Sorry it took so long guys! It's not my best work but I still think it's good.

Chapter 3

Science Gone Nuts Movies

So your decided to take a job working with secret multi-national corporation to help create an innovative product that will rock the world to it's foundation. You are a complete MORON. Why on earth would you accept a job like that? It has death written all over it, ok so maybe I shouldn't be yelling at you, sorry. Well anyway you're regretting that choice now because you have some kind of creature after you, which, thanks to your "innovative technology" it can't be killed by anything less than a nuclear explosion. Welcome to the world of the Science Gone Nuts Movies. These movies are yet again movies that are difficult to live through. And before I begin my helpful advice lets find out if you need my advice. Because I know that by now you are tired of listening to me. Now to the all familiar

Signs You're in a Science Gone Nuts Movie

1. You work at an oddly named company such as Cyanide Industries

2. There is an unusual amount of screaming coming from a room in a lab called "Executive Bathroom" that do not sound like the boss is constipated.

3. Protestors that camp outside your workplace sometimes just disappear.

4. Some of your colleges come out of the Executive Bathroom with less appendages than they went in with.

5. There is a small petting zoo sized area of caged animals that are "test subjects"

5. These animals also have less than the usual number of appendages

6. There seems to be a lot of high tech stuff in your company for a sugar factory

7. A man with crazy hair running around yelling "it's escaped, it's escaped we're DOOMED, DOOMED AHHHH!" then being subdued by several burly men with stun guns, is so common that you have consider it a part of Mondays at work.

8. Your newest co-worker looks uncannily like a Marine Drill instructor.

9. Your boss is a skinny man with glasses

10. Any worker who asks for a raise mysteriously disappears. (Wait! that's normal scratch that…)

If you are experiencing any of these signs the important thing is to GET A GUN AND RUN RUN FOR YOUR LIFE OR YOUR GONNA DIE! Ok hold on, (deep breath) I'm calm, you really need to stay calm. Panicking will only lead to death. Look closely over this book and find out how to survive.

The Basics

Science Gone Nuts (SGN) movies teach us one thing: don't fool with Mother Nature, if you do she'll slap you with a sexual harassment law suit in the form of a creation that can kill you very, very painfully. These movies involve some kind of animal or insane person that has some kind of enhanced ability. Survival rates vary but the overall corpse-to-permanently traumatized survivor ratio isn't encouraging. A SGN movie also looks differently on certain actions that other movies reward. Before we get there though we need to discuss

Rule #1 to Surviving a SGN movie

Know what your company does

Befriend the local janitor

It's not good to be running blind, you should know if your company is involved in experimental research. It's hard to get information about this though, most of the people do not want to tell you about it. So here's a list of helpful do's and don'ts to get information on your companys activity.

Don't make threats, making threats scares the guys in charge , that could leave you jobless at best and major organ system-less at worst.

Do try and get a promotion, besides increasing your pay you will get access to the mysterious goings on in the company.

Don't start sleeping with a member of the experiment team. While having sex isn't as deadly in an SGN movie as in a Slasher it is still deadly plus, do you want to be sleeping with someone who has been exposed to radiation?

Do Befriend the local janitor, the company uses the janitor to clean up the blood splatter from attacks he know everything (plus he has the highest survival rate of any SGN character.

Knowledge is power in any situation and once you know that your company is committing crimes against nature then you can move on to

Rule #2 to surviving a SGN movie

Know what you're facing

Lets face it a lot of people in offices look like monsters in the morning anyway

If you don't know what you're running from then how are you going to know when to run? Lets face it a lot of people in offices look like monsters in the morning anyway and if you work for the government then you have contact with congress; which not only looks like a monster but also has them beat hands down for acts of evil. This could make for a confusing time so here are some key differences between the three in different situations.

You see the person/creature in question storming up in the morning, you want to be friendly so you ask how their doing ….

Responses

Early Morning Co-worker (EMCW) Bites your head off(not literally)

Congress (Con) Imeaditly hikes your taxes.

Monster (Mon) Impales you on his brand new pointy protrusion when you ask how he's doing.

The vedning machine takes their dollar

Responses

EMCW: Kicks vending machine and curses.

Con: Orders vending machine company shut down for EPA violations

Mon: Uses the spinal cord of a nearby co worker to get the drink out

They miss out on a promotion

EMCW: Bottles up the anger inside , then lets it out with a .9 mm after he gets fired.

Con: Writes a book about discrimination in the workplace

Mon: Releases deadly gas from his rear that kills everyone so he gets the promotion by default.

Now are you sure that you're facing a monster? Good lets move on to

Rule #3 To surviving a SGN Movie

Get Out Before Things Get Bad

You should ask to be transferred to a place where you have less chance of dieing, the nearest cannibal inhabited nation.

Just because your company is fooling with the laws of nature doesn't mean you should have to suffer through it. The best way to avoid any horror movie situation is to avoid the movie altogether and you have a great chance for that right now. You need to ask for a transfer, you should ask to be transferred to a place where you have less chance of dieing, the nearest cannibal inhabited nation should do. I will now give you the proper way to ask for a transfer.

Dear (Your Supervisors name),

DS

It has come to my attention that this section of the company is engaged in extermination that might result in the removal of one of my major organ systems. I have grown rather attached to these systems in (your age) years. As a result I beilve that I should be removed from a situation where I might possibly lose them. It is this reason that I am asking for a transfer to Iceland for the duration of the experiment

Sincerely

Seven Spaces

(Your Name)

You response will come back within 5-10 business days not including holidays or Mondays:

Dear (Your Name)

You have asked to be transferred, and my answer is, no.

Sincerely,

Your Boss

PS Bernice doesn't eat organ systems she eats reproductive organs, why do think I've been popping Cialas for the past month?

Speaking of needing a little help:

Rule #4 To Surviving a SGN Movie

Don't Be a Hero

There is no highlight to this section

We all love hero's. We look up to them and they help us in our times of trouble. But when it comes to a SGN movie you just need to let it be. Hero's normally find some way to live through whatever means of death is put upon them in the affore mentioned movies. But when it comes to a SGN movie the hero is killed in a way that leaves very little doubt that he is dead. Normally there is nothing left but a toe.

You see when the creation sees a heroic thing being done he thinks to himself (or herself). Hm there's some poor sap sacrificing themselves for their friends. How touching you know I can't kill them it's just… they then look and the spleen in their right hand and the colon in their left. Oh well.

Now we must move on to…

Rule # 5 to Surviving a Horror Movie

Keep a gun handy

Your best bet is to buy a gun the second your company announces it is participating in Operation: Organ Eater.

Yet again we run into a time where, if you are a liberal, you need to get past your anti-gun philosophy, and replace it with a "shoot everything without a human face in sight" philosophy. Your best bet is to buy a gun the second your company announces it is participating in Operation: Organ Eater. Once you have the gun hide it in a place that looks like you will be stuck in with diminishing hope.

That way once your there you can pull out the gun and run into the fray, firing shots into the horrible beast's head, and then sadly you'll find out about

Rule # 6 to surviving an SGN movie

Guns Don't Work

I'm not being paid by the Ruger company, stop looking at me that way…

Yes, that's a sad fact. The creatures created in SGN movie are impervious to bullets. Why did I ask you but a gun then? Well… I'm not being paid by the Ruger company, stop looking at me that way… hey do you want to get out alive or not?

Anyway the only thing that will kill them is one of two things a nuclear explosion, or a speicaly made weapon. There are pro and cons to each.

Nuclear Explosion

Pros

-Will leave little evidence of the company's crimes, so you'll get points with the boss… as soon as he finds his head.

- Might just take out that annoying bum that asks you for change outside the entrance.

-Will bring in SWAT teams and the like to finish off the monster.

-Will bring in the media to make sure that everyone knows what you went through

Cons

- Leaves little evidence of the company's crimes, that means you can't black mail them later

- Can cause you to grow an extra something

- Might just create more horribly mutated freaks for you to kill, namely: Environmentalists

Special Weapon:

Pros:

- A guaranteed kill

- Usually easy to operate

- looks cool!

Cons

- Can be hard to aquire, as it's normally hidden in a locked safe that only opens when you stare at it in a certain way.

- May not, in the technical sense, exist

- may not, in the technical sense, work.

Conclusion

It takes a creative mind to create a monster, and it takes a creative mind to kill it. This means that SGN movies are deathtraps for a large majority of the horror movie population. If you are not creative then it's best for you to stay behind the creative one. With luck you'll make with only a minor case of post traumatic stress disorder, that will lead to ED and pain the rest of your life.