I'm just going through the motions...

but I'm trying so hard to get back to my normal self. But I can't seem to...

I feel so phony, so fake, like the living dead, a person wondering around without a soul.

You know I still see him...everyday at the same time, he's still there... but I don't dare approach him.

It's hard I yearn to talk to him... to beg him...

"please don't leave me alone"

"please don't ignore me..."

"I'm sorry...please forgive me..."

forgive me...

But I cant, I wont I have been shamed to much and I cant bare to have fallen lower then I already am.

I have to put this behind me I must, but I can't...I'm lost in a maze of loneliness and confusion.

A labyrinth of anger, sadness and misunderstanding.

I know what I did was wrong...but what I don't understand is how after knowing me for so long...

How could you just...leave...dismiss me without a moment's hesitation?

Why do you treat me with the icy cold indifference? Why didn't you yell or scream at me!?

Why are you so cold?

Why did you take it upon yourself to make the decision regarding us by yourself?

You said you did what was "best" for us...

Why couldn't you see that you were what was best for me?

All this I can't tell you. You will just think that I'm over dramatizing things.

Being melodramatic...and even though i'm sorry for what I did, your indifference pissed me off.

And hurt me to the very soul.

You seem untouched by me...

You treat me like an experiment to see if you weren't as restraint to this as you thought you were.

The only time I have ever seem you display any type of emotions, was when you talked about her...

I envied her I still do because she has your heart and I'll never will.

I hate that...it cuts me every time I think of it.

I did the one thing I swore I'd never do...

I let myself go and I let my guard down, and even though I told you how extremely hard it was for me to do that...

I still did it and look where it got me.

I knew no one would understand me if I ever let go completely and I was proven right in the bitterest way.

I'd never let myself get close to anyone because I knew something about me would eventually drive them away.

And here I am once again totally alone.

Just these faded pages of an old diary that no one wanted.

You were the person who I could talk seriously too...when I wasn't use to talking to anyone.

You made me tell you things I didn't even know about myself until I said them. You made me work for the things you shared with me. And for that I respect you for it.

But now... all that is gone... all but the phrase,

"I wont be apart of your life anymore"

Burned into my memory like an invisible tattoo that only I can see.

Truth be told the moment those words came out was the moment that broke me down. Utterly and completely broke me down...I don't even remember what I said after that.

I do know what ever I said I masked it with anger to hide my total and complete anguish.

I put up my smoke screen of anger so you wouldn't see how desolate i was behind it.

With in moments I had lost the person I loved and respected the most among anyone else I knew.

But you never really truly cared for my love... I think it flattered you for awhile but eventually you grew tired of it.

I wish I hadn't opened up and said I was inlove with you.

I wish I just kept it to myself. Maybe things would have been better,

alitte less stressful on the both of us if I had left well enough alone.

But at least you still have her in your life, you have someone. You still have the person you are bonded with.

So I guess that's why you were so unconcerned when it came to me. Because in the back of your mind... whether you admit this or not...you knew you still had her.

While i have no one, will have no one. There might be another guy… but I will keep him at arms length.

I don't want that to happen it's not fair to that unknown guy but it will... that's the type of person I am.

I won't open myself up again and offer myself twice. I honestly don't think I'd survive a second time if something like this were to ever happen again.

I really don't… i barely survived this time.

You told me to be strong, well I cant anymore. I'm tired and soullessly empty and alone,

I've been strong for everyone else for so long that i don't have any strength left for me.

As I said in the beginning, I'm just going through the motions.

Going through the motions of everyday life without you. Without anything to look forward too.

No one to really challenge me or to make me think. While you talk to the rest of the world, take your trips to the places you have to go to. I move on with what's left of the rest of my life like a shadow, not really existing but there... somewhere.

You know...I wish i could hate you... I really do.

I wish I could hate you, I wish i could hate you for loving her not me.

I wish I could hate you for taking it upon yourself to do "what you thought was the best" for me.

I wish I could hate you for still having someone to turn to, still having someone that you love.

I wish I could hate you for not being fair in not giving me a chance to share the love I've been waiting to give to someone...

Someone like you.

I wish I could hate you for just up and walking away..."drawing the line" because you think I need help from someone other then you.

I wish I could hate you for all those days and long nights I've cried to myself, that I still cry to myself about,

about what I lost...or rather what I never really had in the first place.

I wish I could hate you for leaving me here alone with nothing but a diary full of faded pages that nobody ever really wanted.

I wish I could hate you for me… for letting me give you everything in me I had to give and still not being enough.

Still not being what you need.

For being inadequate...

I wish I could tell you these things... I wish had the courage to go to you and tell you. But it is too late you've drawn the line and I wont cross it.

Maybe one day...one day I could show you how I feel...make you understand me better... If only...

But despite all of these things I wish for...

One thing is for sure...

I still love you and I always will...

If I have something else to say...

I'll say it then...

As for now…

I'll end it here...