22Day 0 - The Thesis
And let it be said from hereon in, there is something gracefully defunct about human consciousness.
"With very little difference between the beginning and the end, and the end being eternal and ultimately irrelevant, I hereby officially state and declare that all beginnings are endings, albeit no endings are beginnings. And in so, because of this simple state of mind, beginnings are as irrelevant and meaningless as endings, the clarification of such indicating that neither beginnings nor endings should exist – neither independent of each other, nor as one in the same.
"Beginnings are inefficient because they, by their very nature and definition, must end. Endings are inefficient because they are, by their very nature and definition, dependent on the beginning. Unless, of course, you consider that fate has any validity at all – in which case the beginning is not needed because the end is already determined, thus equating the beginning to the end, and therefore, the end is not possible, because without any real beginning, there can be no end.
"This is the very economics of existence; the basic coinage of life. Life is merely the temporal exchange of consciousness given to us by our existence, our life depending thoroughly on this existence, and therefore, our life depending thoroughly on this consciousness.
"Since it cannot be proven that humanity has a collective consciousness separate from my own, nor that my own consciousness is part of that collective consciousness, I can only assume that my consciousness is that collective consciousness. Therefore, whether or not there actually exists a collective human consciousness is ultimately unimportant to my purpose; all that matters is that I am fairly certain that my consciousness exists, and if I perceive a collective human consciousness to exist, it exists only because I perceive it to exist.
"Since life is the gift of existence, and consciousness is the direct result of life, consciousness depends wholly on existence; the existence of a collective human consciousness depends on my own consciousness, which is dependent of my own existence. If I were to cease to exist – that is, die – then the collective human consciousness, and therefore life, and therefore existence, will cease to exist.
"When I sleep, the world sleeps with me." I shifted in my seat a bit, freeing my leg from his cramped position, and taking a liberal bite of my apple as I did so, writing freely despite the cramp in my hand "When I sin, the world sins with me – if such sin exists; and when I die, the world will die with me."
I sighed, unable to bear the pain in my hand. As I rubbed it mindlessly, I considered the paper in front of me, and the fruit rolling around in my mouth. It was ultimately a silly thing I was doing: writing an ode to non-existence, sharing a soon-to-be non-existent proof of ultimate destruction, educating the future on how they will not exist. Taking another bite into my apple, I realized that this would be my last meal, and in so, my first meal. Just as this was the last apple that will ever be eaten, it was also the first apple to be eaten – if not merely for the reason of 'because I said so.' It was the meal that would lead to my death; it was both because I am eating the apple that I will die, and because I will die, I am eating the apple. My first and second deaths.
My hand had recovered.
"Because all existence depends on my own, I am both representative of all evil and all good; and in order to eradicate all evil – and consequentially all good – I must die. It almost seems comically convenient that good is impossible without evil, and therefore innately evil itself; the question I suppose it would be most convenient to ask is 'If evil is dependent on good, is it therefore intrinsically good?'
"There is a hopeless impossibility to this question, the abysmal avalanche of nothingness vacuuming down on the simple notion of whether or not black is really black, or if white is really white. There is also remote pointlessness to it; if it is possible to eradicate all evil, then what use does good have? It is the sacred hierarchy of truth: good and evil depend on the conscious perceiving the two, and the conscious perceiving depends on existence, which all depends on me.
"I am the beginning, and I am the end. The middle does not exist because neither beginnings nor endings exist, because before me, nothing existed, and after me, nothing will exist because I represent existence and the manner in which the scarcity of life begs for a consciousness as it begs for a soul. As being the creator of existence, and therefore omnipotent, I am completely incompetent in the manner of addressing and therefore creating a definitive consciousness besides my own; it is impossible for me to separate my own consciousness from any form of collective human consciousness, because by doing so, that separation will depend wholly on my consciousness of it and thus its existence. As soon as I cease to exist, the separation will cease to exist, and therefore the ultimate effect will be the same: all else will cease to exist.
"And so, I am my own true tempter, and my own true savior; my temptation is to save myself. It is not that I don't love myself – contrary, I love myself more than any one else can manage, and it is for this one reason that must save myself from the ultimate despair of life, of consciousness, of existence, of myself – of love. No one can love me more than I love me, because no one can exist more than I exist, and no one can have consciousness besides my own consciousness.
"As my existence ends, I set forth these improvable hypotheses:
"1 – that evil will cease to exist as I cease to exist, and therefore good will cease to exist. Without the existence of good, and without the existence of evil, only a perpetual state of purity will remain in unconsciousness. Free from all consciousness and existence, a theoretical harmony and peace will take place of my consciousness and consequentially, my creation of the collective human consciousness will be freed from all beginnings or endings and completely cease to exist.
"2 – that should I retain a sort of consciousness after death, I know not what I am nor what I was - only that my existence is invalid ie, illogical. My innate desire to know and control everything about me in the most ineffective way will turn me into oblivion, fulfilling my own prophecy. I know not what I am, for I will be the existing nothingness. I will become the abyss; I will exist as the Void.
"3 – that should Two happen as I have described it, 1 will not happen as I have described it, and therefore finding in that an uncertainty to this hypotheses, 2 would not have happened a I have described it, thus invalidating 3.
"I hold these truths to be self evident. And in my sin, the world will sin with me, and this being the ultimate evil, it is also the ultimate good – for existence is evil and good, and therefore the lack of evil and good is purity. Through my own despair and love, I shall destroy the world that I have created, my consciousness will rape that which expects sanctification, and in so doing create perfection by destroying any chance of perfection to have ever existed.
"The best part? My death, the end of my existence is neither the beginning nor the end. It is neither life nor death, and it is neither evil nor good. It is merely the perception that I ever had an existence to begin with, and therefore, that I always existed. I am irrelevant."
The apple was fully consumed, and my hand had regained its cramp, although this time for completely different reason. Feeling the impending peace of the non-existing future, I considered it only out of respect that I maintained consciousness as long as I could. My note ironically lying innocently on my desk, waiting to be read, I shrugged incoherently as I looked at it, anticipating death.
Without fully realizing it, and at the same time, knowing exactly what was happening, I began to take note of how I began to feel not as though my existence was ending, however, more like the nature of my existence was changing. No – not just changing, enhancing. I was ceasing to exist, and I was existing more and more and more.
I saw myself. I was in the void. I was the void. I was existing as the epitome of nonexistence – I was seeing and understanding everything about nothingness – I was consuming every last bit of consciousness, being the vacuum, the very Void to do it, I was powerful, I was powerless, I was -