My Fix

The fleshy part of my wrist

Skinny and slight and swollen red

Banging it against chair legs

Pinching and tearing the skin

With my long flaky fingernails

Do you have any idea how much it costs me?

This endless minimalist abuse

A few swollen veins, no red hot relief

Just dull bruise upon dull bruise

I can't concentrate I can't think

Constantly nagging the back of my mind

There is no reason there is no excuse

Just the only true thing I know

I want to cut I need to cut

Bursting and urgent and desperate

You look at me, like I just kicked you

Big eyes, pathetic puppy dog

I feel so guilty; what did I do?

Do you have any idea how much this hurts?

I'm a junkie; I'm just a junkie

I need my fix how can you deny me?

My supplier lies beside my thighs

A razor, a safety pin, a carving knife

Anything will do, I am a junkie

I am surrounded by my heroin

Constantly only one thing in my mind

I am Tantalus

Doomed to grasp for some relief

Standing in front of my sibilant blade

A chase without a match

I am just a junkie holding a fix

I am a junkie without needles

Grasping for my grapes

Imprisoned in their sphere of half light

Not so very far above me

Can't you see how I'm just trying to stay alive?

You've caged me

Even Tantalus was allowed to be unhappy