How to Survive a Horror Movie

Prologue

First Things First

So you have picked up this book. Seeing the title you must be ready to get to the advice because it's likely that you don't have much time before whatever barrier you put up on the door gives way. Still the first thing to do is to make sure you are actually in a horror movie. Take this handy quiz to find out if I can help you further.

1. So how did this movie start?

A. With a dark screen showing the opening credits in blood red letters, and creepy music playing in the background .

B. Cheerful music showing credits in plain white

C. Prink credits with sweet music in the background

2. What was the first thing that happened in the movie (after the credits finished rolling)

A. I wasn't there, but from what my friend told me there was enough blood to keep the American Red Cross happy into the next Presidential Administration.

B. I woke up in my apartment and found out my boss had moved in with me.

C. I saw the face of the person I loved but couldn't tell I loved them.

3. Finally where did you find this book?
A. Hidden in a locked chest in the room where I am despretly hiding

B. My boss' back pocket (don't ask)

C. I bought it, hoping I could catch the eye of the cute checkout clerk and bring them into conversation.

Scoring Add up your totals

More A's Yep you're in a horror movie keep reading.

More B's Your in a comedy, you don't need this put it down you don't know where it's been.

More C's I pity you, you are in the worst kind of movie far more terrifying that anything any killer could do. You are in a Chick Flick, God be with you… Now it's time to ask…

What Genre are You in?

This makes little difference to tell you the truth but it will help determine how you will die if you don't follow my advice. There are several basic horror movie types and key survival strategies to each:

Slasher Movies: These are your classic blood and gore and sex and gore movies. The killer is normally a dark looking character with the killing skills of a Wizard of Oz character, so you'd think that they'd be easy to avoid hah, not that simple.

Ghost Movies: These movies involve spirits chained to earth for some reason. The ghosts always seem to hate the living and kill at random. Surviving these movies takes more skill.

Science Gone Nuts Movies: These movies are a lesson for all of us. DON'T MAKE ANY KIND OF CREATON FOR THE MILITARY OR TO "HELP" MAN KIND BECAUSE IT WILL KILL YOU! The killers in this movie could range from a psychotic invisible man with a passion for groping woman, to a genetically modified animal with sharp teeth. If you do not like guns then you are not going to survive this movie.

Alien Movies: For some reason a bunch of aliens have decided to attack Earth (And no it's not the DNC). They have lot of high tech weapons that would make Rambo piss himself. To survive this movie you need guns, body armor, guns, fast cars, guns, a pilot and did I mention guns?

Supernatural Movies: These are separate from ghost movies, they may involve a number of different creatures and have varying ways to kill you. The creatures are normally the undead or were-somethingorothers and always seem to be known to all the old people in the village. Which is why you never disrespect them.

I have a chapter on each one of these that includes numerous tips on how to survive as well as what to do in certain situations and the signs of whether or not you are in that particular genre.