Authors note - This is not based on me!

Dating nightmare…

God this is a stupid idea. I know I've been single for what two months? Three months? My god it is six months. There is absolutely no way that a web site like will work?

Yes but think about it. Bill at work used it. He found that nice girl he is with now. Well I say nice girl. I've only met her once at the office do. She seemed nice enough. Had a bit of a phobia for open spaces. And closed spaces. And food. She definitely didn't like food. From what I remember she spent most of the time throwing food at me. I spent most of the time cleaning soup out of my hair.

Anyway let's bring this web page up. Okay nice enough page. A picture of a gorgeous model smiling at me. Hang on! I've got an idea. I'll see if I can find Bill on here. Type in Women seeking Man. Age 32. Area. Type in my postcode. I'll see what Bill wrote about himself! Hee! Hee! There's a picture of him there standing on a yacht! I know full well that is not his yacht. He took that when he went to the Portsmouth boat show. Let's see his title. "Love Stallion seeks sexy cow girl for hay shenanigans!" What a tart! "Interests - Scuba diving and sky diving." What a liar! The nearest he got to water was when we pushed him in the town fountain at the last Christmas do. Even then he nearly drowned. Well he would have done if I hadn't stopped sitting on him. Sky diving! He gets vertigo standing on the edge of the pavement.

Let's see the other sad blokes in my area... Hang on! I recognise that handsome bloke. It's me! Someone has taken a picture of me and put it in here! Rather a nice photo actually. Roguish smile. In front of two pints of lager. Well fair enough it saves on trips to the bar I say. Caught the old sweep of the chin nicely. The tag line is "Lonely dude is great!" With three explanation marks! I look like I'm on sale. Let's click into it see what information it has. "Interests – Me, me, me. If you aren't talking about me, I'm not interested." I look up in shock. It's accurate I'll give them that.

Let's see the other sections. "What would you take on a desert island – If I'm on the desert island you wouldn't need anything else baby!" I nod to myself. Whoever wrote this knows me that's for sure. "Qualifications – none." I start quivering in shock and look up at the wall with all the framed certificates. How dare they! How dare they! Doesn't trampolining Grade One count as a qualification? Doesn't Ten metres swimming certificate count as a qualification? Doesn't coming first in the Teddy Bears picnic race age 6 count as a qualification?

I look back at the screen. No hang on. Fair do's. They do say University qualifications or above. I look down further and breathe a sigh of relief. They are mentioned as other interests. Wouldn't want to sound totally uneducated!

Now of course the real questions. The crowning conundrum. Why with this masterful profile is my inbox not inundated with hot dates?