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I saw him the fist time when I was in Mayapur. I still can't remember if it was the first or second day there. I think it was the first. KM and me was at Govinda's, drinking something, I can't recall what, when she told me that the guy sitting on the blue chair was an idiot. I cant remember exactly what we said to each other that first time, I just remember we were bickering and that he asked me why I didn't like him the second time we met.

The third time we met I told him I was sorry for being such a bitch to him.

"So I'm a good guy now?" He asked me after I'd apologized.

"Yeah," I said. "For now at least."

He laughed and asked me what I meant with that.

"If you do something stupid you wont be Ok anymore," I said.

"What would you refer to as stupid?" He asked me. I can't remember what I answered, but KM soon dragged me away from him.

We bumped into each other quite some times after that, usually at Govinda's, or in the temple courtyard after deity greeting. After a couple of days we started hanging out more. KM would drag me away from him every time she saw us, telling me to thank her 'cause she "saved me".

My mum told me to stay away from him. She didn't like "25 year-olds who gave young girls money". She was referring to the time he had treated KM and me to ice cream. Come on, 20 rupees?

I think it was Gaurapurnim first time he came to the Grihasta Park. Or the day before, I can't remember. I remember that I spent most of Gaurapurnim with him, though. We were mostly walking around, shopping, talking and just hanging out.

The day KM had her dancing performance I was mostly just watching them practice, but when they went to get dressed and stuff I hung out with him. After the dance performance we went to Govinda's 'cause I was hungry. Or he was, cant recall.

When we had finished our fries he walked me home. Well, that was where I was supposed to go, but we ended up sitting outside in the Grihasta Park talking. We talked about a lot of stuff. I told him a lot of things about myself. Stuff I don't tell just anyone. I told him about 7th grade. I told him about a certain incident including a knife. I even told him how I really have a problem trusting people. And I mean really. I don't trust people. I told him I was scared of being hurt. Come to think of it, those are part of the same problem. I have a problem trusting people 'cause I'm scared of being hurt.

The day after he came up to me in plain sight of all the teenagers. Even Radhika and Sita were there!

"Here, I've got something for you" he said when he came close enough, and handed me a folded paper. All of the kids went "ooo". I think I blushed. I opened the folded paper and went "OMG!" and quickly closed it.

Everyone of course wanted to see what was so bad. I wouldn't show anyone at first, but after a while I showed KM. Then it was just a question of time before everyone had seen it. It being a sticker. Not too bad you might say, and I think I'll agree with you. The sticker showed a girl with angel wings and a halo, her shadow sporting horns and a tail. Under the girl it said, "Trust Me".

One evening when we were out talking he asked me if any guy had thought I liked him when I hadn't. I said no, then changed it to "I don't know".

"Do you like me in anyway" he asked me.

"As a friend" I started. "Yes."

"As anything else?" He asked.

"No," I said. Was that a lie? I still don't know if I did then. I do now though. I even told him. I can't believe I did. I didn't tell him face to face though. I'm too shy to do that. I told him in an e-mail. After I had gone back home. Coward? Noooo, not at all.

KM's last day I spent much time with her of course. I probably wouldn't be seeing her anytime soon. She was going back to Malaysia, and then moving to New Zealand after a month. We were doing friendship bracelets. She made me a blue one. I cried when she left. Or would have, had I not been blinking so much.

That evening I spent with him. He walked me almost all the way home, but we stayed out and talked for some time. Just before I went in he asked me for a hug. He had been asking me for kisses before, but he hadn't gotten any. I said he would get a good-bye hug from me the next day.

"That's not good enough," he said.


"Cause that's what I got from KM, and I want more from you." He said. "I don't just want to be some guy you met who can get a good bye hug. I want something more."

After talking about it a lot he started nagging me. "Give me my hug", "No". In the end I said it would be worth it to get him to shut up. He never got that hug, though. He dodged it and I took of running. Why did he dodge it? I was mad at him. Until I got home. Cause when I thought about it I realized I was mad at myself. I had let him close. And I did not let people close to me. Not in the short amount of time I had spent with him at least. And yet I had let him close. Closer than I was comfortable with. Way too close for my liking.

My last day there started almost like all the other days there, me going to the morning program. Just with a slight difference, no KM. She had left the day before.

After the deity greeting I went out in the courtyard. I didn't have to wait long until I saw him. He asked me if I was mad, I said no. Then I went to buy a Maha-pizza, but I couldn't finish it. All the other days Id had KM there to help me put. That piece of pizza made me realize just how much I missed her. He asked me if I was OK.

"I need KM to help me finish my pizza," I said, and it wasn't only a joke.

We were walking; he was spending money. Then we went to Govinda's. I bought several ice creams. Strawberry Dolly, one of the best ice creams ever made!

Then he had to leave for a while and when I was there all alone my mum came. She asked me what I was doing there all alone.

"Waiting" I replied. She soon figured out for whom and was telling me to come with her. Just then he came back. My mum told him to stay away form me and dragged me home. And for the first time in my life I found myself grounded. I was not to leave the house without her, my dad or Braja.

I got to go online though, and I sent him an e-mail. I told him I was grounded, and that I was sorry he wouldn't get a proper good-bye from me.

That night we left India.

First thing I did when I got back home to Sweden was collapse in my bed. The day after I checked my mail. Loads of e-mails from all my friends, but nothing from him. I had to wait till Monday before I got anything from him. He had just gotten home and he was fine.

We started mailing each other. At least once a day Id find myself by a computer, busy typing and e-mail to him. If I wanted to I could quote all of them here. I don't have to delete them. My inbox in Yahoo is so freakishly big, but I wouldn't delete them even if my inbox was smaller.