2This was a comic script I wrote, hoping to team up with a friend of mine. Unfortunately, the drawing aspect fell through; what we're left with is a script meant as a simple vehicle to play around with the comic format.
Fowl Play
by andrew adams
(This panel takes up most, if not all, of the page) We open up to show a gigantic, swarming crowd of penguins holding a protest in front of the Arctic headquarters. We see the crowd, more than anything else, maybe a sign for the headquarters rather than the building itself. One prominent penguin in the foreground has a sign that reads: 'Eat Mor Chikin!' Others include, 'Free Feathers!' and 'End Global Warming!' and 'Stop Freeing Willy!'
And then, in those little boxes of narration (you know what I mean), somebody starts talking.
Narrator: It was a pretty normal day in the Antarctic. There was a little bit of snow, a nice boost in the Sno-Kone stock on Gull Street, some PWA Activists (Penguins Win Again) had started a protest outside City Hall, and the government had fouled up royally. Again.
CUT TO:
We're inside the headquarters, a gigantic building made with almost medieval architecture, but all carved out of ice. A fat penguin dressed as a security guard is sitting in a seat and reading a magazine called 'Big Hooters.' Beside him, a smaller, thinner penguin is staring at him silently. He's got on a white collar. He's a priest. And then:
Priest: Nice magazine.
Guard: You wanna peek?
And then he takes a good look at the stranger before him.
Guard: You the priest?
Priest: Yup.
He throws the magazine behind him, as if it were never there.
Guard: We read only the holiest of holy periodicals here. Sir.
Priest: I want to know why I was called in.
Guard: Try Room 205.
The priest moves on and comes to a metal detector. Another guard is waiting for him there. He's reading 'Big Peckers.'
Priest: Excuse me, can you tell me-
Guard 2: Empty out your pockets and all metal devices, please.
Priest: I don't... have...
Guard 2: Are you now, or will you ever be, planning to blow up city hall?
Priest: No.
Guard 2: Kill the mayor?
Priest: No.
Guard 2: Eat an eskimo?
Priest: No.
Guard 2: Alright, head on through.
The priest walks down an empty hall and reaches room 205. He pushes it open with his wing and enters – it's a lab room, and one of the walls is made out of a sheet of clear ice, almost as if they were on the other side of a modern interrogation room, looking through tinted glass. A penguin in a trench coat and glasses that magnify its eyes ten-fold is at the station. He's a scientist named Larry.
Larry: Oh, hello, are you the priest?
Priest: Yes.
Larry: Hi, I'm Larry.
Priest: Satan.
Pause.
Larry: Father Satan?
Priest: No. Sa-tán. It's Russian.
Larry: You're Russian?
Priest: Call me Priest.
Larry: Alright, Priest. Let me show you what you're here for.
Larry pushes a button on the console and a screen falls – suddenly the two are staring straight at a possessed penguin, giant demon wings unfurled, beak sharp and curled and bloody, wings that form claws, and evil, evil eyes.
Priest: holy shit.
Pause.
Larry: Did you just say 'shit?'
Priest: Of course not.
Larry: No, you did! You said 'holy shit.'
Priest: No I didn't.
Larry: Yes you did!
Priest: No. It was Russian.
Larry: Was not!
Priest: Was too!
Larry: Was not!
Priest: Fine! Yes! I said 'HOLY SHIT!'
Larry: You're a priest! You can't say 'shit!'
Priest: Well, it's holy, ain't it?
The demon-penguin, dumbfounded, roars at Larry and Priest through the glass. They stop bickering.
Larry: He's hungry. SEND IN THE FEEDERS!
Larry pushes a button.
Priest: So, tell me, why exactly am I here?
Larry: Isn't it obvious?
In the adjoining room, a door slides open and a buff, meaty penguin slips in. He waddles forward slowly, and the demon-penguin watches with a slow growl. He's drooling. The feeder slips a tray onto the ground.
Priest: What do you feed something like that?
Larry: Activists.
And then the demon reaches out, grabs the feeder, and pulls him into its mouth. There's a loud crunch.
Priest: My God... What is it?
Larry: That's our president, Priest.
Priest: What?
Larry: It's true. That's Mr. Shrub.
Priest: What?
Larry: You knew you were called in for an exorcism, didn't you?
Priest: Wait, which ones Shrub? The possessed penguin, or the one possessing?
Pause.
Larry: That's top secret.
Priest: But-
Larry: Shut up and exorcize.
Priest: I've got just the thing.
CUT TO:
Priest is in the room with the demon, backed up against the wall and screaming.
Priest: HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!
Larry: How ya doin' in there?
Priest: THIS WAS A BAD IDEA!
The demon-penguin roars and swipes at Priest, who ducks just in time.
Larry: Do your thing, Priest! Do your thing!
Priest holds out one fin and covers his eyes with the other.
Priest: Deeeeeeeeemons, COME OUT!
The demon-penguin stops, pauses, confused. Priest turns to him.
Priest: Alright. Thank you. Let's get started. Now, one hand up and out. One foot up, down, other up, down. Good, good. And bend those abs and bend those abs and bend them, bend them, BEND THEM, BITCH!
CUT TO:
The guard with the hooters magazine is reading. Suddenly his desk shakes. He pauses. His desk shakes again. He stops.
Guard: What is that?
CUT TO:
The headquarters have erupted, and a penguin is screaming into the reader.
Penguin: The Flexorcizing failed!
(JUSTIN NOTE: Flexorcism?)
Screams erupt. Behind him, the demon-penguin is erupting out of the building. It stomps on a crowd of penguins, crushing them, and then steps with his other foot.
Meanwhile, a guard is speaking into his walkie-talkie.
Guard: Unleash the secret weapon!
CUT TO:
An army major penguin is talking into another walkie-talkie, with some soldiers around him.
Major: Roger that. We'll fly it over pronto.
He puts away the walkie-talkie and turns to his men.
Major: Alright, guys, get ready to fly over the secret weapon!
Random Soldier: Uh, sir? We're flightless birds.
Silence.
CUT TO:
A group of penguins are toting a gigantic box, almost four times the size of each one of them, across the Arctic tundra, almost as if they were going to construct a pyramid out of it. On the side of the box, in big letters, it says: SECRET WEAPON. DO NOT TELL.
Random Soldier: Curse you, Darwin!
CUT TO:
Three penguins are talking, two adults and a little girl.
Penguin One: No no no, you miss the point. It's a much deeper than that. It's a...
Suddenly the demon penguin swoops down and snatches up the listening penguin. They disappear. The little girl is shocked.
Penguin One: Honey, it's impolite to stare. Anyway, as I was saying, "Oops I Did It Again" is about more than doing it again...
Suddenly the foot stomps down on him.
The little girl cheers.
CUT TO:
Priest is looking out a window, Larry by his side. Outside, the demon-penguin is stomping all over the crowd. There's blood and gore everywhere.
Larry: Reinforcements are on the way, but we need to hold it off!
Priest: What're we going to do?
Larry: I don't know, this is your fault!
Priest: Hold on, I've got an idea!
He pulls out a canteen.
Larry: What is that?
Priest: Holy water.
Larry: Oh, excellent, will it burn him?
Priest: Not really. I just don't want to die thirsty.
Priest lifts the bottle to drink.
Larry: Give me that!
He takes the bottle and starts to drink. The next few panels are the same picture, but with more light gradually filtered in until it's almost a white box. All you can see in them is Priest.
Priest: Larry...?
Larry: What?
Priest: Why are you glowing?
CUT TO:
The headquarter ceiling pops open and Larry stands up, now with incredible angel wings. The penguins scream.
Random Penguin: Oh my God, there's two of them!
Other Penguin: Hold on, I've got a gun!
Random Penguin: Shoot one!
Other Penguin: But I've only got one bullet!
Random Penguin: I don't care! Just shoot one!
POW!
Larry falls to the ground, in front of Priest, who just stares at the limp angel-penguin.
Priest: And God looked upon his creations and he cringed. Halle-frickin-lujah.
CRACK!
Suddenly the ice begins to split beneath the weight of Larry's body, and a gigantic rift opens up, spreading more and more until it hits the demon-penguin and splits the ground beneath its feet. Ice flies up and the penguin topples over backwards, into the water, until only it's foot is sticking out. Nothing moves.
Priest: Did I do that?
Suddenly, in the distance, the secret weapon appears over a hill.
Major: (Calling from a distance, same panel showing the box, can't even tell it's the major, really) Open her up!
A rope is pulled and the front of the box is yanked open. Inside, there's nothing but blackness. And then a piece of corn flies out of the darkness, through the air, and lands on the foot. It's a tiny, regular piece of corn on the cob, but with eyes, a mouth, and arms. The penguins look at it, amazed.
Somebody in the crowd: He killed it!
Crowd: All hail KING CORN!
CUT TO:
Priest is guarding a throne of ice, the corn sitting above him and looking out over his kingdom. He's become king.
Narration: And thus began the reign of the Cob Kingdom.
King Korn: Corn corn corn, corn corn, corn, corn corn!
Narration: It could have been worse. The Secret Weapon could have been a Playmate.
END