I got up, drank some super-strength-inducing elixir
(a.k.a. "Jack Daniels"),
And changed into my Mega-Ditz costume.
(My real name is Mattie Henderson,
though I wish it were something like
Aurora Wisteria or Volvox Callisto
or something interesting like that.)
Then I remembered that my whites
Had been in the dryer for three days now
Because I'd been too busy to fold them.
(I was saving the world, and presidents, and senators,
And all that other good stuff.
Ever have one of those days?)
...So anyhoo, I got 'em outta the dryer and folded them,
Which took quite some time,
Because I suck at folding and I hate doing it but
Mom says "Only a slacker wouldn't fold her laundry" (sigh).
Then I checked my e-mail
'Cause I hadn't checked it in like, forever.
So, yeah, it was a while before
I hit the streets in the name of justice.
When I finally did,
I managed to prevent an outbreak
Of some disease or whatever
By killing Mad Scientist Matt, who was — well — mad.
(I can't blame him, really.
You see, he was somehow coerced
Into counting the fjords in Norway,
Which as you can imagine can be quite — well — maddening,
Because where does one fjord end
And another begin, anyway?)
Oh yeah, and I was also asked by the local authorities
To find out what sick-minded freak
Was rampantly sneaking into buildings all over the city
And replacing white-board markers with permanent ones.
(He was only a poor, sad soul. So I sent him
To the Pentagon to find a job
As a project-manager or something.)
You shouldn't really know about this stuff
'Cause it's like top-secret and all that whatnot,
But all my fans have been begging me
To write about My Typical Day,
So I figured, what the heck —
I've got weekends off, right?