I don't want to say this to you. I don't want to listen to your biting anger telling me that I'm as mad as mum. I don't want to feel guilty when you ignore me for weeks on end.

I don't want to cry because I've told you how much you've hurt me and you've ignored what I've said. Again.

I get that you can't deal. You have problems too. But I'm not letting you victimise me anymore. So I'm telling you the truth.

The way you talk to me, put me down. The way you manipulate me, playing games with me, making me wait while you cockily admit that you love yourself, just so I can see if you love me, too. It's not fair.

The way you blame me for everything that goes wrong in your life, but then expect me to edit all your letters of complaint to the solicitors, saying that mum's got no right to complain that she doesn't see us enough. The way you bully me into submission until I sit in my room for hours, staring at the walls and wishing I didn't wish myself dead. Did you know you used to give me nightmares? Your little girl, terrified of what her daddy'd do to her if she wasn't the perfect, A-grade angel who worked from the moment she woke to the moment she collapsed from exhaustion because she was so afraid of what would happen if she stopped to go to the toilet. Still I blame myself - I'm still sorry I can't be good enough for you, can't be exactly what you wanted.

And when mum couldn't cope, when she turned on me for something that was NOT her fault – something that WE caused – you'd try to comfort me. Make her out to be the bad guy.

But she's not. And you have more problems than she does, only you won't let yourself deal. No-one's helpless here.

You can never take back what you've done to me. I feel like I have no right to ask for help, or to cry, or to feel. The only things I'm allowed to do are work, sleep and struggle to stop you getting angry.

You blame mum for her 'episodes'. I can't tell you how bad I feel because you'll do to me what you always did to her. I can't tell you why I feel that way because you wouldn't cope, and even if I hate what you've done to me… I still need my Dad.