disappointment

before you tore through my life i pledged to myself to never be harmed by the frailties of love without desire and without affection, i was the heart of stone and cage of steel set to spring back on the predator that stalks us all i was no one anyone wanted, too busy too independent too intelligent for anyone with reason to pursue hidden in my armor, i prepared battle with everyone but too blinded by the forest to see the trees for myself that the only person willing to fight me on my own terms and that i should quiver before would be the one who could destroy me best i kept everyone at bay, locked out by the spikes on the gates, when the demon to beware slept in comfort within

you said i feel ensnared by your overwhelming adoration and that something i want is going to cut you without my approval i want the comfort of emotional stability for myself in an insecure package one that needs careful unwrapping and delicate hands and confirmation you all agree that i'm piecing together a puzzle that's already been finished and its picture too obvious to the outsiders eye but i don't see the end enigma through the fragility, nor the monster lurking beneath soft laments and whirlwind insecurities i need to slave myself to this proclaimed asinine task to prove a point to no one but myself

the horror that steals my resolves is never knowing with certainty if everything we've done for each other is dust in the wind to you, the practice round before the real game to think of you holding her close as you sleep half-aware on your side and running your hand beneath her shirt, delighted to be near the warm, silky skin rips reality from my chest and the world from beneath my feet, thinking when you do the same to me that your mind wanders to thoughts of her i'm all the torture i'll ever need, imagining you imagining your lips on my neck and your teeth to my skin as lips and teeth teasing delight from her or that your restrained sounds of pleasure are brought forth by clandestine fantasies of finally gaining release with your passive-aggressive lover

you said that's where we disagree, i don't see things like you do, i have a unique value of people you've crushed my joy with your vehement warnings and now i know what to be on guard for i'll be cautious but you have to understand that i can't talk about her like i love her because you won't let me because talking like that would upset you and bring forth so many tears held back unshed i envy your words flowing freely, furious as they are when i can't speak even simple things without feeling like a victim in front of my friends or that actions will cost more than is reasonable to owe in exchange

ah my lovely disappointment how you failed me how i failed myself when i took your strength to be all the assurance i needed to keep you from harm's way and from the claws of the beast with no control in its mind or body sweet, sad-eyed disappointment how i loved you how i hated myself when i saw the loathing in your heart seeded there by unjustified terror signed and sent by declarations of untamed suspicion and apprehension aimed squarely at my most impressionable of loyalties

you said the allure of that which i cannot have has always been the achilles heel in my life, and i am without life's blood if i am bound from the enticement of a precious shattered girl i'm not as wounded as you portray me to be despite your breath taking descriptions of how she slices into my open heart, a gift i gave her the moment she entered into my life and that she accepted when our fates were sealed without unspoken words crossing my lips, without fear for the safety of my soul, and without tentative experimentation our forbidden love has forever been a thing of silence and of night, a thing of sanctified darkness and between the words of meaninglessness and noncommitality, we knew full well the emotional affair our hearts had entered into