You already know but this is how it is. I screwed my life up and it's on my own head. Before I came to You two years ago my life was screwed up but it had taken me fourteen years to screw it up and it wasn't all my fault. It was the circumstances that had come upon me the day I was born. Now, since you've already given me new life, I have no one to blame but me. The sad part is it only took me a day. Three weeks later, my entire life is lying in shambles around my feet.
I thought I was strong in You, able to face the temptation. I should have noticed all the little signs that proved I wasn't, but I didn't. Aaah, the beauty of hindsight. The devil knew my weakness. After sixteen years of studying my life, he recognized the place where his arrows would pierce my armor, and went for it. "Ready, aim, FIRE!" I am a fallen soldier, Father. I was unworthy to fight for my King in this spiritual battle. Though I should be exiled, I still come to You, and talk to You one on one, and You allow it. I am so thankful. This is what keeps me sane as I become more and more involved with a man You never intended me to be involved with, as the soul tie between me and the devil's pawn becomes stronger and we talk of marriage and children and already it seems as if we're living together.
I read Your Word and feel the sting of Your holy conviction, and I count the cost. That is what I deserve. I thank You for the pain. I realize that if I don't stop now, everything will be taken from me. I will mourn, but I can't blame You for being Just. That is Your very nature. I fear You will take Brian from me. Then I will be truly lost and will have destroyed my life for nothing, but I will survive, if only for the fact that there is nothing else to do. I know I have a long life yet unless You decide to strike me dead. And if I go to hell, so I go to hell.
Lord, I pray now. I pray my family will come to know You despite my broken testimony. Oh that my children would know You and accept You God. And though I have forsaken Your calling on my life I plead that You would send someone in my place for the sake of the billions of people who are lost. I have sinned and seek no absolution. I have no right to ask You for anything, except I ask in the name of Jesus and not for myself. I ask for their sake. I feel so broken-hearted when I think of the people. I know it was to be my task to go forth into the nations to proclaim Your love, peace, and majesty. I took the scripture out of Isaiah into myself and made it mine, my vision. Somehow I lost it God. I'm so sorry. So I beg You to send another to bind up the broken-hearted…
I know You will comply simply because of Your love for them and Your desire to be with them and bless them. I thank You for that.
Despite my situation Lord, You are Holy and Good and You amaze me. I will still proclaim that to any and all who come my way. Even my withered life will not mar Your testimony which is eternal and never fails to make itself known so widely that even the rocks praise Your holy name…