Duty.

It's a tricky thing, really, the kind of thing that, in my more romantic moments, I wish I had a more solid sense of. But then, duty's never quite made perfect sense to me. Yeah, there are times and places when you have to give up your own desires and needs in order to accomplish something. But I don't see the point of giving up your whole life to a duty. Maybe I'm too selfish to see it. I probably am. In my opinion, every man is his own master and needs only serve himself. And if he wants to serve somebody else, that's cool - but he's still a man, his own man in the end, and he still has desires and needs. And it's not healthy to give everything of yourself and accept no happiness in return for your service.

My personal perception of duty is quite limited. I'll do my duty, but I'll put it off, or whine about it. Not because I don't like doing it (though I rarely enjoy carrying out my few responsibilities; I'm stalling one right now to type this) but because it's something I have no choice about. And if there's one thing that makes me more belligerent than a cranky warthog, it's being forced into something. I desperately despise being told that I -have- to do something. I refuse to give in to the duality of the world. And I guess I'm a bit like Cross in that respect, more than willing to give someone the finger sheerly out of spite for having my freedom curtailed.

Choosing a duty is different. There are those that I've had dropped on me that even though I dislike them, even though it annoys the hell out of me, I do it anyway - not because it's the right thing to do, or because there's nobody else - but in the end, because I care, and I know I haven't had much in the way of duty at all yet. So I do the slave labour, the physical therapy, the domestic chores. And I -don't- like it, and I complain gratuitously about it. I might do things because I -should-, but I don't have to like it, or keep quiet about it. I probably -should- keep quiet about it, because there's a million people in the world with duties that make mine look exactly like the child's play they are, but I -am- a selfish little brat and I can only care so much.

When I was in French class there was always one thing that made me think. In French, the words for 'should' and 'must' are the same thing, 'doit'. There's no difference between what a man -must- do and what he -should- do; there's no room to say, "Well, I'm supposed to, but..." And that always got me. Because to me, 'must' implies something that I have decided I need to do, for one reason or another. 'Should', however, is what other people tell me I ought to be doing, or saying, or accomplishing with due haste and enthusiasm. Like at this point in time, I would say that there is very little I -must- do, very few things I consider vital to my life, but there's a dozen things I should be doing, like the laundry sitting on my bed waiting to be folded. I'm not sure if this is simply because I am, as of yet, a child (in many ways, though I hate to admit it) and therefore look at the world with a child's sense of "ME FIRST!" or because that selfishness is entirely inherent.

I'd like to blame it on immaturity.

When it comes to standing pillars of duty, though - the people who really do throw away their lives and their dreams to do something entirely thankless, those who forsake their happiness for the happiness of another - all I can do is salute, and pretend I'm not envious. I'd like to have the discipline and the responsibility and the maturity to do that sort of thing - but I don't, and I doubt I ever will. I'm no samurai, no matter how lovely an idea it is. And I think that's part of my problem. I'm too easily enchanted by the fairy-tale quality of such things, attracted by the romantic righteousness of living a trapped, boring, empty life just so that others will benefit. It's got ballad potential, and therein lies the issue. I highly doubt that I'll ever be the kind of person to stand up and say, "Fuck what I want, what I've dreamed of. I'll give it all up just to embetter people who'll never even think of what I'm doing for them." There are fleeting moments when I submit to flashes of such honor and morality, but they're few and far between in the self-centered, irresponsible mass that is me. And in the space between those sprees of imagining myself dutiful, I look back on them and I write things like this, because I know myself too well to think I'll ever be noble or honorable or dutiful or any of that kind of thing. Perhaps it is selfishness; perhaps I look at things differently. Perhaps it's because things like happiness and beauty and creativity are far more important to me than honor and duty, and most likely always will be.

I am not a priest, just a singer; I am not a count, just a common-raised princess... and I am definitely not a saint. Sorry, duty, but I doubt I'll ever bear your flag.

-sin sin-