Andrew Dodson

Creative Writing II – Kramer


"I'm too old and too rich for this."


"Congratulations! This is Taylor Devins calling to inform you that you have been picked to receive a special offer from –"

"Sorry I'm busy right now…." Click

"Hello! I'm Taylor Devins from 'New Eden' and I'm calling you to inform you of a special deal…"

No response. Click

"Hi! This is Taylor Devins from 'New Eden' and I'd like to tell you about-"

"No speake Inglés." Click.

Taylor sighed and spun around in her chair once. She had been at this for the last six hours and fifty-eight minutes. Not that she had been counting. Only thirty-two more minutes before she could leave for the day and head home to her phoneless home, feed her cat, eat her microwave Lean-Dinner then watch the television for six hours before going to bed.

Spinning the chair back into position, she looked up to the motivational sign that hung on the cubicle wall next to her computer. It was a simple little poster showing a tiny kitten hanging by its claws half-way up on some fancy pink curtains. Underneath the photograph it read: "Hang in there baby!" in big cherry colored letters.

"Yeah, hang in there," she sighed to herself, forcing a smile at the picture. It was then she noticed the tiny print in the corner of the poster. Quite simply it read: 'Copyright Motivate Industries, 1954-1967.'

That cat was probably long dead by now. That was certainly a motivational thought.

With another sigh, she looked back at her computer screen and hit 'F2' to randomize the next number she was suppose to call. Her clock beeped once as the hour passed. Two minutes down, thirty to go Taylor thinks to herself Now that's a motivational poster!

She heard the familiar sound of the random phone number being dialed and smiled as the numbers (777) 777-7777 showed up on the screen. That's weird, I didn't think we were in that area code Taylor thinks with a sigh Well, the computer only rings up whats in its directory…

Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring.

"Um, hello," a male voice asked, his voice sounded distant and uncertain. Instantly Taylor knew it was some high-end executive who was learning to use the phone while his secretary was out of town.

"Hello!" Taylor says cheerfully, silently thanking her mother for making her take all those acting lessons when she was little "My name is Taylor Devins and I-"

"Huh? Taylor Devins?"

"Yes. I'm calling to inform you of a special deal being presented by 'New Eden'…" Taylor says then pausing and expecting the man to hang up at that. Just like everyone else did. But, for some reason or another, he didn't.

"What deal?" The man asked, sounding genuinely interested.

"Oh, uh…" Taylor quickly scrambled for the piece of paper that detailed the special deal "For a limited time only, 'New Eden' will be renting out its family beachfront locations in the warm sunshine state of Florida at half-price, but only if you make a down-payment right now. If you wait, this special deal will pass you by!"

"Florida?" The man sounded confused.

"Yes, Florida. You know, the Sunshine State? Oranges? Disneyworld?"

"Oh, Florida. I remember that now, lots of swamps and palm trees. Shaped like a phallus. I laughed for days after I saw how that turned out."

Taylor paused for a moment as the man chuckled. Ooookay.

"So are you interested?" Taylor asks.

"Interested in what?"

"The beachfront deal that 'New Eden' is offering. It'll save you about seven hundred dollars off the normal price."

Taylor heard the man take a deep sigh. She knew that sigh. That was the sigh that people made when they weren't really interested. She had to throw in something right now.

"Sir, I'm really not suppose to do this," she lies "But if you make your down-payment right now, 'New Eden' will throw in some free fishing gear. You sound like the kind of man that likes to relax and fish."

"Well, not particularly…I'm kind of a busy man…"

"Then I'm sure you deserve a few days of relaxation. What is it that you do?" Taylor asks, tapping a few keys on her computer to bring up any stored information about the man she was calling. Surprisingly there was nothing. Most of these Telemarketing databases were pretty complete. Must be a new number or something she thinks, shaking her head.

There was a brief pause. "I guess you could say that I'm in the management business."

Taylor raised her eyes brows. That was new. She had heard of business. And she had heard of management. But never have heard the two put together like that.

"Sooooo you assign managers to run other people's business or something," she asks, quite curious.

"….not really. I kinda manage a lot," he says.

"Oh? What do you manage?"

"…um. Everything?" he says, adding a forced chuckle at the end to make it sound like a joke. Taylor didn't laugh and was just more confused.

"So back to the deal?" the man says, quickly changing subjects.

"Oh, of course," Taylor says happily, forgetting her confusion "So can I write you down as interested?"

"Um…I dunno," the man says, sounding not interested again.

"I guarantee that you'll enjoy yourself, mister," Taylor quickly says "I've been to our beachfront locations numerous times. They are quite beautiful."

There was another deep breath, like someone really trying to make up his mind about something.

"Okay," he says reluctantly.

"Excellent, this is a purchase you will not regret," Taylor says sincerely…well, it sounded sincere "Could you please spell me your name and then read me your credit card number."

The man spelled his name and Taylor typed it into a 'purchase' database. A minute later 'Yahweh H. Jehovah' was typed in. Taylor found this somewhat odd because the man did not sound Arabic.

"Alright, Mr. Jehovah, could you read me your credit card now please," she says "And of course, all this information is completely confidential and your card will not be charged without your knowing."

There was a long pause and sounds of a man looking for something before Taylor started hearing numbers over the phone. Once she typed it all in, she frowned. This had to be a fake number. On her screen there was a line of eleven sevens. With a sigh, she pushed the 'Charge' button, expecting an 'Invalid Credit Card Number' error to be displayed. Much to her surprise, it did not. A green message blinked up, which read: 'Transaction Successful.' She blinked, shrugged, then smiled.

"Alright Mr. Jehovah, everything is set. A pamphlet will be mailed to the address that is associated with this number. It will detail how you can schedule your vacation, and how to make your low low payment," Taylor says cheerfully. Probably 777 Seven Street Taylor thinks sarcastically.

"Alright, thank you," the man says, sounding a bit like he had just made a purchase he didn't want. Not that Taylor really cared.

"Have a nice night, Mr. Jehovah," Taylor says happily, then hangs up.

Only 23 minutes to go.