2April 23rd, 1997
Dear Diary,
Today I had my first communion. The pastor said we were eating the body of Christ, but I thought it just tasted like bread. We also had nasty tasting grape juice that he said was the blood of Christ. I don't get it.
August 17th, 1997
Dear Diary,
Today is my birthday. I am eight years old. Daddy gave me a nice bible, because he says this way God will always be with me. Mommy got me a bunch of beanie babies, I like the bears the best. Tomorrow all my friends are coming over and we're having cake and presents. I hope it will be fun, I think it will. All my birthdays are fun, but I still don't get the bible, Daddy says it's important to read it, because it will help me understand God better. I think I already do, and he's telling me that Daddy's going crazy,
September 5th, 1997
Dear Diary,
Today I started third grade. It was kind of boring. All we did was color scenes from the bible. I don't see why Jesus had brown hair, I like red better, it's prettier. But Mr. Jones said that he had brown hair, and that was how it was. I also heard somebody say the word sex. I asked Mommy and Daddy what that was when I got home, and the looked scared. They said that it was something special that grown-ups share when they get married. I guess they didn't want to tell me anything else.
February 19th, 1998
Dear Diary,
I met a guy named John today, on the playground. He seems cool, he's in fourth grade. He doesn't like school very much. I asked him why, and he said that there isn't any point. I wonder why he thinks that. I didn't have time to ask him why, but I'll figure that out next year.
April 24th, 1998
Dear Diary,
My aunt is coming! I like her a lot, but my parents don't. They say she killed a baby, but I don't think she did. She's too nice to do something like that. I think she's really cool, and she takes me to the movies every time she visits, and we have fun together. The first thing my parents did when they found out she was coming, was to put out another American flag in front of the house, and a sign that says PROUD TO BE AN AMERICAN. I don't get them sometimes.
May 16th, 1998
Dear Diary,
Aunt Ruby is here, and it's fun. I asked her if she killed a baby, and she said she'd never do that, and then stomped over to my mommy and daddy. I think she was mad. Now they are fighting, and I don't like it.
May 17th, 1998
Dear Diary,
Aunt Ruby is gone. Mommy and daddy say the devil took her.
June 4th, 1998
Dear Diary,
School's out! Yay, I'm happy for summer to be here!
August 15th, 2000
Dear Diary,
Wow, I didn't know I still had this thing, I haven't written in here since I was in third grade, but I promise I will again. It's so strange looking at my old entries. And as for that boy John, he was right, school is pointless. I still talked to him until the end of last year, and then he moved. Well, I'm going to visit aunt Ruby pretty soon, and yes, I do know what sex means, and I don't see why it's so bad.
August 30th, 2000
Dear Diary,
I don't know if I like God anymore. He said it was bad for aunt Ruby to get rid of her baby, even though she didn't want it. Maybe he has some redeeming qualities. I hope I'll find them eventually.
September 11th, 2001
Dear Diary,
God has no redeeming qualities. Where is he when the world needs him? I don't know, but if he were real he would have stopped all this chaos from happening. Why, oh why do I have to live like this before?
October 13th, 2001
Dear Diary,
I saw John again. He moved back here to Austin, he was living in Dallas with his grandmother, but he wanted to come back here. We talked for a long time, and he feels the same way as I do about the whole God thing.
December 25th, 2001
Dear Diary,
Merry Christmas! Not. Mom and dad did their usual God is great lecture and they gave me my fifth bible in a row. I think I'm going to burn them, especially since I have so many and have never read any of them.
August 17th, 2002
Dear Diary,
I am officially a teenager. Isn't it great? I actually feel no different than I did yesterday. Mom took me on a shopping spree, but it wasn't that big of a deal. Other than that, nothing happened. Birthdays are so overrated.
September 6th, 2002
Dear Diary,
School is okay, John and I hang out a lot. I think he'd ask me out if he didn't know that I can't date until I'm 15. I don't get it. My parents are all freaked out, and it isn't a big fucking deal. I hate having strict parents. They are so worried I'll go out and get stoned and shit like that. For one, I am the least likely person on the face of the planet to do something like that, and second of all, I have much better things to spend money on.
February 16th, 2003
Dear Diary,
It was the Valentine's dance today, and I went. Don't even ask me why. They have the worst taste in music. How are you supposed to dance to "spiritual music"? It's all the school plays, because it's a stereotypical catholic school, where anything with cussing is bad. Wow, just wait until we get to high school.
March 18th, 2003
Dear Diary,
That's it. My life is over. Somehow my parents found a saved IM with John on my computer, and I am going to hell. I am going to hell, because I don't think that God is a white guy. I'm not even atheist. Have they even heard of being agnostic? So now, instead of going to the regular catholic high school, I am being shipped off to St. Mary's catholic boarding school. It's not like there is anything that they can do. If they tried to send me to the rehab equivalent of people becoming catholic, that wouldn't even do it. Well, goodbye to life as I know it.
August 30th, 2003
Dear Diary,
Boarding school sucks. Why aren't we allowed to cut off four inches of our uniform skirt? It would look so much better. I hate this place already. My roommate is cool though, her name is Angie, and she is the perfect example of why I could tolerate school. She is like a much more rebellious version of me. She has pink, spiky hair, and she wears tight leather boots. The most extreme I've ever gone with my hair is to cut it really short when I was little. I guess I like people like that. Angie told me that she can stand school, just not the religious part, so she skips mass every day, and she steals the extra communion wine, even though it tastes like total shit. She told me that she would dye my hair purple, because it would go with my skin tone. I think that sounds really cool. Well, I must go and meet my doom aka my teachers for next year.
September 8th, 2003
Dear Diary,
Most of my classes are okay, I have two classes with Angie, and they are okay. I am also in choir, the only problem with that is that we sing every day at Sunday mass. I can still skip out on the daily mass though. We had daily mass today, and I didn't go. I went with Angie to hang out with some of her friends from St. Peter', the all boys school that's close to us. She and her friends smoked some cigarettes, and they offered me one, but I didn't take it. I got my hair dyed, and it looks really cool. It's really dark indigo colored, and it works well with my skin tone. Well, it's lights out now, so I have to go now.
October 31st, 2003
Dear Diary,
Happy Halloween! Today I dressed up as the cheerleader from hell, and I got a fucking suspension. Why are people like this? All I had was horns, nothing more. I guess Satan has taken over my mind. Oooooh, I'm corrupted. Ugh. Now the school is calling my parents halfway across the country because I have a pair of devil horns.
December 25th, 2003
Dear Diary,
Merry X-Mas! I am back home in Texas, with my parents. I think they have finally learned that giving me a bible for Christmas is NOT a good idea, since I burned the last seven in front of them, which put them in shock, and, not to mention, got the message across that I don't really like bibles that much. Aunt Ruby called me, and she said my parents were being total jackasses sending me to St. Mary's. I told her about Angie and getting suspended, and she replied by saying that the school was crazy. I know that, but it was nice to hear from somebody that didn't go there.
June 16th, 2004
Dear Diary,
Happy last day of school! I lost my diary underneath all my stuff and recently recovered it. I got a letter in the mail yesterday, and I have yet to read it. I guess I will now.
Dear Leah,
How are you coping with school? I heard you were here without a computer, so I had to write. I go to Washington Military, so we're on the same level there. I'm coming back to Austin for the summer, what about you? I hope you are too.
Hope to see you soon,
John
Wow, haven't heard from him in a while, but seeing an "old" friend might be nice.
August 17th, 2004
Dear Diary,
Happy fifteenth to me! I spent my entire birthday with John, since he asked me out, and my parents can't say no anymore because I'm fifteen. That rocks my socks. We went bowling, and I sucked, but it was still fun. We exchanged stories about high school, and he asked me how my freshman year was. I told him that it was the year of many firsts. I had my first kiss playing truth or dare, I had my first shot playing I Never, and I had my first exposure to drugs. I did one hit, but it wasn't worth it. I think this was the best first date ever, even by my very picky standards.
September 8th, 2004
Dear Diary,
I'm back at school again, and I cut my uniform skirt. I know we're not supposed to, but it's the sophomore tradition, because as a freshman I was to chicken to. The teachers are used to it, and there is no point in giving a quarter of the school detention. I saw Angie again, but now instead of the cool girl that I knew earlier, she's a total stoner, and does lines in the dorm room, or so I have heard. My new roommate is Elisa, and she seems okay. She's very preppy, and seems to be here because she wanted to, not because she was shipped off like all the other girls. She has a Bush sticker on her binder, and it makes me shudder, I am scared of people like that. All the teachers have American flags and shit like that up in their rooms, to show that they are "proud citizens" and that they "support this country" by shipping our troops out to invade Iraq.
November 5th, 2004
Dear Diary,
That's it, I'm moving to Canada, our country is officially dead and fucked up.
January 15th, 2005
Dear Diary,
So I didn't move to Canada, but I am still mad, I didn't get a bible for Christmas though, thankfully enough. My dad gave me a sticker that says "Support our Troops." I responded by throwing it in the fireplace, that was fun. They seemed appalled, but not surprised. I think they've known all along that I wasn't like them.
April 30th, 2005
Dear Diary,
Today I got a phone call from my parents, it was strange to hear from them. They said they wanted to get together over the weekend, even though today is Friday and they live halfway across the country. It must be something important.
May 3rd, 2005
Dear Diary,
That was an odd meeting. My parents want me out of the house by the end of the summer. I don't know why, but I'm not complaining.
May 16th, 2005
Dear Diary,
I talked to Aunt Ruby. And guess what? She's taking me until I turn eighteen, and becoming my legal guardian. How awesome is that? She's my favorite person ever, and she even sent me a package. She gave me a book called How to Survive Republicans and Born-Again Christians. I thought it was great. And she says she's not making me come back here next year, thank God.
June 2nd, 2005
Dear Diary,
I have found religion. I am not Buddhist, not Hindu, not Jewish, not Muslim, but Agnostic. I think that there is something beyond human life, but I don't know what it is. I don't know if I want to know, but maybe I will, and maybe I won't.
August 17th, 2005
Dear Diary,
This has been the best birthday ever. Today I moved in with Aunt Ruby, in California. She just got a nice apartment in San Francisco, and it's great. She was more like a mother than my own mom was, so I have a feeling my life will be a lot better now that I live with her. She understands me for who I am, and she isn't going to send me to a catholic school, when I am not even catholic. Thank you whatever is up there beyond human life. All I know is that from now on I will think differently about things in general because of my own experiences. Something tells me that, looking back on what I have written throughout these past few years, a lot of me has changed. From my first communion, to John to talking about sex, and not knowing about abortion. And my change in beliefs, along with bibles and devil horns. I feel like I have changed in a way that I could have never thought possible. It was more than eight years ago that I first opened up this diary, and I am ending it on a positive note. This will be the most cherished possession, and I am never getting rid of it, no matter what anybody says.