He's gone...

today was the last day I think we will ever speak to each other. I told just about everything and he decided that he doesn't want to be apart of my life any more. But he didn't come right out and say he didn't want to be my friend. But you can't not want to be apart of some one life and still be their friend...now I'm lost I have no one no one at all.

And it hurts you know it hurts so bad that there isn't even a word to describe it. It hasn't been thought up yet, now what am I going to do? I don't know I just don't know... all wanted really wanted was for him to try and love me but he didn't want to do that, he didn't even try. And no I'm not putting all the blame in this to him I have my faults too...but I guess me, my intensity was too much for him to handle.

Today March 08, 2005 I lost my heart to him... I lost every thing and now I broken and defeated. I told him that I was falling apart, well now I have no more falling. Knowing the kind of person he is this won't bother him for long infact he will move on, maybe not forget but he will be able to move on. I don't know what will happen to me I'm not the type of person who just gives herself to just anyone. I when I give myself to a person I give my complete self to that person. Which was what I was trying to get him to understand. I was giving him the greatest gift I had in me my love... but he didn't want it and refused to take it and I got mad and yes I did blow something's out of proportion. For me it's better to be mad then to be hurt I can get over being mad but the hurt... that's something that can never go away. At least not for me I'm a sensitive sort of person in that aspect. I can't just get over things like he can.

I over react I get passionate I do anything but try to not be hurt. Anything but that... but when night falls and I'm in my room or in my den by myself I can't escape it the hurt crushes me and consumes me. And I have no way out no outlet no one to talk to. For he was the one I turned to and now I can't turn to him anymore. I'm ashamed embarrasses humiliated by the way I acted. I was overwhelmed so many things in my life were and still are going wrong. Not just things with him but my school, my job, my home life. It got to the point that every day I was killing myself mentally just about. I want peace I need peace in some ways he was my peace. But now I have to find my own peace, I can't depend on him he no long is there and truth be told I don't think he ever wanted to be. But I don't know what is in his mind. I don't know what he told her yesterday but I think she is the one he truly wants not me. And I knew it deep deeeeeep down I knew it but I was so scared so terrified that if that was true then there was nothing I could do. I tried to force him to at least take risk with me but he wouldn't she's there and in his heart a place I will never be able to get in. He wants me to stay away from him and I will stay away but I wish for a moment he could feel agony I'm in.

Because there will never be another person I will feel this way about. I'm not over dramatizing this I understand myself enough to know. I won't try to take my life again but inside of me I'm already dead. I will just go through the motions of being happy but I will never be completely happy, I will try to fill this void... with whatever it takes... be it with other guys or whatever else.
And I know that for brief periods I will be happy, for a few moments in time I will forget... but I don't know what to do when I remember, when I shatter all over again. When I relive this nightmare again.
I'm so empty right now, I'm so hallow right it hurts that he's treating me like a leper. To know that at my lowest point of my life when I need him...he turns me loose he wants me to stay way from him. I can't understand it and he has explained it to me but I don't understand it. It's like my mind can't make the connection to what his words really mean. I feel betrayed lost alone ashamed scared isolated shamefaced, shun forsaken and unwanted.

Unwanted... alone and unwanted...when you get right down to it it's the very core of what I feel. Alone and unwanted... picture a record playing in my head asking... why doesn't he want me, why didn't he at least try to love me. Why won't he try to love me why..?

What did I do? What can I do? What didn't I do? Just tell me want to do. I would have done anything...anything for him. I was willing to do anything if he had just tried and not did what he thought was best for me. No tried to shield me with distance and this cold-heartedness. Not treated me so passively. I wish he would have tried that's all and not shoved me and feelings for him away and backed me into a corner. To point where it was like a taboo for me to even say the words "I love you I love you"

It was like I was in a tiny room with no light, with only a chair to sit on. That's what it felt I had to squash my love for him I had to bury it and keep it hidden because HE wasn't ready to acknowledge it. But I failed I couldn't keep it buried I had to let it come out. But when it did it came out all wrong, all twisted with jealously and envy, malice and spitefulness.

The love I have for him... I say have because after all this I'm still in love with him I still love him, anyway the love I have for him has been changed, its no longer beautiful pure and as soft and clean. It's been damaged and battered not completely mutilated but mauled. Vie been dragged through a hell of his and my making.

And if you read this I want you to understand that I wasn't trying to be the girl of your dreams... I was trying to be the girl that you would maybe grow to love, provided that you have given me a chance given yourself a chance and given us a chance.

My words have failed me now... I no longer know what to say… or how to express the words I still have left in me.
So I'll just end here.