"Wake up Pothead, we're going to the zoo!" Studly Sturdy yelled as he jumped on the counter, ran the garbage disposal and kicked on the cupboard door 7 times. Harry staggered out of the cupboard under the sink (his bedroom) and punched his cousin in his rock hard stomach. Which really did nothing as Harry's cousin was a body builder and got all the hot babes.

"Harry how can you still sleep in that vile cupboard? We have a nice bedroom all set up for you and-"

"I like my cupboard!"


"It's nice and damp and cramped and I that's where I'm staying. Besides, the light hurts my eyes."

"Fine," His Aunt Rose said. "But if you don't come out of that cupboard one day, I won't be very surprised. What with all the fumes we smell coming out of there sometimes…"

"Oh, those aren't fumes…" Harry said quickly.

Uncle Jack, a nice, fairly old man, hobbled into the kitchen.

"Rose, when is breakfast gonna be ready?"

"I don't know yet dear, we seem to be all out of bacon."

"All out of bacon? That's preposterous! We always have bacon!"

Harry snickered to himself. That night he had gotten a severe case of the munchies and had decided he needed something to eat. He hadn't realized that someone in the family would blame him, as he hated bacon.

"The boy did it! I know it! I know it!" Jack shouted.

"Calm down old man, I didn't eat your lousy bacon," Harry said angrily.

"Well," said Rose, trying to create a sense of peace, "Maybe we can find some bacon at the zoo!"

"I don't think they hand out bacon at the zoo," Studly said thoughtfully.

Harry stumbled to his cupboard and changed his clothes. Uncle Jack hobbled to the freezer to find the missing bacon.

"Jack, I all ready told you. We are out of bacon!"

"Sorry, but I have the munchies!"

"Well, maybe at the farm section of the petting zoo-"

"Mum, they don't hand out bacon at the zoo," Studly said.

"Darling, you didn't let me finish!" The Sturdy's (and Harry) climbed in to a small cramped car. Mr. Sturdy had just bought it, so none of the family (or Harry) had yet ridden in it.

"Wow! I like this car!" Harry said excitedly. "It's just like my cupboard!"

"Only your cupboard smells…" Studly mumbled under his breath.

"What did you say about my cupboard?" Harry growled, as he grabbed Studly by the shirt.

"Nothing, nothing, I swear!"

"Look children, we're almost there!"

And so they were. The Sturdy's (and Harry) clambered out of the small (cupboard like) car. Harry and Studly looked around. Harry had been to the zoo lots of times. Studly, of course, had not.

"Hey Studly, want to go to the reptile house first?" Harry asked.

"Are there reptiles in the reptile house?" Studly asked cautiously.

"No, no, no. Of course not! That's where they keep the bacon!" Harry said.

"Oh yeah, let's go there first!"

Studly followed all the signs that said 'REPTILE HOUSE, THIS WAY'. Harry of course new that Studly had an incredibly huge fear of snakes and reptiles. Studly was just about to step into the door when Harry said,

"Hang on, Studly. I want you to close your eyes and don't open them until I tell you too, okay?"

"Okay, I can do that," said Studly, closing his eyes.

Harry led him into the reptile house. He looked around for the biggest snake he could find. Harry finally found the huge boa constrictor at the very back of the reptile house. Perfect, he thought. It will take him even longer to run out now! And he'll have to pass all the other reptiles and stuff too! Harry laughed to himself.

"Okay, Studly. Open your eyes now."


"Are you trying to kill me?" He yelled as he ran out of sight (screaming some more as he passed other snakes).

"Good job, amigo."

"What? Who said that?" Harry looked around.

"It'sssss me. The sssssnake."

"Oh, you." Harry said as he turned around to look.

"Why were you ssssscaring your cousssin?"

"Because he's a stupid body builder who gets all the hot babes," Harry said bitterly.

"I used to have a brother like that. But my mother ate him. Pretty funny, actually," The snake said.

"Well, sorry but I have to go now," Harry said to the snake.

"Audiosss amigosssss,"

Harry turned around and ran out of the reptile house. That was one of the weirdest things I've ever seen! Other then that one time when the fruit in the fruit bowl started talking to me… When Harry got back to the food court, he found his cousin sitting at a table with a huge chocolate fudge sundae in front of him. Studly was shaking uncontrollably.

"Harry you liar! You said there was bacon in the reptile house," Studly said, shaking to stand up.

"There was. You passed it on your way out. I just thought you might want to meet the largest snake in the country while you were there," Harry said.

"Thanks for being so considerate, Harry," Studly said as he sat back down.

On the way out of the zoo, the Sturdy's (and Harry) passed a small ice cream stand.

"Mum, can I get an ice cream?"

"No dear, you all ready had one at lunch. It was rather large, I might add." Aunt Rose said.

"Please?" Studly whined some more.

"No," Rose said.

"May I have one, Auntie Rose?" Harry asked, as nicely as he could.

"Yes, you may Harry. Here's some money," Rose said, handing Harry a hundred-dollar bill.

"How come he gets one?" Studly asked.

"Because I didn't have a huge sundae at lunch," Harry said in a matter of fact way.

"Do you have Bloody Mary flavor?" Harry asked the ice cream man.

"Nope, but if you're lookin' for something like that, I would recommend daiquiri ice," the man said.

"Sure, I'll take that. It has booze in it right?"

"Not much, but yeah, some," The man said, handing Harry the ice cream.

Harry paid for the ice cream and the Sturdy's (and Harry) got back into the cramped (cupboard like) car. Harry sat staring out a tiny window licking his ice cream thinking about what had happened that day. I talked to a snake. I scared Studly out of his mind. I GOT AN ICE CREAM AND STUDLY DIDN'T! Hahahahaha. Harry sat there with a triumphant look on his face.

"Harry dear, are you all right?" Aunt Rose asked him.

"What? Oh yeah, I'm fine," he said happily.

Rose, thinking he was in a good mood and might actually be nice about it, she asked,

"Harry, why don't you sleep in the bed tonight?"

"WHAT? Are you insane? I would never sleep in that bed! Unless my cupboard was flooded, but even then I would try to bail it out!" Harry said loudly.

"Well then, fine I guess," Rose said, trying not to look hurt.

When they got home, the first thing Harry did was jump in his cupboard to finish his ice cream.

"Harry, what are you doing?"

"Ummm, eating my ice cream?" He said.

"Well, there is someone here to see you," Rose said.

Harry pushed open his cupboard door and stared up at the big giant that was staring back at him.

"Hey 'Arry!" The giant said in a large booming voice. This man was huge. He was wearing fine pleather and boots that were the size of Uncle Jack's small (cupboard like) car. His hair was a tangled mass with brushes stuck in it. Harry didn't quite know what to think of this guy so he said,

"Who are you and what do you want?"

"I wanted to give you this letter meself, as I 'ave never met anyone as famous so famous as you!"

"Famous? Since when am I famous?" Harry said suspiciously.

"Well, 'ave ya ever wondered how ya got that scar on yer fore'ead?"

"The Sturdy's said that some guy killed my parents in a drug deal gone wrong and then tried to kill me but he failed and this is his mark."

"Naw, don't be stupid. Yer parents got in a car crash and they died. The windshield broke and it cut you."

"So, ummm, what's your name?" Harry asked again.

"My name is Ruby Haggard. But most people just call me Haggard because Ruby is a girls name, and I ain't a girl, ya see."

"I see," Harry said raising one eyebrow.

"Now for the main reason why I came. Yer a wizard, 'Arry."

"I'm a what?"

"A wizard. Hasn't anyone ever told ya?"

"Yeah, the Sturdy's tell me all the time, but I never believed them."

"Well, yer a wizard. And this letter is an invitation to Hogfarts school of witchcraft and wizardry. The best one in the country, not to mention the only one." Haggard said, proudly.

"You expect me to go to a school for crackpots? Preposterous," Harry said.

"Now look here, Harry. You have been on the list to go to this school since you were born. Your parents were the most famous pot smokers throughout the entire school! Even better than Severed Snake. He now works as the potions master down in the dungeons." Haggard said.

"Hey, what happened to your accent?" Harry asked suspiciously.

"Hey! I don't know. But that isn't important right now. School starts in two days, so I suggest we go shopping tomorrow right away. I'll show you where you can buy things for wizards and I'll show you where you will be waiting for the bus. And we can get you a dipstick! Oh yeah, a dipstick! Choosing those are my favorite!"

"Uh-huh…" Harry said.

"Oh come on, Harry, it will be great fun! We can pretend we are princesses when we are walking down the street and we can wave to-"
"Not so much, weirdo. I guess I'll be seeing you tomorrow to go shopping." Harry said, giving Haggard a look that an average teenager would give you.

"Okay, eight o'clock in the morning sharp! It's a date girlfriend!"

Harry slammed his cupboard closed. What an idiot! I can't believe he wants to be a princess. He's way too big to be a princess…

"Harry, that was the worst display of courtesy I have ever seen. Tonight, I am FORCING you to sleep in the bedroom. And if you refuse, then Studly will help you up there, won't you Studly?" Aunt Rose looked over at Studly who was flexing his huge body builder muscles.

"Fine, fine. I'll sleep in your stupid bedroom," Harry said, squinting his eyes and sticking out his tongue at Studly and Aunt Rose. They both walked off together. Harry thought, They are so unfair! This is like the worst day of my life! He grabbed all of his stuff and brought it up to the bedroom. He walked in and thought he had died and gone to... Well, I won't even go there. The smell of cinnamon air freshner was overpowering.

"Well, what do you think?" Aunt Rose asked.

"I think it's the most awful room in the entire house and that if I sleep here I'll die because there is too much space and the light hurts my eyes!" Harry said angrily.

"Well, that is just to bad for you, isn't it?" Aunt Rose said in a mock sweet voice.

She slammed the door shut. Harry was left alone in this sweet smelling room which was now his for the night. God dangit. I hate this room. I hate this place. I hate it soooo much! Harry decided that dinner that night (what dinner? Did I write anything about dinner?) hadn't been enough, so he got up off the sweet smelling bed and walked down stairs to the kitchen to make some bacon (they had bought some, amazingly enough, at the zoo).