6Heroism
Cast
CITIZEN. (male or female)Totally helpless.
The Unbelievable DECEPTRO(male or Deceptra if female). The Incompetent Villain.
The Improbable UBERMAN (male). The Incompetent Hero.
Setting.
Outside in the streets, on the sidewalk. Extras may or may not walk by, there may or may not be stop signs or fire hydrants or whathaveyou. Nothing terribly specific.
Curtain up on CITIZEN. He stands around looking at his watch, as if waiting for something. He reads a newspaper.
CITIZEN: (acts casual while waiting for something)
Enter DECEPTRO. He should bound in, as if he were landing from flight, although he can't fly.
DECEPTRO: MWAHAHAHAHA! I have you now! If trying to escape is your plan, it should be your plan no longer! I have cut off all available exits! Cower! Cower, you fool!
CITIZEN: (doesn't notice DECEPTRO at all, keeps waiting for whatever)
DECEPTRO: (looks annoyed that he is striking very little fear into CITIZEN. He marches back where he came from in a huff)
Enter DECEPTRO. He should bound in with more flair this time, and do one of those action-hero somersault things upon landing.
DECEPTRO: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA! Surrender, CITIZEN! The odds are against your survival! Make peace with your gods, and prepare yourself for the great beyond!
CITIZEN: (casually looks over to DECEPTRO, shrugs, and continues his 'waiting' actions and newspapering)
DECEPTRO: (becomes pensive, and seems to be going over his entrance in his head to make sure he wasn't screwing anything up, he slowly makes his way back to where he entered from)
Enter DECEPTRO. He should try too hard to bound, slip, and fall flat on his back, scramble up to his feet and run back offstage. He should bound in and do the somersault thingy again.
DECEPTRO: (is about to burst into his evil laugh but then stops himself. He tiptoes his way to CITIZEN and crouches behind him, he then springs up, arms raised, and delivers his line) MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA- (he should try to carry the laugh too long and wind up in a brief coughing fit, clear his throat, and get on with it.) At last! You are now mine, CITIZEN! Resistance will result in your death! Bow before your new master; bow before the Unbelievable DECEPTRO!
CITIZEN: (is startled to the point of falling over; his newspaper flies all over the place. During DECEPTRO's little spiel, CITIZEN should go and try to pick up his newspaper, DECEPTRO should walk forward and wind up standing on one of the pieces, around the time he gets to "Bow Before" CITIZEN should be on his hands and knees trying to get the paper that DECEPTRO is standing on. Most of the newspaper should be left on the ground)
CITIZEN: Excuse me, sir, would you mind moving? You're standing on my paper.
DECEPTRO: Silence! You pathetic pedestrian! I have killed people for less offense than that!
CITIZEN: (ignoring him) Yeah, that's great, I just want my paper.
DECEPTRO: Enough! Your sassy mouth will be your downfall, cretin!
CITIZEN: (annoyed, trying to patronize DECEPTRO) Oh no! Please DECEPTRO, please, have mercy on me.
DECEPTRO: Pleading is futile!
CITIZEN: (sighs in frustration, looks up at DECEPTRO, then at the paper, he yanks the paper out and DECEPTRO falls down) Thank you.
DECEPTRO: Imbecile! Have you any idea who I am?
CITIZEN: Yes, you're Decep-
DECEPTRO: (enraged, cuts off CITIZEN) I AM THE UNBELIEVABLE DECEPTRO! I am the master of malice, the king of cruelty, the duke of dastardliness, the sultan of sin, the boss of bad, the prince of perniciousness! None dare defy me! None, lest of course they be fools; fools or blind, deaf people who have never heard of me! How dare you think yourself worthy of uttering my name! Now, CITIZEN, I look forward to your screams of pain! Ready yourself for the abyss!
Enter UBERMAN. He should bound in and slip on some newspaper and fall flat on his back. He should get up and scramble back offstage and bound back on a second time, but much more cautiously. Once he lands he should cross to in between DECEPTRO and CITIZEN, as though to shield the latter.
UBERMAN: SLOWER, DECEPTRO!
DECEPTRO: What?
CITIZEN: (whispers something into UBERMAN's ear, UBERMAN nods)
UBERMAN: NOT SO FAST, DECEPTRO! (Looks back to CITIZEN for affirmation, CITIZEN gives him the thumbs up)
DECEPTRO: Mwahaha! What folly is this? What costumed fool presents himself before me?
UBERMAN: It is I! The Improbable UBERMAN! I am the master of the moral, the king of kindness, the duke of do-good, the sultan of splendidness, the boss of benevolence, the prince of purity! I am here to put an end to your days of darkness and your reign of wrongdoing; to bring closure to your empire of evil and your administration of the abominable!
DECEPTRO: Your comedy routine is of no amusement to me UBERMAN! Soon this city will be mine, and there is nothing you can do to stop me!
(During all of this CITIZEN should lose interest and go pick up his newspaper and resume waiting)
UBERMAN: This is not a joke DECEPTRO! I will collapse your kingdom of corruption! Your diabolical dominion will soon be defeated! I, UBERMAN, will vanquish your village of villainy!
DECEPTRO: Not so, do-gooder! I, DECEPTRO, will now crush your crusade of kindness! I will terminate your toil for truth! I will make mincemeat of your mission for moral uprightness! I will lobotomize your labor for lawfulness!
UBERMAN: Your overconfidence is your weakness, DECEPTRO! I, UBERMAN, will fight your functions of foulness! I will eradicate your establishments of evil! I will mangle your ministry of malice, madness, and misery! Your organization of odiousness will soon be overthrown!
DECEPTRO: Only in your dreams, UBERMAN! For I, DECEPTRO, will compromise your quest for congeniality! I will obliterate your obligation to honor! I will-
CITIZEN: (rage) Will you two SHUT UP!?
UBERMAN: (sheepish) Oh, sorry…
CITIZEN: (still rage) What the heck is wrong with you two? Do you have any idea how moronic you sound!
DECEPTRO: Silence!
CITIZEN: No!
DECEPTRO: (a bit taken off balance by the direct defiance, tries to search for some manner of rebuttal) Uhh…silence!
CITIZEN: (ignoring it) I've stood here listening to you to babbling on about absolute nonsense for long enough! If you two don't cut it out, I'm going to call the cops, (brief look of confusion because calling the cops really won't get anybody to shut up, but it sort of sounded good when he said it, the look of confusion shouldn't be too drawn out or obvious, just subtle enough for the more astute audience members to catch up on the brilliance of my scripting) so shut up. Honestly…
(DECEPTRO should look annoyed during this next bit)
UBERMAN: I am terribly sorry CITIZEN, I merely got caught up in the moment. I haven't been out crime fighting in quite a while, you see, my Ubermobile broke down, and I couldn't get out.
CITIZEN: (realizing he may have overreacted) It's all right, I've just had a long day. I just want to get home.
UBERMAN: Is that it? I could fly you home!
CITIZEN: Fly? What, you got a plane around here or something?
UBERMAN: Ha! Ha! Ha! No, not by plane, by my own superpowered body!
CITIZEN: You can fly?
DECEPTRO: You can fly?
UBERMAN: Ha! Ha! Ha! Of course I can fly!
CITIZEN: Wait, you said you hadn't been crime-fighting in a while…
UBERMAN: Yeah, my Ubermobile broke down.
CITIZEN: Why do you have an Ubermobile? You can fly everywhere.
UBERMAN: I don't know, I kind of like driving. But flying's good too. Watch! (he bounds offstage)
(CITIZEN, DECEPTRO, and any worthless pedestrians you have walking around should stop and look up into the sky, their heads and attention should move in synch so as to make it look like UBERMAN is flying high above them whilst they watch. UBERMAN should bound back on as though landing from flight)
UBERMAN: You see?
CITIZEN: Incredible.
UBERMAN: No. The Incredible Hulk is incredible. I'm UBERMAN.
CITIZEN: Fine then, amazing.
UBERMAN: (shakes his head) No, that one's Spider-man.
CITIZEN: (thinks) Uncanny?
UBERMAN: X-Men.
CITIZEN: Fantastic?
UBERMAN: Fantastic Four.
CITIZEN: Unbelievable?
DECEPTRO: Mine.
CITIZEN: What then?
UBERMAN: (a little embarrassed) Um, improbable.
CITIZEN: Improbable?
(DECEPTRO stifles a laugh)
CITIZEN: The Improbable UBERMAN?
(DECEPTRO lets go and laughs pretty hard)
DECEPTRO: Improbable!? That's the silliest sounding superhero pseudonym I've yet heard.
(UBERMAN puts on a look of persecution)
CITIZEN: You couldn't think of anything better than Improbable?
UBERMAN: (hurt) Hey; I'm a superhero, not a genius.
DECEPTRO: Truer words were nary spoken.
CITIZEN: (consoling UBERMAN) Yeah, but at least you got that superpower thing going for you.
UBERMAN: I guess so.
CITIZEN: What other powers do you have?
UBERMAN: (speech has obviously been done before) I, the IMPROBABLE UBERMAN, have MANY superpowers! I possess immense strength and speed, I can see great distances and fly to great heights, I also possess the mysterious 'X'-Power, which allows me to perform immensely improbable feats only imaginable in the most inebriated of imaginations! My will is made of iron, and my morals of stainless steel. Justice is my ally and truth is my friend. All evil doth shudder at the mention of my name: THE IMPROBABLE UUUUUBEEERRRRRMAAAAAAAN!
(CITIZEN and UBERMAN look over at DECEPTRO)
UBERMAN: Ahem, all e-vil doth shud-der at the mention of my name: THE IMPROBABLE UUUUUUBEEERRRRMAAAAAAAAAN!
DECEPTRO: (sighs annoyedly and forces himself to quake in minor terror)
UBERMAN: (smiles contentedly)
DECEPTRO: Enough! I am tired of standing around while this great bumbling baboon boasts and brags of his abilities! I, DECEPTRO, have come to capture that (points) CITIZEN in the hopes of taking over the world! Mwahahahahahaha!
CITIZEN: (Undaunted) How do you intend to do that? UBERMAN has got superpowers, there is no way you could beat him, and you're scrawny.
DECEPTRO: (offended) What!? You think UBERMAN is the only superhuman in your presence?
CITIZEN: (Daunted) Uhh, not anymore, really, no…
DECEPTRO: Silence! I am the Unbelievable DECEPTRO!
UBERMAN: I DON'T BELIEVE YOU!
(DECEPTRO and CITIZEN look at UBERMAN confusedly)
UBERMAN: Heh, uh, because he's unbelievable, I don't believe him…
(DECEPTRO and CITIZEN look at UBERMAN unimpressedly)
UBERMAN: It's a joke.
(DECEPTRO and CITIZEN look at UBERMAN as though he had just told a bad joke because he has)
UBERMAN: Ah, forget it.
DECEPTRO: As I was saying…I am the UNBELIEVABLE DECEPTRO! In the land of evil, none are more revered for being evil than I am! My power is so monumental that none question my dominance! My evil might comes from my one nonpareil superpower!
UBERMAN: Ha! He's only got one!
DECEPTRO: (annoyed) My unparalleled superpower is the unfailing ability to make people believe whatever I tell them; the ability to tell lies as ridiculous as I please and have them received as the gospel truth!
CITIZEN: That doesn't seem all that good.
DECEPTRO: (places both hands on his head and directs his powers at UBERMAN) My power seems freaking awesome!
UBERMAN: I think his power seems freaking awesome!
CITIZEN: Whoa, that actually is pretty cool.
DECEPTRO: (evil laugh) I know.
CITIZEN: But still, if UBERMAN punched you, you pretty much would be screwed, huh?
DECEPTRO: (places both hands back on his head, directs his powers to UBERMAN) Probably not!
UBERMAN: I don't really think so. It probably wouldn't do anything. His power seems freaking awesome.
CITIZEN: You've got this all figured out, don't you?
DECEPTRO: Of course I do. Unlike superheroes, it is quite common for a Super villain to be a genius.
(awkward pause)
CITIZEN: Now what?
UBERMAN: I probably can't hurt this guy; his power seems freaking awesome!
DECEPTRO: (ignoring UBERMAN) Oh right. Now I will capture you, CITIZEN, and take over the world! Mwahahahahahaha!
CITIZEN: What do you need me for?
UBERMAN: Yeah! What do you need him for?
DECEPTRO: Fools! Isn't it obvious!?
CITIZEN: It obviously isn't obvious, because if it were obvious I wouldn't have asked you.
UBERMAN: Obviously.
DECEPTRO: Are you mocking me? I will not stand for this! I will grind your skull into powder and dissolve it in water and feed it to him! (points at UBERMAN) Then I will grind HIS skull into powder and dissolve IT into water and feed it to…uh…feed it to…uh…hmm. I suppose I'm the only other person here, but I really don't want to drink your skulls. Now let's see…(trails off mumbling to himself)
CITIZEN: Are you always this cranky? Seriously, I don't think you have ever said something where you weren't yelling, threatening, hurling insults, or boasting about your stupid power.
UBERMAN: CAREFUL CITIZEN! His power seems freaking awesome! And I probably can't hurt him!
DECEPTRO: Hahahah. Watch your mouth, CITIZEN, I could kill you at any second, and UBERMAN is convinced that my power-
UBERMAN: -is freaking awesome-
DECEPTRO: - and will do nothing to try and stop me because he probably-
UBERMAN: -can't hurt him.
CITIZEN: (frustrated)
DECEPTRO: Now, as I was saying, I will now capture you and use you to take over the world.
CITIZEN: I still don't understand why it has to be me.
DECEPTRO: It's very simple. Once I have you, I will take you back to my secret hideout and place you on a crude looking operating table in a dark room with domed walls. I will strap you down to it and place a whole bunch of wires on you and give you this funny helmet, which looks like a metal mixing-bowl that I strapped to your chin. Then I will build a whole bunch of metal pillars with large electrically charged balls on top of them. I will then plug these pillars in so that they produce a whole bunch of blinking lights and so that bolts of electricity can be seen between each of those big balls I mentioned. Then I will construct my doomsday device! This device will look like an inconveniently enormous and unnecessarily complex computer that covers one of the room's walls from corner to corner. This doomsday device will be covered in blinking lights and little gauges, which look like they might measure some sort of power, and these gauges will always be reading that I have full power. There will be a massive monitor which will display big countdown numbers and that uses words like "initiation" and "sequence" and "impending" as often as it can. And the computer will be hooked up to some sort of sound system, which responds to my voice. Through this, I will be able to issue vocal commands to my doomsday computer, rendering the thousands of buttons and dials on it completely useless! And the voice of the doomsday device will sound like some sort of female librarian and it will randomly make beeping noises when it is carrying out the commands that I issue. And then, when I have completed all these steps, I will have a means to TAKE OVER THE WORLD! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
UBERMAN: (defeated) We're doomed…
DECEPTRO: That's right, UBERMAN, my plan is foolproof! And now that you are out of the way, there is nobody who can stop me!
CITIZEN: That's what you think.
DECEPTRO: Don't tell me YOU have superpowers…
CITIZEN: No, I don't have superpowers, it's just that your plan could never work.
DECEPTRO: I spent years devising this master scheme; years! And you think that your inferior mind can find a flaw in it after having just heard it? I like to think that I tell pretty impressive lies, but you, CITIZEN, may have just bested me.
CITIZEN: You said you would take me to a large domed room right?
DECEPTRO: Correct.
CITIZEN: And you also said that your doomsday device would cover up one of the room's walls "from corner to corner" did you not?
DECEPTRO: I did.
CITIZEN: A domed room has only one wall, and it has no corners.
DECEPTRO: (gasps in pain and astonishment)
CITIZEN: (grins smugly)
UBERMAN: HA! Your diabolical design for a doomsday device has been definitively decimated by a mere denizen of this district who is devoid of any distinct dynamism, DECEPTRO!
DECEPTRO: (he should be shaking with hatred) YOU! (points to CITIZEN) I'LL KILL YOU! I'LL USE MY POWERS TO CONVINCE YOU THAT YOU ARE DEAD! (he slowly and deliberately raises his hands to his head)
CITIZEN: Plug your ears, UBERMAN! (UBERMAN and CITIZEN put their fingers in their ears)
DECEPTRO: (hands on head directing powers at CITIZEN and UBERMAN) YOU'RE BOTH DEEEEEAAAAAAADDD!
(CITIZEN and UBERMAN look at each other, and back at DECEPTRO, and shrug, and then take their hands out of their ears)
DECEPTRO: It didn't work?!
UBERMAN: I find that difficult to believe, for two reasons. A) You're unbelievable (suppresses a chuckle). And B) your powers seem freaking awesome.
CITIZEN: Quick, UBERMAN! Go punch DECEPTRO with your super-strength!
UBERMAN: I probably won't hurt him.
CITIZEN: That doesn't matter. You defy probability! It's part of your 'X'-Power!
UBERMAN: You're right! (gathers self) THE IMPROBABLE UBERMAN, TO THE RESCUUUEEE!
(DECEPTRO falls over as though hit by somebody very hard)
CITIZEN: What happened?
UBERMAN: I hit him. Hard.
CITIZEN: I didn't see anything.
UBERMAN: Superspeed.
CITIZEN: Oh, well I had kind of been looking forward to actually seeing it.
UBERMAN: Sorry about that. I'd punch him again, but it probably wouldn't hurt him.
CITIZEN: (sighs at UBERMAN's stupidity) You're unbelievable.
UBERMAN: (looks confusedly at CITIZEN and points to DECEPTRO's fallen body)
CITIZEN: FINE. You're Improbable.
UBERMAN: Yes. Yes, indeed I am. Well, CITIZEN, I must be off. There is more crime for me to fight. There is no end to the amount of injustice that may be happening right now, I've got to go and stop it. I've got to go lick any latent larceny before it can come to pass. I've got to flatten all felons before their foul schemes come to fruition. I have to pulverize any potential perpetration before it can properly pronounce itself. It is my sworn duty to erase any errant efforts of evil before they can be executed. I must lash out at litterbugs, and trounce all the tree killers! I need to bash all the baddies and thrash all the thugs! I will cream all the crooks and rock all the robbers! I will rough up the ruffians and beat the black market black and blue! I'll punch all the pirates and kick all the criminals! I'll vanquish every vandal and maul every murderer! I'll crunch every killer and crash every kidnapper! I'll combust every carjacker and punish all the perjurers. I'll eradicate every embezzler and mangle every menace. I'll squander every serial killer and remove every rapist. I'll even beat up a lawyer or two! I'll decapitate every drug dealer and beat down every bad guy! I'll frighten every fraud and pound every prankster. I'll sock every Super villain and tackle every tax-dodger! I'll hound every hoodlum and ground every gangster! I'll-
CITIZEN: STOP! Just stop.
UBERMAN: Stop what?
CITIZEN: You just stand there alliterating; it's a little bit annoying.
UBERMAN: Oh, really?
CITIZEN: Yes, really.
UBERMAN: I find it kind of fun. Makes me feel very important. Maybe it wouldn't bother you so much if you tried it out yourself. I think you might enjoy it.
CITIZEN: I don't think so.
UBERMAN: Oh, come on! You'll feel great!
CITIZEN: But I don't have any superpowers to brag about…
UBERMAN: That's okay, just talk about what you do. What's your job?
CITIZEN: Well, I'm a Doctor.
UBERMAN: Well that one's easy. Here, let me show you. (clears throat) You, the UPSTANDING CITIZEN, have defeated yet another vile and villainous, violent and virulent virus! Not even the most terrible tummy-ache can topple your titanic tower of tetanus trouncing, typhoid trumping, tuberculosis tackling talents!
CITIZEN: No, it's still annoying.
UBERMAN: Oh.
CITIZEN: Yeah.
UBERMAN: That's funny because DECEPTRO over there really seemed to enjoy it too.
CITIZEN: Well maybe it's a superpower thing.
UBERMAN: Yeah, that's probably it.
(awkward pause)
UBERMAN: So, um, you want to go get lunch?
CITIZEN: With you?
UBERMAN: Well, I did just save your life…
CITIZEN: (hesitant) I suppose, but do you think you could change into something a little less, I don't know, flamboyant?
UBERMAN: (shocked) WHAT? But if I dress up in my normal clothes then you would know my secret identity.
CITIZEN: Oh, right. Secret identity.
UBERMAN: So, no then?
CITIZEN: (thinks hard)
UBERMAN: Oh come on! I saved your life! The least you could do is take me to lunch.
CITIZEN: Fine, if you pay for it.
UBERMAN: Pay for it? With what? Superheroes don't get paid, that's why we need secret identities.
CITIZEN: Right, right; secret identities.
UBERMAN: I saved your life; give me a break.
CITIZEN: Wait a second. I'm a doctor, I save peoples' lives all the time and I don't ask for a free lunch from each one of them.
UBERMAN: What's your point?
CITIZEN: Just because you save somebody's life doesn't mean you have to get them lunch.
UBERMAN: Oh. So we're not going to lunch.
CITIZEN: No. Sorry.
UBERMAN: (disappointed) Oh, well, okay then.
CITIZEN: Okay.
UBERMAN: I guess I'll be going then.
CITIZEN: Fly safe.
(UBERMAN bounds off stage and CITIZEN's gaze follows him up, up, and away)
(CITIZEN gathers up his newspaper and begins to read again)
Fin.