at times. I would find myself thinking that the lord could forgive my sinning just once.

I always managed to find salvation in my prayers, though. I would frantically read the bible to avoid the constant urge to rationalise. You know what? Although it was difficult, I followed the rules given to me by the lord. My most intimate parts remained untouched except for the occasional toilet paper. My mouth was used for spreading the words of the lord, not for heathen kissing. To help myself stand the test, I would use my own blood to write passages from the bible on the walls of my room. The quick pain I endured cutting myself would be nothing compared to the constant torment in the pits of hell. They would tie me to the bed but I still managed to force the thoughts away by pulling the straps with all my strength. By focusing attention in that direction, the urge seemed more distant.

A lot of things went on outside my new home. Jack eventually got close to dying from an overdose before he decided that "he had to do something with his life before it was wasted." He went to a clinic which replaced his heathen behaviour with different blasphemy. During the many years I was locked away in my home, he got an education, a job and a wife.

My age seemed to no longer matter. Only the lord should have the power of determining how old I was. In either case, I began to grow weary. Having read the bible uncountable times, I felt that I knew all the answers. Urges were temptations send to me by the devil. He was part of the test, you see. The lord takes many shapes to force hardships upon his followers. The devil is just one of his many disguises. It all carries the greatness of our father. Every once in a while, men would force me away from my room to go talk to another man. He would try to make me admit my urges but I resisted every time. My body was washed clean of sin.

But even though decades seemed to pass, I never saw the fourth stage of the test. I saw two possible answers to solve the question of 'why'. First of all, it could be that the third stage was simply a test of endurance. Second, it was possible that I had to do something to tell the lord that I was ready. However, I realized that perhaps I had already passed all the tests. I guess I reached that conclusion one day, as I was looking at the stars. The stars all seemed to be shining on me. Just like the one leading star that had shone on virgin Mary two thousand years ago. I think I cried as I realized why the tests had ended. I was chosen to carry the child of my lord. I caressed my stomach as I slowly imagined myself giving birth to the new king.

My periods would still come. Why wouldn't they? The child of our lord was above stopping things like that. It would be the perfect child. It would convert the blasphemers and make them realize just how great the lord is. He is everywhere and now he was even inside me. The urges seemed farther away as my love for the lord went beyond mortal devotion. He had been inside me and planted the seed that would one day be a child. I got happier by the day and no longer needed to cut myself. Apparently, this made the heathens think that my brother could be allowed to visit me.

He did. Having been married he felt that he was vastly superior. He told me that his two children meant more than anything to him. That they were the 'best children in the whole world'. I didn't say anything. I even made sure that my face revealed no emotions. Inside, my soul hated him. What made his bastard children better than the divine child growing inside of me? To top my anger, he even told me to take god less serious and worry more about my own life. His words kept flowing from the deepest circle of hell until he finally left. I was escorted back to my room. I wanted god to punish him, but it seemed like he refused to do so. My brother was perfectly happy while I, the virgin mother, endured a life of hardships. I comforted myself with the thought of Jack burning in eternal damnation but for some reason it didn't seem enough.

I took the bible and asked the lord, my husband, for guidance as I allowed it to fall to the floor. As it opened itself on a random page, I began reading. Deuteronomy 13. It clearly stated that if a single person tried to convince you into leaving the righteous path, you should kill not only him but the entire village. It should be smothered into smithereens and the building should burn. I'd already read about human sacrifices in the bible and I now realized what my almighty husband had planned.

This was my final test.

I stopped praying and told the men at my home that I no longer believed in the lord. My brother's happiness had convinced me that my way had been false. Instead of trying to achieve eternal life, I would worry about the life that was now. Perhaps I could even get married one day, I told them. They seemed convinced as I mentioned how dearly I wanted a child of my own. My brother came to visit me more often and we had some long talks about what I would do upon being let into the "real" world.

Finally, I was out. Jack had earned quite a lot of money writing about his young years of crime and drugs. He paid for an apartment and gave me a bit of money every once in a while. When I told him how much I feared burglars, he foolishly believed me. He didn't even raise a finger as I began taking shooting lessons.

Getting the guns was easy. As I prepared to go visit my brother, I made sure that I had everything with me. Silencers, bullets and the guns themselves. I placed them in a bag. They would be the arms of my punishing lord. My husband would guide my every bullet.

I never even allowed them to say 'hello'. As soon as they opened the door, I used eight bullets to prevent them from running away. One in every leg seemed to do the trick. The rest was easy. I handed Jack's whore a knife and ordered her to cut off my brother's penis. Seeing that she hesitated, the lord quickly placed a few bullets in the oldest of her children. "You have ten seconds," laughed the lord though my mouth. Then my omnipotent husband and I began counting. The baby in my womb laughed in delight as she finally forced the dull knife through my screaming brother.

Jack was gasping for breath. Annoyed, we shot him. Their happiness was disturbing our almighty marriage. Me, god and our baby. We were a family now. Better than any other out there, really. Nobody should disturb our eternal bliss. Especially not the constant stares from people who thought they were better than us. They all thought that their families were better than mine. They had no reason to do so. They were all lowly animals who deserved getting shot. They all had sex without even thinking of the eternal punishment. "Eat it," we yelled at my earthly brother's widow. "Eat it, or we will kill the last kid!"

She cried but attempted to do as we told her to. She didn't have the strength required to follow the bidding of my husband, though. She threw up within second. I yelled at her telling her to drink the barf but she kept throwing up. In the end, I had to kill both her and the crying child. Such was the fate of the sinners. The more houses I raided, the closer I would get to the lord. I bathed in the cursed blood of the heathens, but god was there to cleanse me.

You see, I'm pure. Every single person in that small town died that night. How many was it? Three hundred? Five? I honestly don't know myself. Moment seemed to melt together as I slit the throat of the sleeping children. Some of them hardly even noticed dying. Most of them only had to spend a few minutes gagging for air before they died. I'm not an evil person. It's the world that is evil. It needed to be cleaned and I took the job. I owed my husband a favour for choosing me. I was the single shimmer of light left in this heathen pit.

So what if you want me to fry in the electric chair? You are in no position to judge me. Only the lord may do so. I belong in heaven and I shall die a martyr. I can see that quite a number of people have showed up to see the electricity release my soul. Weak and incapable of understanding the lord you yell at me now. I think I heard some of you yell 'fry the bitch' earlier. You don't understand. I won't fry. The child inside of me was born that night. When I had finished slaying the blasphemers, I saw god. He was caressing my face and slowly undressing me. I lost my virginity then and the child was born. He turned himself into a bird and flew away to begin his reign.

In the end, I am victorious. You asked me if I had any last words, and now I said them. I'm sorry to keep you waiting, mortals, you shall have your petty revenge now. You all feel superior to me, don't you? I'm going to die in a matter of seconds while you will live on. Believe me, though, I have no regrets. I lived my life as the lord wanted. Had the bible forbidden it, I wouldn't have blinked during any of my thirty five years. Life is a matter of viewpoints. I look at it the right way, while the rest of you think you'll be able to satisfy the lord with simple morals and ethics. There are no such things. So many questions and only a single answer. The answer is god and the questions are despair.

So, yes, roll the switch. You might want to wet the sponge again. I think it went dry as I spoke. While you do so, let me end my speech. There are so many questions out there but only a single answer. When you die, you will find yourself spending eternity surrounded by flames. I, however, will go spend my eternity in my husband's bed. That is my reward.

You can activate the electricity now. I'm ready.