15It happened so fast.
I drew in a breath,
and ice cold air
gushed down my lungs.
My head started to spin,
my vision blurred
from the salty tears, welling up in my eyes.
The pain is immense.
I could feel it
down to my very last bone.
Death takes you by surprise.
It hits you like
a thousand blades,
slicing through your heart.
No time for a reaction.
No time for a thought.
It comes,
and goes,
before you even have a chance to notice.
He didn't deserve-
Save it.
It's done.
Reviews that were accidentally deleted:
Faithless Juliet - Deep, and well-detailed, I enjoyed the up the good work.
Much love,Juliet.
Tasiha - Interesting poem. I like your use of short lines, and your descriptions are
pretty good, too.
A few things you might think about changing:
this line: The feeling is indescribable. needs to go. if it's indescribable, why
are you trying to describe it? it doesn't correspond with the content of the
poem at all and it is borderline cliche. moreover it is not necessary for what
you are conveying.
Nextly, I found it just a little peculiar that your first few lines describe the
breath you took (an excellent description, by the way) and then later on you say
'No time for a breath.' err... it just contradicts in an odd way that distracts
from the poem's content.
One other inconsistency/oddity that you might want to analyze: the poem starts
off talking about a particular death that touched you, and your reaction to it,
but when it concludes it talks about death in general. Maybe... MAYBE pick one
topic and be consistent about it? I'm not sure which I'd prefer.
Let me also add that I loved the conclusion! He didn't deserve- Save it. It's
done. Beautiful, stunning, succinct and catchy. Keep it up!
Always,
Tas
Dustytiger - very powerful piece you have written here, i tend to likek to read stuff like this to see what others think death may be like, great work you've done
Zachy - a love one of mine died recently too, i was at my first funeral. I know exactly how this is. You described it very well.