1.21.05

Almost

I came close to crying last night. Indeed a few tears spilled over. It wasn't big and it couldn't be called a break-through because it wasn't for the reason I should have been crying. I was crying for Bob, my dear sweet Bob whom I may never see again. That's just fine and dandy. I was looking forward to seeing him last night in hopes of finding strength to push Brian away. I haven't seen Bob in a month. I asked Amanda and she sprung it on me that he changed churches. It was such a blow I felt my heart break in two. Even recollecting it now I feel short of breath as if I've been struck. Amanda said she was told he has friends at his new church. Second blow. There was a time Bob said I was his best friend. I guess I'm nothing now. At first I was sad. I got over it pretty soon, in part for the sake of Amanda who said she cried her eyes out when she was informed. I pushed it aside and said I was okay, I don't care, and he can do whatever he wants. I even managed to get a little angry at him and make a show of it. Now I'm just sad. My dear sweet Bob. The love of my life. My best friend. After all, and he doesn't care. Now I know I should just go to Brian and let him kiss my pain away, but he can't. The pain is in my heart. Chan puad jai. Brian can't kiss my heart, he has no connection to my heart. Bob was the only one with the ability to kiss my heart. Indeed my heart was the only part of me he ever kissed, ever tried to kiss. I'm afraid to go to Brian. I'm afraid I'll cry and he won't understand, can't understand. I can just picture it. He'll kiss me and hug me and inquire what's wrong and I'll only cry more and won't be able to tell him… on the other hand, I might be underestimating my strength. This new inability to really cry may be helpful. I still don't want to see him though. I'm expected to go to his house tonight. His family will of course be there. They call me baby, and darling and such and they'll be looking at me, scrutinizing of course. I want to stay home and mourn….