Don't Belong

Sandra's POV-

Why am I here?

I don't belong here.

Of all places to end up a psychiatric ward was not one I expected. I don't belong here. I didn't do anything. I pull my feet up to my chest staring ahead.

I am in a room with two beds; the roommate is on the other. My ward is high security to prevent residents from hurting themselves. The room is completely white and there is only one window. It is small and high up with bars on it. It is also opaque so you can't see through it.

God, I haven't been or seen the outside since I was put in here. I'd do anything just to breath some fresh air.

Why am I here?

I don't belong here.

It is quiet time witch means I can't do anything but sit on my bed and think of my situation. Besides quiet time I eat, sleep, and have therapy. Lots of therapy. And free time. Free time is the best. All I can do was watch TV. Like I said I is a secure ward I can't read, play games, or even write cause I might of use the materials to hurt myself. I can't use the phone though. Just for five minutes my link to the outside world. Only for calling family members. Like hell. My parents haven't even bothered to visit me in here yet and my brother had turned his back on me. It is like I was locked away and no longer their problem. I called my best friend, Jane, whenever I could and gave her as much information as I could before I was forced to get off the phone.

I want to cry but I am afraid if I do they might keep me longer. I was am to do anything to get mad for being in this fucken place, to yell at the nurse who thinks I am going to try to commit suicide. I can't help it but let out a small sob.

Why am I here?

I don't belong here.

You think that the damn people running this place would realize that I am the only fucken resident here who doesn't have scars on her wrists from cutting. You think that they'd realize that I've never torched my house. That I've never threatened anybody. You'd think they'd realize I don't belong here.

The other kids here are…different. They're all depressed (hmm…imagine that depressed in a this place.) I talked to them sometimes but they are all just so I don't know. Mostly I just kept my mouth shut.

Why am I here?

I don't belong here.

God all I want to do is go home. It is all because of my fucken over reactive therapist.

My parents recently got divorced. It wasn't the cleanest breakup in the world but I dealt with it. The judge though thought it be best for m to undergo therapy to, "cope with the extreme emotional distress." Ha, stress he should see me now.

I didn't like the lady from the moment I met her. She talked down to me like I was a fucken idiot. Didn't believe anything I said either.

So, my last session I just didn't talk to her. I didn't think it do that much. Probably get me in a fight with my father but that's it. God, I was wrong. Afterward she talked to my father. I don't even know exactly what she said. Just that the fucken gullible bastard believed her.

He decided it was serious enough to drive me to the emergency room. Told them he was afraid that I would do something to someone or myself. Then he started spilling anything I ever did. I skipped homework club a few times. Its homework club! That I was failing math. I was never good at math! The fucken suicide note my brother wrote as a joke. The kid wrote it to get me in trouble I told him that! It wasn't even my own handwriting! Then he said I like fire. So what!

That did it. Next thing I was on a four-hour ambiance ride to this place.

God, I don't belong here.

I don't know what to do. This place is going to make me depressed. They say I can leave when I tell them what's wrong. I don't know. I keep on guessing. I'm unstable, depressed, suicidal, pyromaniac, bi-polar, but all they say is close but no or why do you think your are.

I don't even feel like myself anymore. They got me on enough drugs to make a grizzly bear docile. I wonder how they're supposed to know when I'm getting better when I'm so drugged up that its like I can't feel any strong emotions at all?

No that's not right. I feel so alone. Its just so god it's unbearable. I just want to be in my own bed using my own toothbrush. And to see my friends I've never realized how much they meant to me.

The drugs aren't all bad though they make me very sleepy. Without them I don't think I'd ever get to sleep at night. They do block out the pain of isolation for those few hours of night.

It's the little things to. Like I'm missing so much school. Jane promised in our snatches of conversation to help me with my homework. Said everyone would. She's my only friend I have contact with and she communicates with my other friend Dian. Dian and Jane are the only ones who know I'm here. They just told everyone else I'm sick. But if I don't get out soon I might have to go to summer school or worse even repeat a grade.

Just being able to take my dog for a walk. I'd do anything just to take Cody around the block.

God, I don't belong here.