The Art of Political Incorrectness (Part II)

Jumpers (As if whatever's next could be any better)

"Suicide is man's way of telling God 'You can't fire me, I quit.'" –Bill Moher

Suicide is no laughing matter, but someone has to do it. Someone has to toe the politically correct line, occasionally box jumping it when no one's looking. This isn't that someone. What this is is merely a reflection upon a rather unpopular suicide method. So if you think taking something like suicide lightly is a sin worthy of the ninth circle of hell… well… no it's not. Let's continue.

Jumping apparently is a very effective method of suicide. From a building, the kill rate is 100 percent. If someone points out that people can live from jumping, they are wrong. Every jumper dies. Eventually. Be it that instance, or in a few days due to internal damage from thirty six broken bones, or fifty seven years later after fully recovering and seeing the glory that is living, everyone will die. What most suiciders forget is that jumping from only a high building works. I see countless people wanting to die jumping up and down from where they're standing, with a whip-like device held between two hands. When I tell them to do it from a tall building, they shout at me that it's 'jump roping,' not attempted suicide. When questioned why, they all say it's for cardio. What crap is that? If you're not running with the bulls at the Pamplona Festival, you don't need cardio. Period. Few people seem to realize this 'jump roping' as suicide. First it kills thousands of thousands of cells in your legs each jump. It speeds up arthritis in your legs, from constant beating of the joints. Finally, all that heavy breathing may be good in 17th century Oregon, but not home. The air is so laced with pollution that you're increasing your risk of bronchitis and innumerable other diseases. It's suicide. Face it. Moving on.

The society basically is now forcing all suiciders to partake this highly effective method. There's a five day waiting list for all would be gun owners. Homer Simpson's "Five days? But I'm mad now!" comes to mind. Knives are way too painful, messy, and ineffective. Seriously, who really wants to stab themselves? It's painful stuff: the stabbing. Painkillers are increasingly hard to get due to strict government regulations in all-local wal-mart. For sleeping pills look under painkillers. Hanging? I mean come the hell on. Nobody who's FORCED to hang would want to hang. It's categorized under 'freaking painful.' So the only thing left is jumping.

The benefits of jumping compared to other methods of suicide are obvious. First, it's cheap. In fact, there's absolutely no cost at all! (Except for the famous jumper Byron C. Fastinado, who constructed an entire skyscraper for the sole reason of jumping off it when it was finished. He's the exception that proves the rule.) Secondly, it achieves every man's dream of flying before they die. If someone points out that falling is not really flying, they're probably the ones engaged in slow suicide by jump roping. Dumbasses in other words. Third, I'm sick of listening to you. Stop propagating to the mass media. No one cares if you have problems. Because EVERYONE has problems. I know this is a little cliché, but do it. Look around. There are those worse off than you. (Author's note: If you ARE the ones worse off, sucks to be you.) Finally, dying could be a very good way to relieve us of your presence. According to the UN, the population will reach infinity in just a few years. (Author's note: I'm not kidding on this one. Look it up. The population's expected to reach infinity in less than a century.) By ridding the world of complainers, yay! Problem solved. Combined with AIDS and the recent Tsunami along with the waves of locusts sure to cause disease and famine everywhere, humans just might be able to get through this. (Irony ends? Begins? Who can tell.)

So in the end, suicide will always be with us, right up there high up in human crimes like murder and Irish dancing. If it's always going to be with us, does it make more sense to stop it, or leave it alone? Why fight something that you cannot possibly hope you beat? Well this essay in its entirety might seem to be pro-suicidal, but it's actually not. Why? Because of this next, final paragraph.

When any attempted jumper is interviewed they say they did it because they didn't want to live anymore. (Stories vary, but that's the jist. Hey look! Something in brackets that's NOT funny!) Well let's look at every possibility if a jumper succeeds. They can reincarnate (Hindu? I don't really know). Yeah. Because living it all over again is going to make life any better. They can go to heaven/hell (pretty much all other religion). If you weren't happy on a place with alcohol and sex, you'll never be happy anywhere. Puppy dogs and fields of flowers can only go so far. They can simply not exist anymore (People who won't give up Sundays for eternal salvation. How lazy can we get?). What and miss next week's Scrubs? You're nuts. Trouble is, as much as life sucks, death sucks too. Killing your self without reviewing what may happen after you die is like… well I can't come up with a metaphor sufficiently dumb enough. Hell, I'll pull a Dunbar (from Catch-22) just to delay death. If any would-be jumpers reading this is going "I don't know get the Dunbar thing because I never read Catch-22," well then there's something to do before dying! There's a myriad of crap in the world to occupy your time without ever leaving that appendage of yours called a computer chair. The only reason you think about dying is because you've got nothing to do. Leave dying in your 'To-Do' list. Look at me. I write, for one. I also teach myself guitar. Harmonica and accordion are next on my list of nerd stuff to do. My 'things to do before I die list' has so much crap in it that I have really little time for … say… planning my horrible demise by vitamin B overdose. Try it for a month. Be as busy as you can. Cook. Sing. Sing while you're cooking. Sing to your food. Cook to your songs. List two random activities on a piece of paper and see how many ways you can connect them without sounding insane. Hell, why am I still writing this? I'm going to go out and enjoy life for a short time between moments of grief. Remember: Jumping is okay. But why bother?

Author's Final Note: In the newer installments of the Art of Political Incorrectness, they shall have a strictly more politically incorrect feel to it. This one I thought I had to make more positive after the relative negativeness of smoking in schools. (I don't think it's a bad idea, just that it's calling for flamers.) So this negates any bad blood left. For the rest, I shall concentrate on... other things.