1I stood silently by the frozen lake, heart beating, feet aching. Trees were covered in snow, everything a crystalline white under the afternoon haze.
It's so beautiful…
I collapsed then, and screamed at the top of my lungs, sobbing and gasping for breath. It was my fault. I cried hysterically, unable to hold back the pain of losing my dearest friend. My heart throbbed, my head ached with thought as a gust of wind sent snow whirling around me.
Why did you leave me? What have I done?
I stepped out onto the ice, feeling the wetness of the snow slide on the ice beneath my feet. I took another step, then another. After a few minutes I was at a nearly steady run. Tears streamed through my eyes, but I didn't care. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't see, but neither could he. He was gone now, beneath this snow, this ice, this frozen beauty that only I could see, but knew he would love. Why was I spared? Why couldn't God take me instead?
I slipped suddenly and glimpsed the ice rising up to meet me. I gasped for breath through my sobs. My legs ached and my knees were bleeding. I lay in the snow, my tears falling to the packed snow under me and melting through to the solid ice.
Why did you take your life? Did you remember anyone? Did you think of me?
I dozed there in the snow, half-frozen, half-exhausted. Images rushed through my mind.
"I'm sorry, Miss, there's nothing we can do…" A hospital…
"Did you hear what happened?" "How's Raya feeling?" A classroom…
"We're glad you could come…" An excruciating wake…
"He was a loyal friend, who always lent a helping hand, a shoulder to cry on…" A funeral…
My eyes opened. I was still on the lake. I couldn't move my body. I felt numb, inside and out. My legs stung with pain, I was dusted with snow. I lifted myself up on my arms and rolled over. Blood had stained my jeans and the snow beneath me. My mind burned with my daydreams, screams echoed in my mind, along with sobs and wails of sorrow. I stood, fighting the pain. I squinted through the haze and looked ahead of me. There he was, standing right in front of me, hand outstretched. I stepped toward him, knees burning with pain, eyes welling with tears once again. He beckoned me forward. I cried and stepped more steadily toward him.
How is it you come to find me? I have so much I have to ask you, so much that hasn't been said…
Suddenly, the creature wailed, collapsing as I had on the shore. In an instant, he was gone again.
A memory…
NO!
I was enraged. I limped to the spot where the apparition did lay, but there was nothing. Only mist. I cursed and screamed at deception.
I have so much to tell you! How dare you tease me this way!
I sat again, fuming at my condition to play such tricks on my weary eyes. All I saw was him. The note he left for me.
"Raya,
Do not be afraid. I shall always be here…Look for me in the stars, because I cannot be what I want to be here. I cannot live my life and have others be accepting of me. I cannot live in a world where so many are accepting of me, but my own parents are not. I wanted so desperately to be a writer; business didn't suit me. My father never saw that. He would never accept it. Maybe this is what is meant to be. Maybe I wasn't meant to live. Maybe my purpose is to teach people to reach for their dreams or die trying.
I died trying.
I love you…
I recoiled on the ice. I bit at my nails, trying anything to distract me from my own thoughts.
If you loved me, you wouldn't have left me here to deal with your pain…
I scolded my mind for thinking such thoughts. But I couldn't stop them… they kept coming with rage…
If you really wanted it you would have beaten the odds for your dreams! You didn't need to die!
Why didn't you just speak your mind instead of being a coward?!
I began to sob again. The intensity was too much. My head burned and my eyes felt dry. My tears were gone, but my feelings were not. I rocked back and forth, angry at myself, angry at him, angry with God for taking him from me.
No. God didn't take him from me. He took himself, and not from me. He took himself from a world filled with criticism, a world of hate and realism. A dreamer among the downtrodden was his fate, was what kept him going until he could not. No matter how much he loved me, or anyone else, the most important thing was teaching his parents, and the world, a lesson. We will all miss him dearly…
I stood yet again, brushing the snow from my legs and front, and folded my arms, making ready to head for shore again.
In life and death, I will never forget you.
I love you.