Life In General

A tale from the "Sex, Death, and Starshine" universe

by Giovanni Pogliano, Andrew Steeves, and Bryan Riley

Based on true stories

Opening credits to the tune of "Guerella Radio" by Rage Against The Machine.

SCENE I

At Andrew's dad's house. A party is going on. All the girls are sitting in a room with Juan. He is a tall kid wearing a Pokémon T-shirt, cargos, and a Nike baseball cap. Even though his name is Juan, he is very white and not Hispanic in any way. Pause.

Brianna: Sooo...you're Andrew's friend from outside of school. Juan Schader, right?

Juan: Yeah.

Pause. The girls seem to be silently drawing straws to decide who will ask the question that has been floating over their heads since they met him several minutes ago.

Brianna: ...So what's with the shirt?

Juan: Just for shock value. I love seeing the faces of people who see me wearing this at school. You didn't really think I was a Pokéfreak, did you?

Pause.

Sam: ...Yes.

Juan: Whatever.

Suddenly, Andrew pops out with a toy machine gun which makes a loud gatling noise, and shoots it at all of the girls. Surprised, they scream and fall back.

Andrew: You girls are such wimps.

He shows them that the machine gun is a toy as he cocks it.

Andrew: Lock and load.

Juan laughs.

Tierney: Oh my God Andrew, you scared me.

Tiffany: Yeah, why do you have to be such a jerk?

Andrew: Evolution made me so.

Tiffany: Idiot. Evolution is an idiot.

Andrew: Yeah, okay. Anyway, remember that phone call you wanted me to make earlier?

Tiffany: The one to 1-800-96-Jerry?

Andrew: Yes. I've decided to call it, but we have to use the phone in the basement. You know... It would be embarrassing to call from here.

Tiffany(excited): Okay.

SCENE II

Andrew, Tiffany and Sam are in the basement.

Andrew: Hey Tiffany, you dial.

Tiffany: Why?

Andrew: I won't call if you don't dial.

Sam: Okay...but you have to pretend to be a transvestite.

Andrew: Fine.

Tiffany picks up the phone and dials. As she does, Andrew runs up and locks the door to the basement with a chain lock.

Andrew: That was fun.

Juan: Hey Andrew, wanna play Super Smash Brothers?

Andrew: Sure.

They walk into the TV room where Bryan and Chu are waiting.

Andrew: I'm Kirby.

Chu: No way, I'm Kirby.

Juan: It doesn't matter who you guys are, I'm still gonna beat ya.

Bryan: What's so special about Kirby?

Chu: He can suck people into his mouth and steal their powers.

Andrew: Don't worry Chu, we can both be Kirby.

Bryan: I wonder what happens if you two suck each other at the same time.

Pause.

Andrew: Ewww.

Chu: Dude... that's sick.

Juan: Dmmit Andrew, You have sick friends.

Bryan: This is true. I wanna be Donkey Kong.

Juan: I'll be Mario.

They start playing the game.

Juan: Who's the monkey?

Bryan: Chu is.

Juan: Well I'm gonna catch that monkey...and I'm gonna beat it.

Pause.

Andrew: Ewww.

Chu: Dude, that's sick.

Bryan: Dmmit Andrew, you have sick friends.

They continue playing the game.

Juan: Hey Andrew, isn't your class supposed to go on some sort of retreat thing?

Andrew: Oh yeah, "The Tyme Out Center". It's for sex ed.

Bryan: Heh heh...sex.

Andrew: Yeah... We'll be in the hands of people who spell time with a Y.

Jon: Well, maybe it won't be that bad.

Andrew: Didn't you look at the info booklet? It reads like prison rules. Besides, I thought you didn't like their kind.

Jon: What kind?

Andrew: Man, you really didn't read it! One of the first words there is in there is "Catholic".

The word plays back three times and each time brings a cut closer to Jon's face in an expression of sudden horrified realization.

SCENE III

Over at the stereo in the living room. All the boys are in there. All the girls are in the TV room, talking while Super Smash Brothers is on pause with no one playing it.

Andrew: Dude...

Andrew grabs the soundtrack to "South Park: Bigger, Longer, And Uncut" and puts it in the player.

Kyle: Man, what are you doing?

Andrew: Just switching it...to track...two...

Kyle: Two?

He looks at the song list. Short pause. He starts laughing hilariously and doubles over. Andrew presses play, and "Unclefa" plays. In the TV room. The girls are talking. One by one, they go silent. Eventually, all are listening in wonderment at the song.

Tierney: What is this?

Tiffany: My God, that's sick.

SCENE IV

Pause. The TV room is empty. Suddenly, all the boys stampede in.

Andrew: I call Kirby!

Chu: I get Pikachu.

Bryan: Pika-Chu Akebezu!

Chu: Shut up.

Gordy: I get DK. He's big, and he's strong. You don't fck with the DK.

Jon: Does that mean that Juan can't have DK?

Andrew: No, he just gets a DK that's got blue fur.

Juan: Alright! I get my big blue monkey!

Jon: Isn't that a very very vague sexual euphemism?

All: Ewww...

SCENE V

Andrew enters the TV room with four tapes.

Andrew: Alright, you slugs, it's time to pick a movie to watch. We've got four choices. "The Matrix", "Enemy Of The State", "My Best Friend's Wedding", or "The Princess Bride".

Jon: "My Best Friend's Wedding", what the hll?

Andrew: What's wrong with "My Best Friend's Wedding"?

Bryan: Quit saying "My Best Friend's Wedding" over there.

Andrew: Shut up. So what is your problem?

Jon: Fg!

Andrew: What?

Jon: I need a fg. That's English slang for cigarette. I'm addicted. I can't help it.

Andrew: Fck you. We're watching "The Princess Bride". I took a vote.

Juan: And it won? Inconceivable!

SCENE VI

Andrew's dad comes into the TV room.

Dad: Okay, everybody out. We've got a restricted bedtime around here, so get movin'. Kyle, Jon, Andrew. You're in his room. The rest of you sleep in the living room.

Jon (to Andrew): Man, that's so weird.

Andrew: What?

Jon: We got all the insomniacs in one room!

SCENE VII

There is one light on in Andrew's room. Jon is lying on a cot, Andrew is in the bottom bunk of a bunk bed, and an inert form, Kyle, is on the top bunk.

Andrew: I think he's asleep.

A light is turned on.

Andrew: So, what should we talk about?

Jon: I dunno. How about the script?

Andrew: Ohh, the script... But...we're writing it at school, and except for proofreading, we're pretty much done.

Jon: Really? Man, is that all that happened that summer?

Andrew: I guess.

Jon: Man, we grew up too quick. We're writing about things that happened a year and a half ago, and we swear and crap as much as we do now. That's kinda freaky.

Andrew: Yeah. I mean, that was 1998. In July. Now it's 1999. In November. and look at us. We haven't changed. We haven't matured. We're just like we were then.

Jon: Not completely. I mean, we're bigger. I bet Ross couldn't jck off as much as he does now.

Andrew: Yeah. It seems like he does that at every party we go to.

Jon: Yeah. But he's a good guy. Annoying and hrny, but at heart, a good guy. But I mean really. We were just as hilarious as we are now, too.

Andrew: Yeah.

Jon: Well, that's not quite true either. We've kind of grown and matured. Bryan used to have all his jokes taken directly from "The Simpsons". Now, they're just visible influences. And remember when I used to write farces of songs, like Weird Al Yankovic?

Andrew: Oh yeah. Remember "Nazi Boy"?

Both (singing to the tune of "Barbie Girl"): I'm a Nazi boy, I'm a Nazi, oy!, life under the Swastika, it's fantaastica, you can brush my boots, be careful, I might shoo-oo-oot,-

Jon (no longer singing): Blah blah blah. I forget the rest.

Pause.

Andrew: So, we finished the one about the flood, so what's next?

Jon: How the hell should I know?

Pause.

Jon: But really. Hey, I know one thing that's definitely changed.

Andrew: What?

Jon: Bryan, John, Gordo and the guys aren't talking about Bridget's nose anymore.

Andrew: Ohh yeaah.

Jon: I thought that would go on forever. You like see them as old men, talking on a porch with rocking chairs. Bryan's like "her nose is like Puff Daddy. It has it's own posse that it uses to beat up that editor from The Source that gave it a bad review. John's all like "my heart, my heart!"

Jon clutches his chest and falls off the cot. They hear footsteps.

Andrew: Dude, shh!

He turns out the light. The footsteps recede. They wait a while longer.

Andrew: I think that was like...Bryan or someone going downstairs. Wait here while I go check.

Andrew goes downstairs and sees Juan starting up Tony Hawk's Pro Skater.

Andrew (to Juan): I'm in.

Juan: Man, you have some weird friends.

Andrew: Yeah.

Andrew looks at Juan's shirt

Andrew: Dude, I have an idea.

Juan: What?

Andrew: Pokéskaters.

Pause.

Juan: Okay...

Andrew: Chad Muska! I choose you!

Juan: Chad Muska aye? I know his weakness! Kareem Campbell! Go!

They proceed to play the game.

Andrew: Muska, kickflip attack, Now!

Juan: Kareem, respond with indy grab, Now!

Andrew's Dad (from upstairs): Shut up! Go to bed!

Pause

Andrew (whispering): Chad Muska, return.

Juan (whispering): Kareem Campbell, return.

Andrew goes back to the bedroom.

Andrew: How's Trey doing?

Jon: Dude Andrew, his name is Kyle, not Trey.

Andrew: Well, his handle is Kyre Trey, so I call him Trey.

Pause.

Jon: Calling him by his handle...have you any life?

Andrew: Shut up.

Jon: He's okay, he loaded up on pills. He took five Advil, two Aspirin, three doses of Children's Tylenol, and, so I was sure he wouldn't go insane, a handful of Ritalin.

Pause.

Andrew: Great. We don't have to worry of him dying of a migraine, he'll die of a drug overdose.

Jon: What if that happened?

Andrew: (shivers)

Jon: Wouldn't that suck if he died at your house during a party?

Andrew: Shut up. I don't want to think about it.

Kyle: Oouugh...

Jon: Listen to him. It's as if he's always wheezing his last breath.

Andrew: Shut up man, that is not cool.

Jon: But you know what will be cool in several minutes...Kyle's dead body! It'll be cold and hard from rigor mortis!

Andrew hits Jon over the head with a portable submarine game lying on the desk next to his bed and he's out like a light. Pause.

Andrew: Well, at least he won't have to worry about his insomnia tonight.

SCENE VIII

Jon, his dad, his dad's girlfriend, Eileen Schneider, and her son, Mark, are at the kitchen table. The information on Tyme Out is there too.

Dad: It's Catholic?

Jon: Yeah.

Dad: Well I don't like this place one bit.

Mark: I know. I used to be in a religious school.

Jon: What, did you burn the place down?

Eileen: No, I took him out.

Mark: I remember it was like an army regiment. We stood in a perfectly straight line, and if we talked while we were in the line the teacher would pull us out and beat us with a stick.

Dad: Yeah. I don't want to pay a bunch of money to have you pushed around. I want you to have fun.

Jon: That's the catch. You don't have to pay anything. We earned it all from pizza lunch fundraiser.

Dad: Hm. Okay, I want to read these rules so you hear them and understand and decide whether you want to go.

Jon: Okay. And we can make fun of them, too.

Mark: Yes!

Dad: The Tyme Out Center: a weekend crossed out, two-day written in, retreat for Junior High girls crossed out, students written in. Rules and regulations. Number one: alcohol, illegal drugs, and weapons.

Mark: Yeah, all illegal narcotics aren't allowed but the legal ones are!

Eileen: Honey, I think they mean pharmecuticals.

Mark: Oh well. Go on, Jake.

Dad: The use of alcohol, other intoxicants, and the possession of weapons and/or ammunition, are strictly prohibited at (yelling) Tyme Out!

All: (laughter)

Jon: Lemee see that. Whoa! It is yelling! It's in capitals!

Mark: Kinda like that super-Christian anti-Halloween brochure we found discarded in the grassy area at the side of the road. There's all this stuff in capitals, it's like it's yelling. "You could not celebrate Halloween without the (yelling) witch!"

Jon: I know why I was wussy during Halloween because I did research and learned that (yelling) beneath Halloween's candy coating is a history of diabolical evil!

Mark: (yelling) Realize (caring and happy) that God loves you.

Jon: That scary part of Halloween always gave me "the creeps".

As Jon says "the creeps", he makes little quotation marks with his fingers.

Mark: The truth is, millions of people, and likely your kids, will be exposed to the seemingly endless string of TV programs, videos, community and church activities that (yelling) glorify mutilation, torture, (normal) and (yelling) bizarre murders (normal) this Halloween.

All: (laugh)

Dad: Number two: dorms. Girls are never allowed in the boys' dorms nor the boys in the girls' dorms. No one is to leave their dormitory area after lights out.

Jon: "But I really, really have to go!" "No! Get back in your bed you little sinner! How dare you need to take a pss in God's house!"

Dad: Food and beverage is not allowed in the dorms. Pillow fights are not allowed.

Jon: Aw, man! Now I can't hide a brick in my pillow.

Mark: (laughs)

Dad: Please turn lights off when leaving dorm area. Number three: fire slash tornado safety.

Jon: Oh, that'll happen.

Mark: "I take it all back! I love you, God!"

Eileen & Mark: (laugh)

Dad: In case of fire, use the nearest exit and report to your group leader on the basketball court.

Jon: That way, we'll enjoy a nice, healthy game of basketball before we die.

Dad: In case of tornado warning, report to the cafeteria.

Mark: Same thing.

Dad: Number four, security. Enter and leave the buildings by the assigned doors only. Outside doors are never to be propped open. For your safety, all exits will be (voice turns menacing) locked (normal) at bedtime.

Jon: "Fire! We gotta get out!" "I can't! The door's locked!"

Mark: Wasn't there a fire in an enclosed space in "Carrie"?

Jon: And it was Christian and it happened in a basketball court!

Mark: Eeek! Man, that's creepy.

Jon: Or what if they're trapping us in there to kill us?

Mark: "Who's that?" (does the "Psycho" shower scene music) "Aaah! It's Nunman Bates!"

Jon: "Mother, no!"

Eileen: Aren't they Sisters now?

Jon: That isn't as funny.

Dad: Okay, back to the rules. Number five: off-limits.

Jon: Ooh yipee.

Dad: Each group is restricted to the areas of the building assigned for it's use.

Jon: Oh, yeah. They like put us in these tiny little boxes and just tell us to stay.

Dad: Off-limits areas include:-

Jon (in Bryan voice): My ss!

Mark (in Beavis voice): Titicaca!

Dad: The other center, the residents' living areas, the neighboring properties, woods, and fields-

Mark: "I'm going to escape to the woods!"

Jon: You like break a window like in "One Flew Over The Cuckoos' Nest".

Mark: Then wouldn't the crazy Tyme Out snipers shoot you?

Dad: -and all cars, including your own. If you are seen in your car during the retreat, your keys will be taken away.

Mark: Now I'm even more convinced they're going to kill us!

Jon: They can't do that. Can they do that?

Dad: Well my point was, how many Junior High students have cars? All normal stuff so far, you all know this. Now here's where it gets really ridiculous. Number six: smoking, gambling.

Mark: Uh oh.

Dad: Tyme Out is a smoke-free facility. You are reminded that Wisconsin state law prohibits minors from smoking.

Jon: Thanks for telling us. I didn't know!

Dad: Designated smoking areas for those of age to smoke are the east gym steps and the bench outside Tyme Out II. Please dispose of butts in the containers provided. Absolutely no smoking is allowed in front of the building.

Mark: Snobs.

Jon: "How dare you take a smoke in front of God's house!"

Dad: Chewing tobacco and gambling are not allowed.

Mark (like a hillbilly): (tobacco spitting noise) Well gosh darn it.

Jon: No gambling? Well I guess Andrew's out.

Dad: Number seven: meals. Because all meals are served family style, it is important to be on time. Your meal times are: the letter b, then a fill-in, the letter l, a fill-in, the letter d, a fill-in. So you feeding times are b, l, and d.

Mark: My, how descriptive. B, l, d.

Jon: We're having BLTs?

Dad: Everyone shares with the table serving and clean-up. Thank hyphen you for helping with whatever task you are assigned.

Mark: Why are they thanking us? We haven't done anything.

Dad: Number eight: soda, cans, recyclable. No food or drink is allowed in the meeting room, chapel, or gym.

Jon: "How dare you ingest liquid in God's house!"

Mark: You in my house now boy!

Dad: Be very careful when drinking soda not to leave open cans where they may be knocked over. Deposit all recyclables in the containers marked for them, both indoors and out.

Jon: I can do that.

He tosses and empty soda can behind him and it rolls to a stop on the floor.

Dad: Jon, pick that up.

Jon: Ohh, but what's wrong with where it is?

Dad: Pick it up.

Jon picks it up.

Dad: Number nine: Pillows, beanbags, carpeted benches, pianos. The Tyme Out center is provided with many pillows and beanbags for your comfort. Do not move these from one room to another; each room has a generous supply. Do not throw the pillows or jump on the beanbags.

Jon: Awww...they won't let you have any fun.

Dad: Exactly. Do not stand on the carpeted benches. The piano in meeting room one is to be used only by trained pianists. The rec room pianos can be used by anyone.

Pause.

Mark: And the odds that a trained pianist will attend this place is?

Dad: Nil. Number ten: damage.

Jon: Here we go.

Dad: Your group will be held financially responsible for any damage to our building or property. The building was checked for damage before your arrival, however, if you notice any problem at the beginning of your stay, please report it immediately.

Jon: Sure. I'll report it, instead of making it worse. Right.

Dad: There will be extra charges if excess clean-up is needed, i.e. wax spillage, toothpaste or shaving cream smeared on walls.

Mark: Talk about overcharging! Sht! Besides, what are the chances of that? "Ooh, I have shaving cream, let's smear it on the walls!"

Jon: "Okay, that'll be forty dollars for the stay, and three hundred extra for cleanup of that wax you spilled on the table."

Dad: Number twelve-

Eileen: What about number eleven?

Dad: (with a laugh) There is none.

Jon: Because eleven is the number of Satan!

Mark: "How dare you say eleven in God's house!"

Dad: Gym and outdoor activities. No food or drink is allowed in the gym.

Jon: Right.

Dad: Kicking balls and hard throwing are not allowed.

Jon: Understandable.

Dad: No slam dunking or hanging on baskets.

Jon: Of course.

Dad: According to a local ordinance, Tyme Out participants are not allowed to be outside after eleven P.M.

Jon: Say wha?

Dad: That's what it says. Eleven P.M.

Jon: Why?

Mark: Because eleven is the number of Satan!

Dad: Please do not throw snowballs anywhere near the buildings or cars. Playing in the snow is allowed on the open field.

Jon: Hooray! We'll all play in the snow!

Dad: Number thirteen: cell phones and pagers are not allowed.

Jon: That's the title?

Dad: Well the title is underlined. The underline stops at pagers, but it's still on the same line. Anyway, please turn these in to your group leader at this time. They will be returned at the end of the retreat.

Mark: Yeah, sure, we'll trust the Christians with our cell phones.

Jon: I'll bet they're Amish. "How dare you live in the modern world in God's house! Religion is only for those who live in the 1800s! Begone!"

Dad: Number fourteen: consideration.

Mark and Jon: (laughing hilariously)

Dad: Listen. While you are at Tyme Out, we expect: respect for the adult leaders who are giving their time to serve you on this retreat.

Jon: Oh, yeah, like they're not getting paid.

Dad: Respect for the rights and needs of the other members of your group, especially their need for a good night's sleep. Respect for the other users and occupants of the building, especially after eleven P.M. Respect for the building and property. Your group is expected to leave your retreat space as neat and clean as you found it. Number fifteen: dismissal. We reserve the right to dismiss any participant who shows extreme negativity, rudeness, or disruptive behavior.

Jon: What? I'll get kicked out for sure! I'm negative, which is no crime, but the "happy happy, if you're not happy you worship the devil" crowd seems to think it is! I'll say something and they'll interpret it as rudeness when it's just an opinion, and every time I'll say something a little controversial, it's disruptive and not my fault but the fault of those who argue with me and make a scene.

Pause.

Eileen: So, would you have liked to go, Mark?

Dad: Well, never mind that, Jon, would you?

Jon: Mmm, only if the others are going. Besides, I probably won't go anyway. When Mom sees this, she'll get all liberal.

Dad: Mm. Well, think about it.

Eileen: Well, the two of us are going to turn in. You can stay up as long as you want, it's Friday. Goodnight.

They leave. Pause.

Jon: Like we'd get any sleep now what with the (impersonating sex noises) "oh oh oh".

Mark: (laughs) So, you really think she'll let you go?

Jon: No way.

SCENE IX

At Jon's mom's house.

Jon: You'll let me go?

Mom: I think it may be a good experience for you. Why? Jon...what's wrong?

SCENE X

Andrew, his sister, and his mom are at an Italian restaurant that is festively decorated with holiday things. "Pink" by Aerosmith plays in the background. An automated reindeer is off in a corner.

Andrew: Man, why did we have to go Italian tonight?

Carrie: What do you feel like Andrew?

Pause.

Andrew: Steak.

Andrew's mom: Well, too bad.

Pause. Andrew looks around and finally his eyes settle on the reindeer.

Andrew: (laughs)

Carrie: What's so funny?

Andrew: Look at that reindeer.

The reindeer, with a Santa riding on its back, raises its head and moves it down. It's head moves down slowly at first, then suddenly it jerks down the rest of the way.

Andrew: Santa's really pushing Rudolph hard this Christmas.

Carrie: It looks like he's snapping it's neck.

Andrew's mom: That's the problem with today's youth, they would rather look at a Santa brutalizing his own transportation then talk to their mother

Andrew (leaning against his mom): I love you Mom.

He reaches into his mother's purse and takes out her lip liner. Pause. Andrew starts tipping his mom's chair, trying to get out.

Andrew's mom: Andrew, use your words.

Andrew: Okay. Mom, can you stay still while I do this?

Andrew's mom sighs and moves her chair out. As Andrew is on his way to the bathroom, he takes a napkin from the table. In the bathroom, he writes a message on the napkin with the lip liner and folds it up. As he returns to his seat, he puts the message on the serving board of one of the waitresses.

Andrew's mom: That was quick.

A waitress comes up to the table.

Waitress: Are you ready to order?

Carrie: Sure, I'll have the-

Suddenly, a police squad bursts in and goes to the table next to Andrew's. The table has a man, a woman, and a sixteen year old sitting at it.

Officer: Ma'am, Sir, you'll have to come with me.

Teenager: What the hll is going on?

Officer: Don't worry son, everything will be okay.

Carrie: What happened?

Waitress: Apparently, those two people have kidnapped that child.

Andrew's mom: How do they know?

Waitress: The kid managed to sneak a help letter written in lip liner.

Andrew sneaks the lip liner back in his mom's purse under the table and ignores the incident happening next to him.

Andrew's mom: That's terrible. C'mon kids, let's go somewhere else.

They get up and leave.

Andrew: How about Ponderosa?

SCENE XI

The school. Andrew and Jon are in the basement grotto, talking.

Jon: I hope Bryan is coming. It might teach him to suck women, not cucumbers.

Andrew: Oh yeah, I remember that!

Flashback to couple months ago. Andrew, Jon, and Bryan are making a mixed tape in the daycare room.

Andrew (loudly): Hmm, what does go on in my head? I wonder. Boy am I hungry. You know, if Andy had bigger ears, he'd look just like Ross Perot. Ha ha ha, ha.

Bryan: Andrew, put some emotion into it.

Jon: Heh, yeah, you suck at acting.

Andrew: I'm sorry, I can't laugh when I don't want to.

Bryan: I can make you laugh, just look at me when you need to.

Andrew turns around, then turns back and looks at Bryan without warning. Pause. Bryan is doing nothing funny.

Andrew (fakes laughing): Ha ha, you're so fat.

Bryan: Hey, that wasn't what I was talking about. Besides, big people have feelings too.

Jon: You know, Andrew, it's all muscle.

Andrew rewinds the cassette and starts again

Andrew (loudly): Hmm, what does go on in my head? I wonder. Boy am I hungry. You know, if Andy had bigger ears, he'd look just like Ross Perot.

He looks at Bryan, who appears to be making out with a baby doll.

Andrew: (laughs hysterically)

Jon: Keep going.

Andrew: I wish Winnie Cooper would go out with me.

Andrew turns to Bryan, who is licking the babydoll.

Andrew (with a laugh): Oh, God, Bryan.

Jon: Dude, that's disgusting and unsanitary. Hey, here's some disinfectant.

Jon brings over some Dawn and seems to be pretending to squirt it on the doll. Some Dawn comes out and hits it. Bryan is shocked and drops the doll. Another spurt hits him in the pant leg.

Bryan: Fck! You fck sht!

Jon: What the fck-the fck-the fcking bottle is open! What kind of fckhead leaves a bottle of disinfectant open?

Bryan: Fcker!

Bryan hits Jon hard on the back with the doll.

Jon: Ow! Bryan you fcker that hurts like a fcking btch! Fck fck!

Bryan: Well that's what you mother fck fcking get!

Jon: Fck this, I'm outta here!

Jon leaves the room and slams the door. He goes back to the classroom and works in a workbook angrily. Someone taps him on the shoulder. Jon looks up. It's Andrew.

Jon: What the-

Andrew: Jon, we need you.

Jon: What the hll do you need me for?

Andrew: Believe me, you'll perk up like Bryan did when you hear what happened.

Mrs. Piper: Gentlemen, you're disturbing the class. Please converse outside the classroom.

Jon and Andrew are walking down the halls.

Jon: So what's this thing that'll make me laugh?

Andrew: We recorded it.

Jon: What?

Andrew: We recorded it all. The whole incident.

Jon: (laughs hilariously)

Cut to the daycare room. They are all listening to the tape. Bryan has washed his pants and there is now a huge wet spot.

Bryan (on tape): Fck! You fck Sht!

Jon (on tape): What the fck-the fck-the fcking bottle is open! What kind of fckhead leaves a bottle of disinfectant open?

Bryan (on tape): Fcker!

A loud slap is heard on the tape.

Jon (on tape): Ow! Bryan you fcker-

All: (start laughing so loud that the tape is now like a background noise)

Bryan (on tape): God, what a fcknut.

Running water heard on tape.

Andrew (on tape): Wha-heh-Bry-Bryan.

Bryan (on tape): What?

Andrew (on tape): The tape is recording.

Andrew and Bryan (on tape): (growing laughter)

The recording stops. Pause. '80s rock is heard on the tape. Andrew presses stop.

Andrew: Well, I guess we'll be saving this. We'll have to use the other side.

Bryan: Okay, I'll get something to make you laugh.

Andrew: Hmm, what does go on inside my head? Boy am I hungry. You know, if Andy had bigger ears, he'd look just like Ross Perot.

Andrew turns around. Bryan is holding a plastic cucumber to his crotch. Andrew laughs.

Andrew: I wish Winny Cooper would go out with me.

He switches it with a plastic 3-pack of hotdogs. Andrew laughs.

Andrew: Ha ha ha, I am Gildar, I own your soul. No! Yes. Noo! Yes. Nooo! ...Yes.

Bryan starts sucking the cucumber.

Jon: Umm, dude, you can stop now.

Bryan: Come here Jon.

Jon: (Slowly backing away) Umm, are you okay?

Bryan: I'm fine.

Pause. Suddenly, Bryan jumps at Jon.

Bryan: Come here Jonny!

Jon: Noo!

Andrew (in Gildar voice): ...Yes.

Bryan chases Jon for awhile. Jon jumps on his side on the platform in the room and busts his knee. He holds it in pain. Bryan grabs him and forces the cucumber in his mouth.

Jon: Blaugh!

Bryan lets go and tosses the cucumber in the sink. Jon lies limply.

Andrew: Dude, that is not cool. He might get mono!

Jon (weakly): See, Andrew? All muscle.

Jon's head drops like he's dead. Back to the grotto.

Jon and Andrew: (laughing)

A thin, middle-aged woman comes in. "The Wolf's Theme" from "Peter And The Wolf" plays as she enters and heads for them. Andrew sees her and stops laughing. Jon is still laughing. Andrew elbows him in the side lightly, just to get his attention. Jon sees her too and is also silent.

Woman: What are you doing down here?

Andrew: Nothing.

Woman: Come with me.

SCENE XII

Outside. The woman walks with them and gives them each a stack of papers.

Woman: Now, you two are early, so nobody's come yet. I want you two to hand out these surveys.

Jon: Weren't these sent home with all students a month ago?

Woman: Yes, but we just want to make sure.

Jon: Riiight. Well, I don't think that's really necessary, so if you don't mind, we'll go back down to the grotto.

Woman: No, you will hand these out. Or else, you don't get to go on your trip.

Jon: You can't do that!

Woman: Don't tell me what I can or can't do. I run this school now. You will do what I say or face the consequences. Now get to work.

She goes back up the steps into the school. When the door closes, the music abruptly stops. Andrew and Jon start walking along the blacktop.

Jon: We really have to think of a rude nickname for her.

Andrew: Let's see...how about "Ms. Btch"?

Jon: No, that could be anybody.

Andrew: "Ms. Facial Hair"? "The Bearded Lady", "The Bearded Lady"!

Jon: No...it should be something that, you listen to it and you automatically know who you're talking about. Maybe we could use the fact that she insists that you shake her hand when you come in "to get acquainted".

Andrew: How about, "Ms. ShakeMyFckingHandYouGddmnLittleKid""?

Jon: No, too long.

Andrew: Hmm.

Jon: Hey! She looks like what's her name, doesn't she?

Andrew: Who?

Jon: The diva who got the triangles on "South Park"?

Andrew: Barbara Streisand?

Jon: Yeah! We'll call her "Ms. Streisand"!

Andrew: Me like.

Pause.

Andrew: This sucks. Let's go back to the grotto.

They leave.

SCENE XIII

The whole class and Mrs. Piper are in the grotto with sleeping bags and travel stuff. All the cliques are talking. Jennifer comes running down the stairs.

Jennifer: The bus is here! The bus is here!

Andrew (to Jon): Cool, let's go!

Everyone gets up and brings their stuff outside. Andrew and Jon are at the back. When they are about to go outside, "The Wolf's Theme" plays again and they stop in their tracks. They turn around and see Woman step into the room. She strides menacingly towards them. They run. They get into the bus and the door closes. They get in a seat and look out the window. Woman has burst out of the door, waving her hands over her head. Jon thinks fast.

Jon: Man, first she shakes our hands every morning, and now she's waving goodbye when we go on an overnight trip...

Mrs. Piper: Wave goodbye everybody.

Everybody waves out the windows as the bus drives out of the lot and away down the street. Woman stops in defeat, then strides angrily back in.

SCENE XIV

In the bus. Andrew is not visible.

Andrew: It was a little crazy in the bus every time we were in there. The contraband was being passed around like candy. Wait a minute...reverse that. Anyway, there was Mrs. Piper, who had just signed on with us this year. Since we needed a guy to watch us after dark, they got our male recess monitor, Paul, to come along for the trip. Everyone always said that he did pot, or at least used to. They seem to say that about any adult who can talk and act like a teenager. We didn't know it yet, but this was to be one of the best weekends of our lives. No other time in our lives could even add up to this.

We see Andrew.

Andrew: It was the time we would remember forever and cherish in our hearts for all time. (to Jon) Okay, so how was that?

Jon: Man, I don't want no sentimental sht like that in my story! And no narratives from the future, that's just too corny.

Andrew: Jon was always like that, disagreeing with everything everyone had to say, neglecting to wash his greasy Italian hair, always off in a corner smoking his weed instead of playing basketball. We all knew he would end up a lonely, single fishwife, but we didn't know it would happen so soon...

Jon: Shut up!

Andrew: Yeah, forget this. I'm going to go play some magnetic chess.

Andrew makes his way to the back of the bus and sits with Jennifer.

Andrew: Let's play.

Jennifer: Ok, you go first.

Andrew raises a pawn and looks for a place to place it. He lowers it slowly. The bus hits a bump and it knocks over the queen and takes the king.

Andrew: Checkmate.

Further up the bus, Chu, Kyle, and Bryan are playing cards.

Bryan: Ok, gentlemen. The game is five-card draw. You get two turn ins and aces and deuces are wild.

Chu: Hey, we know how to play Blackjack.

Back with Andrew and Jon.

Andrew: Sooo...what do we talk about now?

Jon: Gotta talk about something...

Andrew: What do we talk about..?

Jon: Let's talk about...crayons.

Andrew: What?

Jon: Crayons. Crayon colors, crayon controversies, and other crayon-related topics.

Pause.

Andrew: Jon, you gotta shut up now.

SCENE XV

The bus drives into a parking lot. The sign by the path reads: "Tyme Out Youth Center". The bus parks. The same bus driver who was in "The Flood of '98" turns around.

Bus Driver: Ok, we're here. I'm gonna open up the rear hatch to let you kids out and get all the luggage.

Andrew: (climbing out) Yes! Let's destroy the other kids stuff.

Jennifer: Andrew, you're an idiot.

Andrew: Yeah, I get a lot of that.

Back on the bus. The Jocks are waiting to get off. Jon approaches them.

Jon: Hey guys... what's up?

Chu: Nothin'.

Kyle: Man, I am in such a good mood. Nothing could break my mood.

John: Dude, Kyle in a good mood... what a surprise.

Gordy: Why so happy?

Kyle: Are you kidding? Two days off of school without pretending to be sick! Nothing can spoil my mood.

Pause

Jon(to himself): Nothing, aye?

Pause

Jon Hey Kyle, sorry about the basketball game.

Kyle: Hey! Shut up.

Jon: I mean, it's not your fault that you guys lost to the worst team in the league.

John: Hey watch it man.

Jon: It didn't matter that they were all a foot shorter than you, and it didn't matter that you guys were 3-4 and they were 0-7. What mattered was... you guys had fun.

Kyle: MAN! You ruined my mood.

John: Mine too.

Gordy: Yeah Jon, you ruined it for us.

Bryan: Let's get revenge.

At the back of the bus, Andrew and Jennifer are unloading bags.

Andrew(shouting): Don't hand them to me, toss them to me!

Suddenly, Jon flies out the back of the bus. Everything goes slow motion.

Jon(V.O.): Hey, slow motion... pretty cool. Man, How did I get into this mess? Hey, wait a minute, COOL! My life's flashing before my eyes!

1812 Overture by Tchaikovsky plays as flashbacks of Jon getting injured play. (I.E. Getting kicked in balls, balancing on fence and falling downward, ect.)

Sudden cut to present. Camera goes to p.o.v. and Jon's face is just about to his the soft bags when Andrew's foot sweeps them away. Jon hits the pavement.

Jon: Ow.

A twenty something man with short blond hair and wearing athletic clothing is in the door.

Twenty something: Alright, guys, grab your stuff and put them on the bed you want.

They go inside into a hall.

Twenty something: Guys' dorm is right here.

He points to a door right by him.

Twenty something: And the girls' is downstairs. Joanne here will take the girls down.

John: Take the girls down!

Makes a fighting motion.

Jon: Grab yer switch and…

Andrew: Shut up.

The guys go into their dorm.

Andrew (v.o.): Hmm. Holy sht these beds are old. I better get top bunk so I can be the crusher, and not the crushee. Hey, I'll take the bunk on top of Jon. Heh heh heh.

Jon (v.o.): Oh God no! Andrew's sitting above me! Take me now, lord! Take me nowww!

Jon: Andrew, come on.

Andrew: What? I'm not that heavy. You're fatter than I am.

Jon: …God, I hate you. I hope you go to hll. You have to be!

Andrew: Yeah, but I want one of the outer parts of hll where it's not so hot. Besides, I'm, like, the lightest guy here. Better me then Bryan.

Jon: Yes, but if Bryan falls on me I will get my sleep. With you, I'll be up all night, but with Bryan I'll rest in peace.

Andrew: C'mon, I promise not to mess with you.

Jon: You always say that.

Andrew: This time, I mean it!

Jon: You always say that.

Andrew: But this time is different!

Jon: You always say that.

Andrew: If I bother you, I will condemn myself to hll!

Jon: You always say that.

Andrew: Fine. Have it your way. I'll sleep on top of Bryan's bunk.

Pause

Jon: That one's new.

Andrew moves his stuff to Bryan's top bunk.

Twenty Something: Ok guys… down to the meeting room!

Everyone goes out the door except for Andrew. He moves his stuff off Bryan's bunk and onto Jon's.

Andrew: You're right… this one is new.

SCENE XVI

They go into the meeting room. It has a bunch of beanbag chairs in a circle in the main area. Off to the left, are a bunch of tables. There are corners with cushions in them. There is an inside area back in the right with a bar design, a TV on a stand, and other assorted materials. There are also carpeted benches in the main area. Everyone scrambles for a beanbag chair. When it is all settled, the boys and Tiffany have the beanbags and everyone else rests on the benches.

Andrew: Dude, it's just the guys and Tiffany on the beanbags. She must've fought pretty hard.

Paul (from the bench right behind them, patetically with a wavering voice): She took out one of my eyes..!

Twenty something and Joanne come in.

Joanne: Hello. I'm Joanne and this is my helper, Scott.

Scott: Hi. Well, now that you're all settled, get up and go to the tables.

All: (groan)

They get to tables.

Jon: Tiffany must feel bad. She got blood on her nails for nothing.

Scott: Now, remember your place. You cannot move.

Andrew is at a different table than Jon.

Andrew: Why didn't you tell us that before?

Jon: Haha! Andrew free! If only for a few minutes.

Gordy, Ray and Andrew are all at the same table.

Scott: Ok, this is the nametag game. We will be handing out nametags and you have to write your name and an adjective that describes you that starts with the same sound as your name. I'm Super Scott

Andrew (V.O.): Oh No! Those two teenagers are about to do "it". (In deep voice) No need to fear! Super Scott is here! Protecting the world from reality one confused teenager at a time!

Joanne walks over to John.

Joanne: What's the matter, John? Can't you think of anything?

John: No.

Joanne: Well, I'm Jumpin' Joanne.

John: Oh, I got an idea.

Joanne: Well good.

She walks away. John writes "Jumpin' John" on his. Joanne goes over to Jon.

Joanne: What's the matter, Jon? Can't you think of anything?

Jon: No.

Joanne: Well, I'm Jumpin' Joanne.

Jon: No...

Joanne: Well, I'm sure you can think of something for yourself.

Over at Andrew's table.

Andrew: This is stupid.

Gordy: I know! What starts with a G?

Ray: Great, gullible, gastric,-

Andrew: Gddmmit! I can't think of anything!

Andrew starts singing a tuneless song.

Andrew: I can't think of a name. I can't think of a name. Oh boy, I can't think of a name.

Ray: Dude, shut up. That is so annoying.

A lightbulb clicks on over Andrew's head.

Andrew: That's it!

Ray: I still don't know what to do. I was thinking, Radical Ray.

Andrew: Rock on.

A candle lights over Ray's head.

Ray: That's it!

Gordy: You both suck. I still don't got one.

Andrew: Gordy, look! Sam's kissing Ross!

Gordy: What!

He turns around real quick.

Gordy: Hey, wait a minute. No she isn't!

Andrew: Heh heh, you're so gullible.

Two sticks start rubbing together over Gordy's head. It takes a while before it lights.

Gordy: That's it!

Jon's table. He seems very frustrated, then writes on his nametag.

Joanne: Everybody done?

All: Yes.

Joanne: Then come with us into the gym. We've got another game to play.

They start leaving. Jon and Andrew meet.

Jon: So what did you pick?

Andrew: Annoying Andrew.

Jon: What a surprise.

Andrew: What about you?

Jon: Me? Oh, I'm..."Creative Jon"

Andrew: Come on, it doesn't say tha-it does say it! It does say it! You ss!

SCENE XVII

In the gym. Thye are all sitting on mini rugs in a circle.

Scott: Now, I'm going to say something, and if you agree with it you have to get up and find another rug. Whoever is left has to say their adjective name and say something about their friends, you know, what kind of people your friends are, like me "all my friends like this program". Alright. Um. Ooh! All my friends-

The theme to "Antiques Roadshow" plays as people get up from their places and move around frantically. Gordy is about to sit at a rug when Jon jumps on it and it flies back. Gordy speaks over the looping music.

Gordy: Hi, I'm Gullible Gordy.

All: Hi Gullible Gordy!

Gordy: And my friends are athletic.

People move around. Jennifer is up.

Jennifer: Hi, I'm Jolly Jenni.

Cut to a closer view of her face.

Jennifer: And all my friends like parties.

People move around. Andrew is up.

Andrew: Hi, I'm Annoying Andrew. And all my friends need food to survive.

People move around. Ray is left.

Ray: Hi, I'm Rockin' Ray. All my friends are cool. Or at least think they are.

People move around. Kyle is up.

Kyle: Hi, I'm Kickin' Kyle. And all my friends like...Korn.

Jon gets up and runs out. Kyle sits in his spot. He then realizes he is alone.

Jon: Ummm... Hi. I'm Creative Jon.

All except Joanne and Scott: (laugh)

Jon: And all my friends except one go to this school bye!

Jon snags a spot and tries to avoid Joanne's glare.

SCENE XVIII

They are in the meeting room. There is a sign on each corner with cushions. One is labeled "always", another "usually", another "sometimes", another "never". Joanne is under "always", Maureen under "usually", Scott under "sometimes", and Paul under "never".

Joanne: Now I will read you a statement, and you will go to the place that your choice is. And the group leader there will ask why you chose it. Alright? Okay. First one: "my friends are rowdy".

All the boys go to "always" most of the girls to "sometimes", a couple to "usually", and one or two to "never".

Joanne: Okay, "my friends and I tell each other our troubles".

"Iron Man" by Black Sabbath plays as kids change places and Joanne reads several statements. Paul is over with some boys at "never".

Paul: So, why do you never let girls into your gang?

Andrew: We don't wanna hang with 'em.

Paul: Good enough for me. Well, we've got some time, anybody see the game last night?

Joanne: Okay, you've got some free time now, and then lunch. You can go in the rec room or the gym.

SCENE XIX

Boys play basketball in the gym. Andrew comes out and goes down the stairs, down the hall, and into the rec room. Inside there is a vending machine with candy bars, an old piano, a sink with a coffee maker, two tables, two very small beds, a ping pong table, a large fan, and a shelf with a boombox on it. Nneka and Caroline are playing ping pong. Mrs. Piper and Jennifer are playing Jenga on the table. Tiffany and Tierney are relaxing on the beds. Bryan is at the piano. About the same time Andrew comes in, Bryan leaves for the gym, and Nneka wins the game. Tiffany steps up to the plate against her. Andrew gets behind Tiffany and starts annoying her to distract her. She flubs several times, then attacks him. He escapes, smiling. He goes up to Piper.

Andrew: Hey, Mrs. Piper, can I go up to the dorm and get my mix?

Mrs. Piper: Sure, Andrew.

Andrew opens the door to his dorm and grabs his mix CD. Cut to him popping it in the player.

Andrew: You guys might like this. It's a punk band's version of that Verve Pipe song "The Freshmen".

He goes to a track and plays "The Freshmen" by "Mustard Plug".

Sam: That's bad.

Tierney: That's a really bad song.

Andrew: Better than that one...TLC song. What's it called.

Sam: Silly Ho?

Andrew: (shudders) Well look, if you want, I'll turn in one that's softer, or the one on the album by Violent Femmes.

Bryan enters and grabs a soda he left behind.

Andrew: Bryan, you like that Violent Femmes song on here, right?

Bryan: Oh yeah. But the rest is crap. I mean, there's that dumb soft punk rock, like that one song that goes (sings "Coming Home" by Devereau in a monotone voice): I don't believe I'm coming, home again, I don't believe I'm comin' home.

Andrew: It sounds nothing like that.

Bryan: Whatever. All I'm sayin' is that except for that one song, it sucks. Would you rather listen to Dave Matthews Band, who do real music, or a punk version of the Gilligan's Island theme? He actually has that on there. I'm outta here, I can't stand this junk. Like the punk.

As Bryan exits, Brianna walks in.

Brianna: What is this terrible music?

Andrew: Hey! This is real music.

Sam looks at Tiffany and nods. Tiffany sneaks up behind Andrew and digs her nails into his neck.

Andrew: Aahh! My spine!

Tiffany: Andrew, move over to the couch area... away from the radio.

Andrew complies.

Sam: Turn on Kiss.

SCENE XX

In the cafeteria at tables. The boys are at one big table, the girls at another, and Bryan and the adults at another. At the boys' table. John is looking at two pitchers. In one is grape punch, in another, red fruit blend.

John: Man, look at this purple sht. It looks like Dimetapp.

Chu: Heh, yeah, and this is Tylenol.

Kyle puts a plate on each side of the table. In them are tons of burgers.

Chu: Alright! Burgers! Thanks, Kyle.

Kyle leaves and comes back with two plates with fries on them.

Jon: Alright.

They start serving themselves.

Kyle: Hey, what're you doing? Those are all for me!

All: (laugh)

John: Since this is "family style", I think I should be the abusive father.

Ross: Hey, why can't I be the dad.

Chu: 'Cause you're a pansy.

John moves the burgers to a nearby counter before Ross can get at them.

Ross: Hey! Why can't I have some?

John: You gotta earn it.

Ross: Why didn't the other's have to earn it?

John: Are you questioning your daddy?

SCENE XXI

They are all done.

Andrew: Alright, whose job now?

Jon: Washing the tables. Well, we picked numbers, and those're our jobs, and now it's Ross' turn.

Ross: Wha-no!

John: Yeah.

Ross: I ain't doin' that! I ain't servin' you!

Jon: Dude, we all got jobs.

Chu: And we all have to do 'em.

Kyle: What, you think you're better'n us?

Ross: I ain't doin' that job.

John: What, you think you were gettin' a free ride? You gotta earn it! Gotta earn it!

Chu, Gordy, and Kyle: (laugh)

Ross bitterly starts doing his job.

Ross: Man, this is bull.

SCENE XXII

In the meeting room.

Joanne: Okay, now it's time for our love and infatuation exercise.

Scott: I have this ball and when I throw it to you, you have to use an example of how people confuse love and infatuation.

He throws it to John.

John: I think people confuse love and infatuation when they want to have sex with someone and they think they love them, but they really don't.

Different people get the ball and mime talk as "The Kids Aren't Alright" by The Offspring plays. At one point, Jon gets the ball.

Jon: My friend Mark is in High School, and he used to hang with this Wicca girl and he took it up for awhile to try and get something in common, but then they broke up, so now he's back to being a good old atheist.

He throws it back to Scott. He smiles and Joanne feignes one.

SCENE XXIII

Still in the meeting room.

Joanne: Okay, now we're going to start on the last of our love family topics. Exploitation.

Andrew (to Ray): Alright! Finally we get to the dirt!

Joanne: Now, these are the different types of exploitation. You will each get a paper with these listed on them. They are: gossip, disrespect,-

Andrew (feigning a cough): Jon!

Joanne: Teasing, making fun, lying, cheating, pranking, blackmail, revenge, extortion, pornography, sexual experimentation, rudeness, taking for granted, lack of appreciation, violence, bullying, rape, robbery, sexual abuse.

Andrew (to Ray): Some of that is so ridiculous, I don't even need to say anything.

Ray: Then don't.

Andrew: Alright, I won't.

Ray: Fine.

Andrew: I know it's fine.

Ray: Good.

Joanne: Alright, now we're going to do something really different. We're going to make plays.

Kids: (talking amongst themselves)

Joanne: I'm going to separate you into groups and you are all going to come write a play and perform it for everybody else. And this play must embody three of the types of exploitation. Alright, let's start with the groups.

SCENE XXIV

Andrew, Jon, Nneka, and Julia are one group. They are in a room that looks like a tiny chapel. It has pews in a semicircle, and two chairs completing that circle, an organ, a candle, a boombox, and a huge life-size cross on a wall.

Jon: Hey, there's old Betsy now. They must use her at every retreat.

Jon puts his wrists to the sides of the cross and keeps them up there as the rest of his body looks limp, as if he's hanging from it.

Nneka: Jon, quit fooling around. Let's get to work.

Jon: Okay. First of all, I wanna be a latino.

Andrew: This is going well.

SCENE XXV

Back in the meeting room.

Joanne: Alright, who wants to go first?

Andrew: We might as well get it over with.

Scott: Alright, Andrew and his team will go first.

Jon: By the way, has anyone seen Fargo?

Ray: Yeah.

Andrew: Well you know how everyone dies?

Ray: Uh huh.

Jon: This will be similar.

They take their places out of view. Andrew walks on. (Note: whenever something funny happens, the audience may laugh.) Nneka comes up from behind and threatens him. She speaks in a bombastic ghetto voice.

Nneka: Hey, fool! Gimmie some money, fool!

Andrew: No!

Nneka: If you don't I'll tell everyone about last summer.

Andrew: You mean you'll tell 'em what I did?

Nneka: Yeah, fool! So you better get me some money tomorrow!

Exit Nneka.

Andrew: Man, I can't believe she knows what I did last summer.

Enter Jon. He speaks in a Hispanic voice.

Jon: Hey, man! Why you so down?

Andrew: That chick over there says she'll tell everyone what I did last summer unless I give her some money.

Jon: Aah. You know what you should do?

Andrew shakes his head.

Jon: (sweetly and understandingly) Well I'll tell you. (angrily, loudly, and violently) You should pop her sorry-

Jon makes a gun gesture with his hand, pointed in the direction where Nneka exited. He mouthes the word "ss", so he won't get in trouble.

Andrew: You're right! Let's go to the friendly local heavy arms merchant!

They walk to a different part of the stage area where Julia sits behind the "bar" area with two "guns" on it. One is a deck of cards for the barrel with a clip for the stalk. The other is a pencil.

Andrew: Gimmie a gun.

Julia: Do you have any mental problems?

Andrew: ...Yes.

Julia: Okay, here's your gun!

She gives him the cards and he starts walking away, then stops for a moment, admiring the "firearm". Jon walks up closer to Julia.

Jon: Can I have on too?

Julia: I'm sorry, you're sane.

Jon: Oh, oh, you want sane? You want sane?

Jon picks up the other "gun" and points it at her head.

Jon: I'll show ya sane!

He "shoots" her in the head and walks away with Andrew to the previous part of the stage. Enter Nneka.

Nneka: Hey, fool! I'm back, and I still know what you did last summer! Now gimmie some fool money, fool!

Andrew: You want money? Here's your money!

Andrew and Jon pull out their "guns".

Nneka: Whoa! Whoa! Okay, it's cool. You can keep the money, okay?

Andrew turns to Jon, smiling and nodding. He turns to Nneka and "shoots" her. She collapses to the ground and Andrew walks over to her, continuing to "pump" "hot lead" into her body as it lies lifeless on the floor. Jon bursts out laughing.

Jon: Hahaha that's pretty funny!

Andrew points the "gun" at Jon's head, actually touching it.

Andrew: Shut up.

Jon: Wait! But I-but you-mommy..?!

Andrew "shoots" Jon in the head and Jon is flung back more than humanly possible. Short pause.

Andrew: Oh my God. What have I done?

Andrew falls to his knees and points the "gun" at the in-between part of his lower jaw and "shoots" himself. He slumps to the ground. Pause. Andrew and the rest jump up.

Andrew: That's it! It's over!

Andrew heads back with his "gun" and Jon grabs his. Jon stays on alone and calls for silence. When silence is attained, he speaks.

Jon: The music in our production was by KMFDM.

Jon sits back in his place. He sees Joanne, looking mean. Scott gets up.

Scott: Well, thank you for that wonderful, joyful play. Now, who can figure out what themes were?

John (under his breath to Chu): Man, theirs was actually written, ours is just a bunch of people hitting each other.

Chu (under his breath to John): Yeah, ours too! They're making us look bad!

John (under his breath to Chu): Well, at least ours is funny. Kyle hits everybody, then at the end we all gang up and pummel him.

Chu (under his breath): (laugh)

SCENE XXVI

In the gym. The boys are playing basketball. Andrew is on the bleachers with a thin peice of cardboard. Jon is looking throught the emergency door window at the rain. Andrew is drawing on the board. Jon goes up to him.

Jon: Hey, Andrew-um, what's with the board?

Andrew: Oh, this is one of those writing boards they gave us, that everybody seems to draw on, well I took mine up here so I got more drawing time.

Jon: Yeah, those are pretty good. Mine has this drawing of Venom's head, it looks like it's professional!

Andrew : Whoa.

Jon: Hey, check this out.

They get up and head for the door.

Jon: Andrew, look out the window.

Andrew: It's raining, so?

Jon: Pinky, are you pondering what I'm pondering?

Andrew: Um, I think so Jon, but to do that, you'd need a lot of explosives.

Jon: No, no. Look harder.

Pause.

Andrew: Wow, I can see Elvis Costello's face in that puddle. I've always wanted to meet him.

Jon: Sh.

Pause.

Jon: You see what I see?

Andrew: Um.

Jon: Seequeeel.

Andrew: Holy sht! Jon, you're a genius! Bringing Elvis' corpse back to life so he can make us wanna take our clothes off and go dancing in the rain!

Jon: Why do I even try.

Andrew: I'm joking, I'm joking, I get it.

Jon: We gotta get some paper and write everything interesting that happened before we forget it all.

SCENE XXVII

In the office. Andrew and Jon go into a woman's room.

Andrew: Hi, can we get some tablet paper?

Office woman: Hmm?

Jon: You see, we're writers, and we want to write about our experiences here.

Office woman: Only good things, I hope.

All: (laugh, Jon and Andrew somewhat faking)

Office woman: I'll get you some in the storage room.

Jon and Office woman go out into the storage room, leaving Andrew.

Andrew: Heh heh heh. Building a better life by stealing office supplies.

Andrew is about to take a pen off the desk when the phone rings. "The Wolf's Theme" plays. Andrew listens to Woman's voice on the answering machine.

Woman (on answering machine): Hello, this Rebecca Van Nostrin from Milwaukee Montessori School. Two students have been sent to you who were supposed to be back here, and I want them ejected immed-

Andrew picks up the phone, hangs up, and presses the delete button on the answering machine.

SCENE XXVIII

Everybody comes back into the meeting room, talking about the chicken fingers they had for dinner. They settle down and Scott dims the lights.

John: Oh uh, the lights are dimming.

Chu: Don't make out with me Ross.

Ross starts punching Chu until Paul breaks them up.

Scott: Alright, we're going to watch some movies now.

All: ("alright!" etc.)

Scott: Okay, okay, settle down. The first one we're going to see is "My Girl".

Later.

Dad (on TV): The bees...there were just too many...

The girls start tearing up.

Jon: Oh, God.

Tierney: What, you don't like this?

Jon: Psshht.

Tiffany: You know what I think. I think he's afraid to show his true feelings.

Jon: Oh, give me a break.

Andrew: He is showing his true feelings. Boredom!

Jon: Shut up.

Tiffany: See! See!

Paul: Sh!

Later.

Paul: And now we're going to see part of "Can't Buy Me Love".

Jon: Ever notice that these names have noting to do with the plots? "Drive Me Crazy", "Down To You"...

Ray: "The Flood Of '98".

Jon: What?

Ray: It had very little to do with the flood itself.

Jon: So? It was the flood that stuck us at Butler Skateland.

Ray: But half the movie was before the flood!

Mrs. Piper: Gentlemen, please refrain from talking about these subjects until later.

Later.

Scott: Alright, now we'll see some of "The Lion King".

Andrew: Yes! Alright! Best movie ever.

Jon: Andrew...you're embarrassing yourself.

Andrew: Eff you. It should've got all those Oscars. Dmn "Titanic".

Later.

Scott: Next is "The War". Kevin Costner movie.

Later. Sounds of war are on the TV, unseen. Everyone's eyes are glued to the set. The boys finding it quite enjoyable, the girls somewhat shocked. It is turned off.

Girls: ("why was that shown?" etc.)

Boys: ("that kicked ss!" etc.)

Scott: Next is a movie I'm sure some of you have seen before. It's called "Rudy" and is about a boy who wants more than anything to get on the Notre Dame football team when he gets there, but they tell him he's too small.

Andrew (pretending to cough): Loser.

John: Hey, don't diss this movie.

Gordy: Yeah, it is the best movie ever.

Chu: Definatly.

Bryan: Well, it's good, but "The Usual Suspects" is much better.

John, Chu, and Gordy all stare at Bryan.

Gordy: You mean that "Kaiser Soze" sht?

Bryan: Hey, man, that movie's the awesomest movie in the world. I don't know how you can say anything.

John: Maan, whatever!

Bryan: Rudy is about a Notre Dame person. You hate Notre Dame.

John: Oh yeah.

Later.

Scott: Alright, that's it for the movies. Now we're going to split up the boys and the girls and have a little Q and A. The boys will stay in here and the girls will go to the chapel.

Andrew: Oh sure, the girls get to go to the chapel. Stupid sexist Catholics.

Jon: They're trying to trick you! They're trying to get you all into their crucifixion room! They wanna see you all strapped onto Old Bessie!

Scott: Oh yes, and we're going to do another discussion activity.

SCENE XXIX

All the boys are in a circle on the beanbags, except for John, who's piledriving Ross.

Ross: Heyyy! Ow!

Paul: John..!

They stop.

Scott: Alright, we're going to do this reaction activity. See these cards in the middle? Everybody pick one. Keep them face down, and don't tell your pals what they say.

They all grab some.

Scott: Now, we're going to go around the circle and each of you will read your card when we get to you. And the rest of you will give them advice. Okay, let's start. Kyle?

Kyle: I'm dating a girl from a different school, and she's very mistrustful of me.

Bryan: Loser!

John: Dump her.

Andrew: When she calls you at your house, don't let your other girlfriend answer the phone.

Jon (half whispering to Andrew): Have dirty, dirty sex with her.

Andrew: (laughs)

Scott: Gentlemen, gentlemen. Calm down. Next. Ross.

Ross: I think my girlfriend is dating other men.

All except Scott and Paul: (laugh)

Scott: Gentlemen, gentlemen...

Bryan: Looser!

Andrew: Maybe she wants to be satisfied!

Ross: Hey!

John: Limp dck!

Ross: Hey! El Rosso can satisfy anybody!

Andrew: But who can you satisfy?

Bryan: Loooser!

Cut to the chapel.

Joanne: Any ideas of what she can do?

Caroline: Maybe she should just tell the guy the truth.

Most: ("Yeah" etc.)

Cut back to the meeting room. The boys are quiet.

Scott: Alright, it's time for our Q&A. If you have any questions about sex, just raise your hand. Don't be shy or think I'll think you're weird, I've heard 'em all.

Gordy raises his hand

Gordy: Why is chocolate a sex symbol?

Scott: Actually, I don't think I've ever heard...

Jon (with a laugh): This is the guy's living and we know more than he does.

Scott: Well, I'm not really sure.

Gordy (whispering to John): And how much are we paying him?

John: (laughs)

Scott: The truth is that that's a myth. There are tons like it.

Kyle raises his hand.

Scott: Yes?

Kyle: Is it against your religion to take it up the backdoor?

Scott (a bit sternly): Yes. In my religion you can go to hell for doing that because it's unnatural sex.

John raises his hand.

John: What exactly is sexual expirimentation?

Kyle: Isn't that where you tie your woman to a bed and beat her with a strap?

Boys: (laughing hilariously)

Andrew (among the laughter): No, that's bondage. (laughs)

Scott: Gentlemen, gentlemen.

Gordy raises his hand.

Gordy: Why is chocolate raspberry a sex symbol.

Scott: Once again-

Gordy & Scott: -myth.

SCENE XXX

In the cafeteria, everyone is serving "make your own" hot fudge sundaes for themselves. At the boys' table.

Andrew: So Ray, what were your problems with "Flood"?

Ray: The title sucked.

Andrew: Well, that was meaningful. Anything else?

Hands shoot up all over the table.

Andrew: Guys! Guys! I'm dealing with Ray now!

SCENE XXXI

Now, everyone is finishing up with their sundaes. At the Bryan/Maureen/Paul table. Paul and Bryan leave the table and start towards upstairs. The camera follows in front of them as they talk amicably.

Paul: Good sundaes.

Bryan: And it's free!

Paul: I know. My life almost seems complete. Except for one thing...

Bryan and Paul get upstairs near the front door.

Bryan: What is it Paul, you gotta go pinch a loaf.

Paul: No! I'm going outside. Don't tell anybody. For the love of God, don't tell anybody!

Bryan: You're gonna go smoke a roach, aren't you!

Paul: Shh!

Bryan: You're gonna go roll a doobie!

Paul: It's called a cigarette, Bry-an!

Bryan: Sure Paul. Your secret identity as Cigarette Smoking Man is safe with me.

Pause.

Bryan: And I won't tell anybody that you're Mulder's father.

SCENE XXXII

John, Gordy, Jon, and Chu are hanging out in the hallway.

John: Those were some good-ss hot fudge sundaes.

Chu: It almost makes up for everything they did to us.

John: (laughs)

They see Paul outside on the main entrance, smoking a cigarette in the rain.

John: Look at this!

They look out the window and start pointing and laughing and letting out the occasional smart remark. After awile of this foolishness, Paul sees them. Although you cannot hear, Paul is laughing. They go outside to talk to him.

Paul: Guys, go back inside.

John: Nooo. We don't wanna.

Paul: Go back inside and go to the rec room. That's where you're supposed to be right now.

Boys: Awww...

They reluctantly go back in.

SCENE XXXIII

In the rec room. Again, Andrew is doing his little fake voice over thing. He, and the other people in this portion, are not seen, but still heard.

Andrew: Our first day at the Tyme Out Center was almost over, and we were all having a good time. Well, maybe not all of us. (gasp) I forgot! Chelsea! She hasn't done anything, she hasn't said anything! She just sat there. Nobody must've noticed her, she did so little.

Tiffany: Andrew, shut up.

Andrew: Okay. I have-er, had, something to do anyway. I had to act like a compassionate human being.

Jon: We've been criticized by the real people in these movies that they are too fictionalized, and...I'm starting to beleive them.

Andrew: Eff you.

The voice over thing ends. Andrew walks up to Chelsea. Pause.

Andrew: Hey.

Pause.

Andrew: Um, what's up?

Pause. Andrew sniffs.

Andrew: You ok?

She continues to ignore him.

Andrew: You know, sometimes when you have a problem, it helps to talk about it.

Pause.

Chelsea: You're just like all the others. You're just pretending you're interested. All you're doing is helping your own concience by making me some pathetic chairity case. You make me sick.

Pause.

Andrew: Um, did Joey do this to you?

Chelsea: He opened my eyes! He let me see the truth!

Andrew: Oh, come on! Look, I know you're sad-

Chelsea: You're gddmn right I'm sad! You're treating me like you treat him!

Andrew: Treat?

Chelsea: Yes! You treat us both the same! Why didn't he come? Him I can talk to! He's my only friend...

Andrew: ..."Treat"? "He's"? "Can"? "Why didn't he come"? Chelsea, listen to yourself. You're acting like he's-

Chelsea: Stop it! Leave me alone!

Andrew: Do you really beleive what you said or do you just not want people talking to you because you don't want to have to accept it?

Chelsea: No...no...

Andrew: Chelsea, listen to me. Joey is dead.

Chelsea: No, no...

Andrew: Yes he is, yes he is. Joey is dead. He blew his fcking brians out in the bathroom during gym class.

Chelsea: It isn't true...

Andrew: You went to his funeral. He's in the ground.

Chelsea: No! That's not true! None of it! Joey, help me! Where are you?

Andrew: He's dead! (to others in the room) She's going hysterical! We gotta get someone in here who is willing to slap a girl.

John: Let's get Gordy, he's an expert! (laughs)

Chelsea: Leave me alone! Leave me alone!

She pushes past Andrew and runs out of the room, sobbing.

SCENE XXXIV

As "Summertime" by Big Brother And The Holding Company plays, Chelsea wanders the halls. She seems somewhat dejected and stumbles as if crashing from a high. Superimposures of Joey are seen around her a la "American Pop". She finally comes to rest on a pew in the hall. Pause. As the music ends, Andrew comes up the stairs and sees her. Pause. He goes over and sits next to her. Pause.

Chelsea: I'm sorry about what happened.

Andrew: Hey, no worries.

Pause.

Andrew: You wanna talk now?

Pause.

Chelsea: Could you just...listen?

Andrew: Sure.

Short pause. "Rest" by Green Day starts playing.

Chelsea: Well, what happened to Joey... It just seemed so... He was a victim. A victim of life, a victim of others, a victim of the world we live in. When he left us...it just seemed so right. He made me think about whether or not the world was good enough to keep living in.

Pause.

Andrew: Chelsea, he lived in a different world then you did. You have a loving family, he had a hate-filled relationship. You separated yourself from people who kind of liked you, he was reviled by others and became full of hate for them all in the process. A lot of people care about you and love you and don't want anything bad to ever happen to you. He had jack. You're lucky. Why are you looking at the world through his eyes when you have your own? Why are you choosing to live in his messed up world, when a great one is waiting for you to come back to it? Think about it.

Andrew gets up and goes back downstairs. "Summertime" starts up again.

SCENE XXXV

Everyone is going into the chapel. It is completely candlelit. Joanne is at the piano. She speaks to them.

Joanne: This is the last activity we will to today, and it is the love letter activity. You are going to either write one letter to both your parents, or one for each. But before you do that, I am going to play a song on the piano. It's called . It always makes me think of God, though in this context it's more to give you ideas about what to say to your parents.

As she plays the (artist name) song, we look at the different faces of the cast, and so, seeing their thoughts and emotions in their expressions. When she is done, the kids start grabbing papers and envelopes, and write. Chelsea grabs two and starts the first, "Dear Mom & Dad". Views of other kids writing and Mrs. Piper and Paul watching.

SCENE XXXVI

Andrew is in the rec room, getting the tablet of paper which has one three-fourths written on sheet, a layout of the sequel to "Flood". The lights are off. He is about to leave when Chelsea steps in the doorway.

Andrew: Hi.

Chelsea gives him an envelope from the love letter exercise.

Chelsea: This is for you, for helping me through this. I just wanted to thank you.

Pause.

Andrew: Thanks. Now I guess we should get to our dorms before people get suspicious. We've learned enough about teen love life without having to deal with the embarrassment of someone busting in on you at a moment like this.

Chelsea: Good point. Goodnight.

Andrew: Goodnight.

She leaves. Pause. Andrew leaves as well.

SCENE XXXVII

Andrew speaks to the audience.

Andrew: I guess it just goes to show that everyone percieved as bad can, one in a while, do some good.

He comes up the stairs at that moment, and sees Bryan keeping Jon back into a closet.

Bryan: Andrew! Help me keep Jon in this closet!

Andrew: Okay!

Andrew runs over and bashes into the door.

Jon: Ow!

He bashes again.

Jon: Ow!

He bashes again.

Jon: Ow! Andrew, stop that! The doorknob is hitting my kidney!

Andrew: Really?

Short pause. He bashes again.

Jon: Ooww!

Andrew steps back.

Andrew: You know what Bryan?

Bryan: What?

Andrew: In this light, you are really fatter than I thought.

Bryan: That's it. You're going in.

He grabs Andrew and throws him into the closet and slams the door. Andrew sneaks to the end of the closet.

Jon: Andrew, Great! You can help me push!

Silence.

Jon: Andrew? Oh no, he must be in one of his moods.

Pause.

Jon: Great, I'm in a closet with Andrew, Alone.

Pause.

Jon: Ewww.

Andrew (extremely calm): Jon. Where am I Jon? Am I over here? Or am I over here?

Jon: (Whimper)

Andrew: Jon, I'm going to eat your liver Jon.

Jon: Bryyaannn... Hellpp...meee...

Andrew: I'm coming to get you, Jon.

Jon: I don't want to die in here... Open the door... Open it!

Jon's P.O.V. Cinematography a la "The Blair Witch Project".

Jon: Let me out let me out let me-

The door swings open and Jon through the darkened halls, screaming. Normal view. Andrew comes out of the open door.

Andrew: (laugh)

Bryan: What?

Andrew: He just ran into the residents' area.

Jon's P.O.V., running through the halls.

Jon (a la Heather Donahue in "The Blair Witch Project"): Oh my God what the fck is that? What the fck is that?

Normal view. The thing Jon is screaming at is a stumpy old nun with a big stick. She grabs him and pulls him inside the room, then slams the door. Andrew and Bryan sneak inside the dorm. Silence. Slamming and "ow"ing sounds are heard.

Chu: What is that?

Andrew (innocently): I dunno.

Pause. Jon walks in, rubbing his back in pain.

Jon: Andrew... Bryan... Can we talk?

SCENE XXXVIII

John, Gordy, Chu, Kyle, Bryan, and Paul are at the table in the dorm, talking about sports. Andrew comes in with new clothes on and is drying his hair with a towel.

Andrew: Aaah. That felt good.

He goes over to Jon, who is standing frozen before his bunk.

Andrew: Hey Jon.

Pause.

Andrew: Jon? Are you there, Jon?

Jon: ...My bunk. You went above me anyway.

Andrew: Oh yeah, well, Bryan snores, so I went here.

Jon: Bstard.

They get into their beds. Ross comes in. He goes up to his bed on the top bunk and starts squirming in his sleeping bag. Kyle sees him.

Kyle: Oh my God!

Ross: What?

Kyle: What the hell are you doing?

Ross: Shut up.

Kyle: You depraved freak!

Ross: Hey! You shut the fck up!

Ross jumps out of his bunk and starts punching Kyle. Jon gets up to watch. After awhile, Paul breaks them up. Jon goes back and finds his watch that he took off gone. He looks up. Andrew wears a big smile. Short pause. Jon dashes up the bunk ladder but Andrew kicks at him and he goes down.

Andrew: Do I have your watch? Or have I just hidden it?

Jon: Give me my watch Andrew. Andrew, you bstard, give me my watch! You son of a-!

Andrew jumps off the side of the bunk and heads for the door.

Andrew: Well, I'm going to let you look while I take a leak.

Jon searches the bunk furiously to the tune of "Fortunato". Eventually, Andrew comes back in.

Andrew: Found it?

Jon: No..!

Andrew: Well, that makes sense.

Jon: Why?

Andrew: Because I flushed it down the toilet.

Jon: What?

Andrew: You doubt my word?

Jon: Of course I do!

Andrew: Well, you have nothing else to go on.

Pause.

Jon: Oh shit.

Jon runs out of the room to the bathroom. He checks the toilets in desperation and runs back.

Jon: (shouting) I cannot believe you actually flushed my watch down the toilet.

Andrew raises his hands in desperation.

Andrew: I'm sorry Jon. I guess I'm kind of a prick that way.

Jon notices something on Andrew's wrist

Jon: You're wearing my watch? You sshle!

Paul: Hey! Andrew, give Jon his watch back, and Kyle stop beating on Ross.

Ross: I was beating him!

John (with a laugh): Yeah right Ross, in your dreams.

SCENE XXXIX

Paul: Alright, guys! Time for bed!

All: ("Aww", "Man!", etc.)

They start getting in their beds. Chu goes over to his bunk where and exit sign shines. He goes in front of it and strikes a menacing pose.

Chu: I am Kane!

John: (laughs)

John bangs on the metal bunk piece and it makes a loud "dong".

John: Man, these are so cheap!

The girls' dorm.

Piper: Look at all these furnishings! It looks like a swiss cabin!

The boys' dorm.

Ross: These sheets are chafing me!

Andrew: I know! They're like burlap!

The girls' dorm. Tiffany is rubbing a quilt on the side of her face.

Tiffany: Ooh, these quilts are so soft!

Piper: I guess that's why they call them comforters.

The boys' dorm. The lights are out.

Chu: These beds are squeaking like hll! I feel like it's gonna fall on me!

The girls' dorm. The lights are out. Silence, except for Nneka snoring. The boys' dorm. Pause.

John: Man, it would suck if the bed fell on me. Me especially.

Chu: Why you especially?

John: Because my neck is going over the side.

Most: (laugh)

Jon: Guys! Ssh! You're giving him ideas!

John: Who?

Jon: Andrew! He's up there plotting my horrible death!

Kyle: For once, someone's getting ideas in a darkened room full of teenage boys, and it's not Ross!

Ross: Shut up!

Andrew starts squeaking the bed excessively.

Jon: (whimper)

Andrew stops. Jon looks straight up. Andrew's arm reaches over the side of his bed and pulls Jon's coat on a chair up to his bunk. The rustle causes Jon to immediately twist his neck to see. Cut.

SCENE XXXX

The bathroom door. "Surf Rider" when Andrew comes out. He walks down the hall and into the room. The lights are on and everyone is gathered around the table, except for Paul, still asleep. Andrew takes his seat.

Andrew: So, what do we talk about now?

Bryan: Let's see, we talked about the trip, boobs, the WWF, and who was cooler in "Lethal Weapon"; Danny Glover or Mel Gibson.

Pause.

Jon: Sarah Michelle Gellar or Natalie Portman.

John: Gellar.

Gordy: Gellar.

Andrew: Portman.

John: Gellar or Chyna?

Gordy: Ooh, Chyna!

Chu: Sable or Chyna?

Gordy: Hmmm...

Jon: Man, this is pathetic! We're up until all hours of the night talking about which actress we'll never have that we'd rather fck! I'll bet all the girls were intelligent enough to get a good night's sleep instead of stay up yakking about bullsht.

The girls' dorm. All of them are at their table with the lights on, except for Piper, who is asleep.

Tiffany: Pacey or Angel?

All: Hmmm...

The boys' dorm.

Andrew: Yeah, maybe you're right.

Pause.

Andrew: Christina Agulera or Britney Spears?

SCENE XXXXI

Morning. All are asleep in their beds, except for Paul; who is waking up, Andrew; who is gone, and Ross; who passed out at the table.

Paul (loudly): Alright, guys! Get up!

Most: (groan)

Jon: Paul, how can you do this to us? You, who we thought was on our side...!

Kyle: You betrayyeed uussss...

Paul is by Ross, shaking him awake.

Paul: Come on, Ross, get your mouth water under control, get up, and get ready for (in happy voice) "wake up fun"!

Ross (in more annoying happy voice): Yaaayyy...

SCENE XXXXII

The bathroom. Andrew and Chu are brushing their teeth. Jon comes in, puts his bag on the sink, pulls out a towel, and goes into a shower.

Jon: How was your shower, Andrew? You took it before everyone else. What were you doing now?

Andrew: Nothing. The water is on hot.

Jon: Okay-hey! No it isn't! So that's your little game, eh? Well, now I'm turning it to hot and putting it on!

The shower starts.

Jon: Yow! Ow! Cold! Cold! Gyuh-huh! What happened? I put it on hot!

Andrew: By the way, Jon, I ran into Joanne before I took my shower. She told me there was no hot water. She even put a sign on the front of the shower that said so. I guess it must've fallen off.

Jon: ...You bstrd. Your days are numbered.

Andrew: Don't tell me you're phasing back into that old "sword n' sorcery villain" thing. Huh. People never change.

Kyle (in another shower stall, shivering): T-they s-sure don't.

SCENE XXXXIII

Everyone is in the gym. Joanne starts reading from a paper.

Joanne: Alright, you kids branch out into two equally numbered groups.

They do.

Joanne(in happy-dappy voice): Alright, time for fun in the sun!

Jon(whispering): Hey, isn't that our summer rec things name?

Andrew(whispering):Who cares?

Scott: First, spell out your schools name, using your bodies.

Everyone looks around, dubious.

Scott: Well?

Each team spells MMS on the floor.

Joanne: Excellent, now eveyone stand up in a circle and hold hands with the person across from you. Than, unknot it.

Kyle(while unknotting): Hey, you know those internet purity tests? they have all these stupid questions like, have you ever held hands?

John: Have you ever walked in on your parents having sex?

Gordy: Have you joined in?

They all laugh.

One of the teams unknot.

Scott: Ok, Now make the roman numeral for 1999 with your bodies.

Jon: Why can't we wait another year so it can be easier, just a two and a bunch of zeros.

Julia: Actually, it would just be one thing 'cause it's roman.

Scott:Finally, make a pyramid.

The camera cuts to one of the pyramids. Andrew is on the bottom middle, supporting all the weight, John and Gordy are on either side. Sam and Jon are the second level, and Brianna is on top.

Jon (sarcastically): Oh yeah, we gotta get a picture of this...

SCENE XXXXIV

Breakfast.

John: Gotta work for it, Ross. Gotta work for it.

Ross: Shut up.

Andrew: Awww... I hate these metal chairs. Thye're not as form-fitting as the beanbags. If there was one thing I could take home from here, it would be one of those.

Chu: I'd take that board with the picture of Venom on it.

Jon: Venom rocks.

Chu: Well, before he became a good guy.

Jon: Yeah. Oh well, I always did like Carnage better anyway.

Andrew: He's okay.

Jon: He's more than okay. He's Carnage.

Andrew: But he's no Venom.

Jon: Mmm.

Chu: You know what I always liked? That Planet Of The Symbiotes.

Jon: Oh, God!

Chu: Lasher was the coolest new symbiote. He just plain rocked.

Andrew: What the hll are we talking about?

Jon: But did you see Ultimate Venom?

Chu: Whew!

John: What's the deal with Mighty Mouse?

Jon: I saw on this Pop Up Video that a preacher accused Mighty Mouse of being on Cocaine and wanted him taken off the air.

Andrew: Where'd he get that idea?

Jon: Well, he pale...

Andrew: It don't fckin' matter if he's pale, he's a mouse! Mickey's face was white and no one accused him!

Jon: Yeah, but Mickey's face was just plain white. Mighty's was like an off-white. It looked like pale skin.

Andrew: That's fcked up.

Jon: This sounds like a Quentin Tarantino conversation.

Andrew: Ain't nobody pretendin' to be Quentin Tarantino, btch!

Jon: See!

Andrew: Well...I still say we aren't trying. It's done inedvertenedly. He just writes like people talk. And we're just talking. Besides, I know how we definetely aren't being like Tarantino.

Jon: How?

Andrew: No one's said the word "Nggr".

SCENE XXXXV

Everyone is in the gym again.

Scott: Now, for this excercise we will have four teams. Coincidentally, we have four stations.

Jon(whispering): The four stations of the Cross.

Ross walks over.

Ross: You mean the four stations of the... Ross.

Pause

Jon: Shut up.

Scott: At each activity, two teams will compete, or cooperate, as need be.

Everyone looks around. In one corner, there are two huge wooden boards with four ropes sticking out of both sides. At another, two buckets with four halves of plastic tubes, and two ping pong balls. At another, a long wooden board with a bunch of sticks and crates. Then there is the bleachers, which are now separated into nine sections by masking tape. We cut to Andrew, Jon, Nneka, and Jennifer using the boards as Scott tells the rules in a voice over, all to the tune of "Dollar Bill" by Everlast featuring Sadat X.

Scott (V.O.): There is one place for each member of your group. You will need to step simultaneously in order to move. You must go across the court-

They have stepped out of view while he was talking and now come back, walking backwards.

Scott (V.O.): -and return walking backwards.

Now they are using the half-tubes.

Scott (V.O.): For this one, each of you gets a tube. You take the ball and put it on the first tube. It will roll down, and must be caught by the next tube. If the ball falls, and hits the ground, you must go back and start from the you have gotten it to the other side of the court and into the bucket, you will take it out and put it and your tubes in the first bucket so the next team has them.

Now, they are at the boards and crates.

Scott (V.O.): For this, you will need to get your "boat" from where you are to the end of the court. You're going to be moving across the "river", and to get your boat across you must move yourselves, and your crates to the other side to hold up your boat,-

Andrew (V.O.): Oh yeah, lots of boats get held over the water by crates..!

Piper (V.O.): Andrew! Shh!

Scott (V.O.): -And your boards, to keep it moving to the shore. If something falls off, be it a crate mover stick, a crate, a board, or a member of your team, it is lost, sunk or drifted away along the waters, and you can never again use it.

Now, they are at the bleachers with them at the four on one side, and a team of Kyle, Chu, Tierney, and Sam.

Scott (V.O.): Finally, for this you must transfer your team to the four the other team is standing on, and the other team to the ones you're standing on. But they cannot go off, or touch a place anyone else is on. Now let's go!

Jon: So, what do we do?

Chu: Well, we gotta use the empty space, we know that, but how do we get there?

Andrew: I've got it! We'll carry each other over.

Sam: What?

Andrew: Well, we...pick you guys up one at a time and carry you from person to person and set you on the empty space. Then the rest of us move back one and transfer the next person to the next vacancy, and so on and so on. Alright Jennifer, you're first, just kind of go limp so we can carry you over.

She goes limp in his arms and he holds her up and starts passing her along.

Jon: The erotic underpinnings in this game are shocking.

Andrew: Here she comes!

They move her to the free space. They move back one.

Jon: Alright, who are we carrying over now in this little sexcapade?

Andrew: Jon...

Jon: What?

Andrew: It's my turn.

The realization of this hits Jon like a ton of bricks.

Andrew: Will you carry me over the threshold, you big hunka steel man?

Jon: (whining whimper)

SCENE XXXXVI

In the rec room. Andrew and Jon are slumped against the walls.

Andrew: We look high.

Jon: Yeah.

Pause.

Jon: God it's boring.

Andrew: Uh huh.

Pause.

SCENE XXXXVII

Everyone is back in the Chapel. The seating arrangement is pretty much the same. Kyle is on a beanbag on the floor, laying low. The only light other then the sunshine peeking through the cracks of the drawn curtains is that of a single candle, large, on a little table next to Joanne.

Andrew: What're we doing now?

Jon (whispering to Andrew): It's a cult!

Joanne: Now, I know we've learned a lot, and had a lot of fun, and we'll all be sorry to see you go, but this is our last activity. You've got to leave, and take this information back with you to help you live your life right. We're going to close, first by passing around this candle.

Jon (whispering to Andrew): Holy sht, it is a cult!

Joanne: When you get the candle, you will complete this sentence: "I can be a better friend by...", and then say your peace. I can be a better friend by being more of a listener than a talker.

She passes it to Andrew.

Andrew: I can be a better friend by...um...

"Perversion 99" by Rob Zombie plays as the candle is passed and different people speak their peace. The candle finally gets to Scott, who, when done, sets it back on the table. The music ends.

Scott: Now, the second part. We will all get up, and hug each other.

The kids all exchange looks ranging from bewilderment to refusal to chortling with laughter. Almost, but not quite reluctantly, they all get up and start going around hugging each other. After hugging someone, Jon gets a guerilla hug from behind from Scott. The only one not participating is Kyle, down on his beanbag, trying to keep out of sight. Eventually Scott finds him and makes him get up and get his hugs. The kids exit the room and are going down the hall talking.

Tierney: That was amazing! Now I feel so much closer to you guys!

Tiffany: Yeah.

Brianna: Yeah.

The camera moves to another social group up the line.

John: God, that was bullsht!

Chu: I know! The girls are all talking about feeling closer, I don't feel closer to anybody! It's just some stupid thing we had to do.

Tiffany: Chu, have you ever thought that maybe you're just afraid to show your true feelings?

SCENE XXXXVIII

The boys' dorm. All of them are packing.

Jon: That bleacher excercise was so sexual. I felt ss.

John: I know whose ss Ross likes to feel!

Ross: Yeah yeah yeah, just tell everyone my secret crush on-

John: He wants to feel the ss of James Van Der Beek!

Ross: Well, I guess that's better then revealing my actual crush on-

The girls' dorm.

Tierney: Caroline!

Caroline: What?

Tierney: In our little tell-all last night, you never told us who you liked.

Caroline: Fine. I like-

The boys' dorm.

Jon: Andrew, why did you steal my watch again?

Andrew: I'm sorry, I didn't know it was yours! This retreat has filled me with love! I love you, man!

Jon: Pssht. The only person you really love is-

The girls' dorm.

Nneka: Tiffany, where's my toothbrush?

Tiffany: Aren't you sharing it with-

The boys' dorm.

Chu (laughing): John! You're still acting like Kane!

John: Well look at the light! It's perfect!

Paul: I know who you really like in wrestling!

John: Who?

Paul: Chyna!

John: She's okay, but in my eyes, she's nowhere near as hot as-

The girls' dorm.

Tiffany: Tierney you retard! Where'd you leave that book I lent to you? I am never lending you another book!

Tierney: I didn't think you notice, since you were spending all your time flirting with-

The boys' dorm.

Gordy: Jon, why don't you like me?

Jon: You're annoying! Besides, how can you help but dislike someone who is madly in love with-

The girls' dorm.

Julia: Mrs. Piper, come on, we're leaving!

Piper: Coming!

They leave, then Piper comes back and shuts off the light, leaving the room in darkness.

SCENE XXXXIX

Jon is walking around outside. Everyone else is in the gym, the girls on the bleachers and the boys playing basketball. Andrew walks out of the game and goes outside. He meets up with Jon.

Andrew: Why're you out here?

Jon: Why're you?

Andrew: I asked you first.

Jon: I'm antisocial. I'm not used to being around people this long. You?

Andrew: I dunno. The game was boring. 'Sides, I haven't been outside in over a day! Eff!

Jon: Yeah, I like this too. Not all that cold. It's December and there's no snow on the ground. And there's a nice wind. Cool, not cold. Feels good blowing against your face. Like sticking your head out a car window while the radio's playing "Freebird".

"Freebird" by Lynyrd Skynyrd starts softly playing.

Andrew: So, I guess they taught us to love again.

Jon: Very funny.

Andrew: ...I guess all those things I did to you were wrong...and hurtful. But now I see the light. I've been born again!

Jon: Oh God.

Andrew: I love Jesus! I love the world! I love you, Jon!

Jon: Get the hell away from me!

Andrew: Praise the Lord, I love Jesus!

Andrew begins to advance on Jon.

Jon: Stay away!

Andrew: I'm just kidding. But I really do like you.

Jon: I guess.

Andrew: Jon...

Jon: What?

Andrew throws his arms around Jon and loving triumphant music plays as we pause very shortly, then the feel immediately stops when Jon pushes Andrew off him as he says:

Jon: Get the fck off of me! God, that's just taking it too far! This ain't no gddmn love train! God...

SCENE L

On the bus, on their way back.

Andrew (V.O.): I was joking when I hugged Jon the second time, but I'm not joking now when I talk about the fact that we all did learn a lot. We learned about love, and friendship, and life in general. Hey, that would be a good name for this story, wouldn't it? (laughs heartily)

He's sitting next to Jon.

Andrew: Fade to black, play some soft punk.

Jon: I thought I told you to stop doing that!

Andrew: Fck you. Alright, what do you think we should do?

Jon: Anything except that.

Andrew: Can we play "Moonlight Sonata"?

Jon: Why would you want classical music?

Andrew: Actually, it's a soft punk song.

Jon: Enough punk! There's too much punk in this story already!

Andrew: Your friend Mark didn't think there was too much punk in "National Lampoon's Senior Trip", and he just plain hates punk. You like it at least somewhat.

Jon: Well, whatever, I just hate that voice over sht!

Andrew: No voice over, check. Then how do we end the movie?

Jon: How about this...

Jon looks straight into the camera. "In The Name Of Love" by U2 starts playing as we freeze frame, like the end of some cheesy '80s teen movie. Pause. Cut to black. Music fades out.

Andrew (over black): What the fck was with that?

Jon (over black): Like an '80s teen movie, y'know?

Andrew (over black): Whatever.

Credits to the tune of "Nobody Like You" by Limp Bizkit, then "Blisters On The Sun" by Violent Femmes which fades into "The Wolf's Theme". The music ends ominously as the last credit ("Directed by Giovanni Pogliano") rolls.

THE END