I sit here looking at my screen and I wonder what the point is. I mean really. the weather is crappy. I just don´t feel like doing that is not true i feel like making out with someone.. who I am not quite sure but if I had a special someone then I guess it would be them. um.. I suppose I need to explain more.. OKay.. well I am an exchange student in germany. I ahve about 2 and a hlaf months left. Crazy how the time just went by. Anyways. All the other exchange students I know have gotten some action this past year but me.. well let´s just say I ahven´t and leave it at that. Kind of sad i suppose but then again I have gotten used to it.

Anyways.. let me describe me as i see myself. I am 17, canadian, have curly hair, am halfblack half white, can speak french, english, german and a little bit of spanish and a few words of chinese. I consider myself amusing, goofy, silly, sunny, sociable, and um alittle sensitive. I spend alot of time wondering why I don´t have more friends.. or more why people are not interested in getting to know me.. perhaps it is the fact that I am shy and somewhat different that scares them away.. I don´t know.. you´d ahve to ask them I suppose. Then i wonder if it is because I am not that pretty, or if it is because I am not that thin.. you are probably groning to yourself.. "she´s one of those who thinks she is fat " your thinking. Am i right? Yeah well I am actually not fat just alittle heavier than is good for me. I don´t know what it is to be thin because well I can not remember being thin and I don´t know how I go to be the weight I am now. I have tried diets but they suck cause yeah you can´t eat anything that tastes good or nice portions.. I have done the excersize thing but I never seem to last long enough to make a big difference. I do yoga and stuff like that. I am not lazy but I am not a sporty person either. I have ner been a sporty person. EVER! but hey i try.. so I am a person who listened to their mother when she said " it doens´t matter how you look on the outside it is what´s on the inside that matters" and I realise that she is right.. that is how it should be but the exterior is what attracts people .. it is the first step that helps people want to or not want to get to know you. if you know what I mean.. Anyways.. if anyone has any suggestions on how I could control my weight I would be grateful.. I don´t want to be seen as someone who is obsessed with my weight because I´m not I am just self-conscious.

People always asked me if I felt different on my birthday. If i felt older.. And no one asked me that this year. this was the only time i have somewhat felt different. I felt older, I felt like I had changed since last year, I felt like I had grown, I felt glad that that day was my birthday. It was a happy day. Which was nice. I like happy days. I suppose we all do, huh? Anyways..

What else can i say about myself.. um I am learning to play guitar. I suppose I am more more of a cliches huh? WOW.. I wish that wasn´t true but I suppose that is what people see.. Guitar is fun cause i can sing along with it.. and I can hide behind it and make it tell my story.

um.. I write poetry. listen to music. Music is my life.. i suppose words are my life. the search for wholeness is my life. interesting.. um.. what else.. I don´t know.. Well yup that is all I can think of right now. So yeah. till later than.