A Meeting with Jesus
Al Franken's show opens, he stands onstage with a microphone.
Franken: "Now I want ya'll to ask yourselves a deep question. Have ya'll been saved? Have ya accepted the Lord into your life? Well we have a guest on here tonight that's done some terrible things…things that the Lord would have damned her for…Ladies and gentlemen, tonight you will witness the salvation of Anne Coulter!"Anne Coulter is brought out in chains, and falls to her knees before Franken.
Franken: "Ms. Coulter, we've heard some horrible things…we've heard rumors of the sins you've committed. Ms. Coulter, ladies and gentlemen, when going to register her party, did so under the Republican party!"
A few women in the audience fall over, horrified. Others cover their children's ears.
Franken: "Ms. Coulter has never even read the Scriptures. And ya'll know what the Lord does to sinners who don't read the Scriptures! Have ya'll read and contemplated the Holy Documents, Ms. Coulter?"
Anne Coulter: "No I haven't…"
Franken: "Clichéd fifteenth century village woman, please come up here."
Dried up old hag runs on stage, spits in Coulter's face and runs off.
Franken: "Thank you Madonna….now, Ms. Coulter, what other sins have you committed against the Lord? Confess thou and he shalt forgivest thee….or something."Coulter: "I voted Republican across the board…I wrote books that promoted conservative ideas…and worst of all: I…I…I mocked Michael Moore."
Franken: "Blasphemy in its worst form, you know."
Coulter: "I'm sorry."
Franken: "Everyone, join me in prayer, so that Ms. Coulter may be forgiven.
"Our Lord, who art probably at Taco Bell, hallowed be thy name. Free us today from all thought, so that we may use thy propaganda to smite thine enemies. We promise to follow what thou sayest, and never question a word. Then, we will call those who disagree with thee, 'sheep'. Thou hast shown us all the light, and will continue to do so…guide us in doing good. Amen."
Crowd: "Hail to you, Lord Michael Moore."
Audience sings a chorus of Ding-Dong the Sin is Gone, then fall to the floor, as a plume of red smoke appears onstage. Jesus walks out of the smoke.
Franken: "JESUS! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?!"
Jesus: "Don't expect me to help you Franken. I'm trying to relax, and George Bush calls me up on the prayer line – I swear to God, he does it one more time he may just be looking at a lightning bolt square in the…anyway, he says you're beating his supporters. So, uh, what's all this about?"
Franken: "We're beating the crap out of Anne Coulter. We had you scheduled to appear next week. Couldn't you have just shown up then? And wasn't Mary supposed to come with you?"
Jesus: "She had an appearance scheduled for a grapefruit today…but why are you beating Anne Coulter?"
Franken: "Well Jesus, she committed sins against the Lord."
Jesus: "What sins are those?"
Franken: "She espoused Republican views. She didn't believe that homosexuality was moral."
Jesus: "Religion and morality aside; why is she not allowed to believe that?"
Franken: "Because it's closed-minded and intolerant."
Jesus: "She wasn't espousing the murder of homosexuals, she simply expressed her disbelief in it, yet you've condemned her. Why is that?"
Franken: "Because she's closed-minded for believing homosexuality is wrong."
Jesus: "Are you closed minded for believing alcoholism is wrong?"
Jesus: "Exactly. Neither of you are propagating the murder of these individuals for things you find immoral. Love the sinner and hate the sin, they say."
Franken: "Do you love Hitler and hate Fascism, Jesus?"
Jesus: "There's a difference between Fascism and homosexuality. No one can love a murderer like Hitler. You can love an alcoholic and hate his alcoholism…in the same way you can love a person who is homosexual, but not encourage homosexuality."
Franken: "But she's still intolerant. She's telling other people their beliefs are immoral."
Jesus: "You're doing the same. You're telling her that her beliefs about homosexuality are wrong. You're both intolerant, and both should admit it. Ms. Coulter's side frequently does. It's time you do, Al."
Franken: "I'm sorry."
A rabid twelve year old runs in from backstage, foaming at the mouth.
Jesus: "Conservative121, I knew you'd show up sometime."
Conservative121: "The only time you hear from he is when I've escaped from St. Clara's. I saw this on TV and I had to come down to stop them! They're trying to take over the world with their agenda!"
Jesus: "That may be true, Conservative, but have you even thought that, if you want to make an argument, you should back it up?"
Conservative121: "Thinking's not one of my strong suits."
Jesus: "Okay. If you make a point, try not to sound like you're yelling. That's first. Second, don't say 'They're evil' without backing it up. Your arguments sound like half-assed opinions you regurgitated from O'Reilly's latest book, without ever thinking it over."
Franken: "Typical Republican."
Jesus: "You too. You people spout Moore's words over and over again. He says Bush's war is for oil, and you follow it without ever thinking, 'Hey, the gas prices aren't twenty-five cents a gallon,' or 'Even if the war is for oil, my ass is benefiting because every ounce of my lifestyle depends on oil'.
"If you're views align with other Republicans or Democrats, fine. If you come across an argument that sounds right to you, use it, but only after you re-examine it. Moore's followers and a few of those on the Right seem to have forgotten that."
Franken: "Jesus, you make the most sense I've ever heard."
Jesus: "And you wonder why there are two billion Christians? I haven't preached that much in two thousand years. Now everyone, I want you to go home. Stop listening to Michael Moore. He's a fat, steaming turd."
The audience clears out, while Anne Coulter is released and walks off, dragging a knocked out Conservative121.
Franken: "Well, we've given up our religion. What's my show going to be about now?"
Jesus: "Who knows? You, Al Franken, may just need to develop some creativity, not having books called 'Lying Liars'. Good night, Al."
Franken: "Good night Jesus."