Bill O' Reilly: "Welcome, welcome to the No Spin Zone. We have a lot to get to tonight. We'll also update you on a story that appeared here a few years back. Miffy the Chimp, who once saved a group of school children from being battered with feces at the San Diego Zoo, has made a leap in her career. With an I.Q. of 46, she has gone onto become President of the ACLU. The chimp; they say, is their most intelligent leader yet.
"But before we get to that, we have a very special guest. It was hard, considering he has many demands on his hands. And we pride ourselves in being the first to get our hands on him in the 2004 years since he was born. Give an O'Reilly welcome to our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. Jesus…."
Jesus: "Happy to be here, Bill."
O'Reilly: "There's a lot of questions I'd like to ask here tonight, and God knows that-"
Jesus: "-we can't get to it all in the half-hour time we're allowed."
O'Reilly: "….Thank you. So, you've been keeping watch over the Earth these past 2,000 years. What are your thoughts on some of the things that have happened?"
Jesus: "There's so much to say. There have been so many horrors whose size has gotten out of control…..the Crusades, the Nazis, Barbra Streisand's horn…I have to admit, Bill; it's hard to keep track of it all, even when you're omnipotent."
O'Reilly: "That's understandable. You do have a lot of critics. Anything to say to them? This is your first public appearance in a long time."
Jesus: "Well, I don't have much of a problem with the honest doubters. I mean, if you can't believe something, you just can't, y'know? But then there's this other group that's rabidly anti-me, and anything having to do with religion in general. I mean, give it a rest.
"A lot of my followers (as well as followers of other faiths) hear the same arguments against religion over and over again. They grow tired of it, but for some reason, the anti-religion groups keep pumping out the same material. You'd think after saying the same thing twenty thousand times, the anti-me forces would have convinced themselves by now.
"Some of these guys would see something miraculous occur, and then try to convince themselves they were having a mental episode. In fact, Michael Newdow is getting plastered right now, so he can get up in the morning and tell himself, 'That wasn't Jesus on TV. That was a product of the daiquiri.'"
O'Reilly: "About Newdow, the old sock sniffer….where do you stand on this issue of the pledge?"
Jesus: "It doesn't really matter. I don't need my followers to state that their country is under God…..if they really are, then let them show it. It doesn't make saying the phrase illegal by any means, but if you really believe it, you don't need the pledge to enforce it."
Jesus: "If you really feel your country is under God, you don't need an official pledge to say it."
O'Reilly: "Okay. But speaking of people who fight causes only because they are utterly dead inside, what do you think of Michael Moore? Some people have even suggested that he looks like you. That is, if you didn't shower and weighed a metric ton."Jesus: "Michael Moore, like many who side with him, is angry. He's said on several occasions that he thinks Americans and their country are evil, but there are people who maintain that he's a diehard patriot. Everyone knows that I challenged authority, and I find no problem with it, if you do it honestly. But when you say your movie was made to get the President out, and then you send it overseas where it will only incite further hatred against your country, you're anything but a patriot."
O'Reilly: "Would you mind summing that up in simpler terms?"
Jesus: "I am known for my ability to make a point through comparison. So here it is: Michael Moore loves America as much as he loves proper diet and exercise."
O'Reilly: "We're almost out of time, but we've had another guest come in via his computer cam, live from his parent's basement…..he wants to be called Logical….um, "Reasonable". Logical-Reasonable, how's the weather where you are?"
Logical: "Couldn't tell you Bill, I haven't been outside in while."
O'Reilly: "Oh, that's good. So what would you like to say?"
Logical: "How do we know you're the Jesus from the Bible; which is false, and not just someone brought on to discuss politics?"
Jesus: "I assure you, I'm the genuine article."
Logical: "Then what am I thinking right now?"
Jesus: "'Like, whoa….my hand has so many dimensions….Lionel Richie and Michael Bolton are the greatest performers to ever grace the music industry…'"
Logical: "How in the? Never mind. You're still not real, because anyone who has faith in anything is mental. But my feeling this way doesn't point to my inability to trust anyone…the inability that causes me to write all 304 of my anti-you pieces."
Jesus: "Even if I hadn't come tonight, you would have believed in me. When you were younger, something happened that caused you to distrust everyone and everything, and since then, you've gone on to ridicule anyone who believes differently than you in the name of tolerance.
"You've called people bigots when all they'd done was disagree with a person's actions, all the while harboring hatred against people for their beliefs.
"It's sad, really. Worse than when I let Boston have the Series….I figured I'd give them a break, a loss of the Series and the Presidential Race might have been too much for them. Though I can't say I was too happy with the results myself. But I had to let one of them win. Seeing a third party win is like seeing someone walk on water. It would have been too miraculous, and I have to keep the miracles to a minimum."
O'Reilly: "I'm speechless. Mr. Reasonable, we'll give you the last word."
Logical: "I think I just wet myself."
O'Reilly: "Okay. Thank you, Jesus, for your time. I'll be sending you a signed copy of my book, Who's Looking Out For-"
Jesus: "Don't bother. I already blew away my money on that steaming pile."
O'Reilly: "Well, Lord, you're entitled to your opinion…"
Jesus: "So is your mother, but just because she liked it doesn't make the book any less of a suck fest."
O'Reilly: "Well, I can't argue with you, Jesus. She'd never speak to me again. If there's enough viewer feedback, we may just be giving you a call again. That is, if you don't mind."
Jesus: "Always a pleasure."
O'Reilly: "Thank you all for watching. And remember, we report – you decide."
Jesus: "What honor you're affording your viewers. They actually have some sense of how to pick apart their own sense of right and wrong. Good job."
Disclaimer: All views expressed herein do not belong to Jesus or Bill O'Reilly. Nobody is claiming that these are their actual opinions.