Chapter 3 - If You Havin' Fan Girl Problems I Feel Bad for You Son

So. It's been a while, hasn't it, my brothers? My promises of glorious jubblies and soft caresses lie in the ashes at my feet. The house I built, my friends, has burnt all but to the ground. I am a shattered man, broken in a thousand ways, and reformed into something else. Something better, I think.

That's right, folks, I feel in love.

I won't bore you with the details, but suffice to say that my previous installment I am disgarding. My point here, folks, is that the pursuit of the 'normal girl' is a baseless and inane activity, better left to hustlers, pimps, and 'playas.' Things I have never claimed to be.

In any case, we embark upon our next journey, trusted lads. The hunt for a more exotic, dangerous, and above all, beautiful prey. My brave boys and geekoids, today we go in search of the 'fangirl.'

Now, what is this delightful creature, so vaunted in ancient lore and nerdcore? Simply put, I propose to designate the fangirl simply as 'any geek of the feminine persuasion. That is, any girl who enjoys geekly pursuits such as science fiction, fantasy, and animus.' But why choose these lovely nymphs as our soul target, when other, more bountiful prey frolic about us, here on the Serengeti of Love? The simple reason is, she's better. The long version is that a fangirl, instead of rolling her eyes whenever you bring up your replica Hatori Honzo sword, will instead challenge you to a lightsaber duel at the drop of the hat. While other females paint their nails, she paints Warhammer figurines. Instead of fashion magazines, she reads 'Bitch' and 'Popular Science.' Yes, boys, it's true. You may yet find a girl you can hold a conversation with!

But what of boobage!? What of Hawtness? What of the supermodels we were promised when we all eventually made it rich on 'computers'? Boy, don't make me slap you. None of us are getting rich, first off, and second off, super models are bitches. Don't. Date. Bitches. Third, the fangirl is the ultimate hawtness. She comes in all shapes in all shapes and sizes, from my petite little loli angel of Lilith herself, to the animus lovin' mamacitas, to the curved hip and shapely chest of many a bountiful pirate lass. Or ninja. Whatever floats your boat. …Or katana. I dunno. Plus, she does cosplay. If that shit don't convince you, kindly turn in your Geek Card at the desk behind you. Pick up a football at the kiosk and go have fun with the other douchebags, fucknut.

Okay, everyone still here? Great.

So, how do we begin to find our destined mates? First off, all my previous rules apply. You better be showering daily, kiddo, or no power in the 'verse is gonna get you laid. But how do we find the fangirl? To begin, we must find her in her natural habitat.

Let's start at the comic store. Read shoujo? You better. Or at least some Josei, boya. It has smut in it, so suck it up. Kidding, kidding. You actually don't have to change much about yourself to lure in the fangirl. Bzwuuuuh!? Yeah. As long as you showered and your clothes are clean you'll already be standing out at the old comic stand. Well, not quite. First, the approach. You may be tempted to walk up to her and start deriding whatever it is she's reading, in an effort to impress her with your vastly superior comic-taste. Don't. No one cares about Otherworlds, so shut the fuck up. Instead, listen. A classic opener, once you spot the fangirl in your local comic store (she's the one with the boobs) is:

"Excuse me, is that (insert whatever she's reading) your reading? I was thinking about getting it, what do you think of it?"

Then, simply nod politely and listen carefully while she explains the virtue of CLAMP (just kidding! No one likes CLAMP!). Maybe she'll shoot you down, or not even respond. Suck up the loss. She isn't interested. Maybe you need to lose a couple more pimples, or get your voice to drop an octave or two. If she's friendly (most fangirls are), start up a conversation! Just pretend you're talking to a guy-friend of yours, except without all the constant dick jokes. Just me? Okay, just me. When it looks like things are winding down conversation-wise, hand her your phone number and e-mail, thank her for her advice, make whatever purchases you were going to, and leave. Don't stick around and browse awkwardly. The neat thing about this method is that it's low-stress, low-confrontation, and starts off with a positive impression. Plus, it's local, so better chance of the ever-sought 'hook-up.' Also, this methodology works at any geeky store, be it a video games outlet, animu retailer, or sci-fi book store.

Next up, the con girl. Now, the con girl is kind of like the leveled-up version of the fangirl. Sure, beneath the cute costume she's a regular fangirl and wants to get to know you, but she's in her element now. She's a character in persona. And often times, she's there for the show, not romance. But! There is yet hope! First off, don't approach her when she's talking to someone else, especially a famous mangaka or something, or she'll think your just trying to horn in on her 'squee!' time. A better strategy is to approach her when she's checking out a booth, or browsing freebies. Ask her about her opinions on whatever doo-dad the geek machine put out that the two of you are gawking over, and go from there. If she's in cosplay, compliment it, but don't compliment the wrong things. No con-girl wants to hear 'dayum dat sexy!' (she knows she is, dumbass) but little comments on attention to detail (Oh wow! Is that a Xavier Academy patch! Awesome!) might just win her over. Once again, as things wind down, give her email and phone number. Walk away. If you run into her again, make small talk or just wave.

Next up, we have the easiest and hardest, class. If you're in college or high school, it's pretty easy to spot the fangirls once you start looking for them. Remember, it's not all comics and sci-fi, there's art fangirls, music fangirls, poetry and lit fangirls, theatre fangirls, etc etc. They tend to be reclusive, but remember, these are the ones you don't have to 'close' with right away, that is get their number. Also, school presents a myriad of opportunities to meet and greet these lovelies. Joining clubs parallel to your own geekery will certainly help you track down a couple of these nymphets in more social and defined circumstances. Remember to be polite and kind, ask her opinions, and genuinely listen to her and you too will bag a school fangirl hawtie!

Finally, we have the almighty interwebz. Now, I'm not gonna say the internet's the best place to find love, or even a particularly good one. But, it does have a bigger pool, every geekdom in existence is on it,and the girls tend to be smarter once you get off MySpace and onto fictionpress (that's right, ladies, I'm looking at you). Now I get to speak from personal experience here, but first, a few general 'safety' pointers. Prove your not a pervert, not exactly as soon as you meet someone, but soon. Facebook usually works to prove your age, generally who you are, etc. Ladies (yes, I know your out there), if a guy is acting skeezy on the net, just block. There's plenty of other fish in the sea without settling for the one who won't shut up about yuri or some shit. So guys. Don't be skeezy, but don't lead with '"I'm not a pedophile!" So, how should you lead? Well, most of the time girls who leave their IM's up want to be contacted through it, so give that a try. If she tells you to fuck off, do so. Otherwise, try striking up a conversation in the usual way, common interest, common ground, and plenty of compliments (my fiancée once pointed out to me that the reason she didn't block me was because I kept complimenting her writing). Now, the internet doesn't move quickly (stay away from cybering, believe me) but hey, you might get lucky! At least you'll make some friends of the female persuasion, and isn't that what you're here for?

No, James, We're here to get laid.

Well then fuck y'all. I got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one.