The Enemy

Fourth Draft

Scene One

(The sound of a door opening, footsteps are heard for four beats before the beatboxer starts four beats with just the rhythm)

MC

These days' people don't seem to care

About honesty, justice and respect

It's all about how they look

And what they wear

They don't think we notice wars affect

On us

Now we're losing trust

In the powers that be

Always lying to their country

And killing innocent people

Because of greed.

Scene Two

Narrator

(Voice similar to an animal documentary host)

Inside the presidential offices, two threads begin to entwine. The President and his secretary briefly interact. As you will be able to tell, these two have a very interesting habitat.

Monica

Good morning Mr. President. I finished the reports on those individuals for you.

President Alexander

Thank you Monica, are they all present?

Monica

Yes, they are in the conference room. Do you want anything else, Sir?

President Alexander

No, that's fine. I've got the intercom if I need you.

Monica

Very well.

Scene Three

Narrator

We now enter a room containing a circular table. Three people are sitting around the table, waiting as patiently as knights before a battle.

RichardSellers yawns)

The alpha and beta males appear to be glaring at each other, while the lady between them gives up making conversation and looks blankly at the door.

(There is the sound of an electrical door sliding open, then closed)

President Alexander

Ah good morning!

(The sound of paper being turned over)

As you can see from these files, I've had my eyes on you for quite some time now. But you probably have no idea why I requested you all here today. Let me be blunt: we are at war. As President, it is my job to win the wars that are fought against us. In the past year I have been in power, I have instigated and won over thirty wars, (conceited tone) most of them in under twenty-eight minutes. This war appears to be a horse that will not be tamed in a conventional way. What's wrong with this war is that we don't have the public's support. I have tried all my previous tactics, but they don't seem to believe in this war. If we can get the public to encourage this mission, then the wild stallion can be civilised.

Richard Sellers

And what exactly do you want us to do, Sir?

President Alexander

(Mutters) What do I want you to do? What I want you to do is convince the people that this war is a good thing.

Richard Sellers

Aaah.

President Alexander

(Quietly) I need a drink. (Clears throat) Now that we have that cleared up, I suppose we should start with the introductions. Frank, why don't you start?

Frank Goldigger

Frank Goldigger, First Accountant of Government Affairs. For the past few years I've been in charge of assigning money for weapons. For reference in this war, we attempted to shoot them with rifles and machine guns, and they put up thick shields. We tried an advanced flamethrower, but it rained. And they laughed at us when we tried the newly developed laser guns. For some reason, the battalions are always prevented from killing this enemy, which is very disappointing

Richard Sellers

(Laughs at Goldigger) I'm Richard Sellers, Executive Marketing Producer and three times winner of Best International Advertisement Scheme. You could say that all my recipes are very unique. (Sleazy tone) And who are you, darling?

Eve Conner

I'm not your darling Mr. Sellers. I am Eve Conner; three years internationally commended Public Relations Officer. I've never promoted anything as acclaimed as war, so this will be a very interesting experience for me. Providing I'm not treated as a harlot by some.

President Alexander

(Ignoring Eve)Excellent. Now Frank and John, you have both worked together before I believe? Good, that means you must both understand the different aspects of each other's work. (Unconvincing)Eve, I'm sure you'll catch on soon enough. So, let's talk, then kill.

Richard Sellers

Mr. President, if I had known that Goldigger was also working on this project, I –

(There is a beeping and click as the intercom is turned on)

Monica (Over Intercom)

Sir, I have some bad news.

President Alexander

(Panicking) What's happened?

Monica (Over Intercom)

The Third Battalion is lost.

President Alexander

Oh dear. Er, has the enemy been in contact? What do they want for them? (Silence) They're not…dead are they?

Monica (Over Intercom)

No, Sir, I mean they don't actually know where they are.

President Alexander

Oh. Right, well I'll just…

Monica (Over Intercom)

(As if prompting him) Perhaps you should come and look at their plotted courses?

President Alexander

Oh yes! You took the words right out of my mouth.

(Click as intercom is turned off)

I'm afraid I'll have to leave you all for a while. Duty calls.

(Electronic doors open and close)

Eve Conner

So, you two have worked together before?

Frank Goldigger

You could say that yes. But as I was trying to explain before Monica interrupted, Sellers and I don't always agree. Different levels of maturity I would say.

Eve Conner

You're a bit like two opposing political parties then?

Frank Goldigger

Yes. Only I'm not as happy about general knowledge of the fact.

Richard Sellers

I bet you can't guess who's more sophisticated. (Goldigger sarcastically laughs, quickly adds) But why don't we start cooking up some ideas?

Frank Goldigger

Why don't you go first Sellers, considering how original your ideas always are? And don't forget we've already used most of the budget on new weapons.

Richard Sellers

You mean those great new weapons that haven't killed?

Eve Conner

We have work to do.

Richard Sellers

Yes we do. I've been thinking - (Goldigger snorts) – that perhaps we need to approach this from more than just one side. In the past it's always just worked for the President to address the public, but that won't work. We need a pinch of slogans, mixed with some posters and a saucepan of sex.

Eve Conner

A saucepan of sex?

Richard Sellers

Yes of course. What other marketing gimmick works every time? It's in every single recipe for success. Also, apart from elderly people who, let's face it, don't really count, every one sees it as a good thing.

Eve Conner

I suppose you're right. It's very sneaky though.

Frank Goldigger

You'll find that most of Sellers plans are done under the sheets.

Richard Sellers

It's the only way to do it if you ask me Goldigger. Eve, what are your ideas?

Eve Conner

I have a bit of an advantage as most people see me as a sweet innocent type of person who would never manipulate anyone. When I got in to this business, I never knew everyone was so stupid, but it does help. Fashion is easily manipulated, and perhaps a soap opera about war would get the younger audiences interested, or a reality T.V. show. The bottom line is: the general public will buy anything if it's popular.

Richard Sellers

So they could buy stuff from us? That would get Goldigger off our backs.

Frank Goldigger

Hmm.

Eve Conner

I meant metaphorically buy. The people are so gullible and so focused on popular culture that eventually we can make them forget that they are an individual, kind of like programming a computer.

Frank Goldigger

You're right, it is almost as if they are a machine, and the negativity towards combat is a virus. How much will your ideas cost to sell though?

Eve Conner

Fashion doesn't usually cost anything. Lycra is big at the moment, so I may just persuade a few models to wear camouflage Lycra and knee high green boots. It'll be everywhere in a few days. And I can suggest to a few producers the success of a television series about war. They've used the television to brainwash before, it's not exactly a new idea, but it will work.

Richard Sellers

I can see how persuasive you are, Eve. I'd eat an apple from you any day.

Eve Conner

That's nice. I'm an Atheist.

Frank Goldigger

Speaking of religion, I've just had an idea. No one has ever tried to tell the public that we are at war in God's name! It's perfect!

Scene Four

Narrator

The President and Monica look at the Third Battalions plotted course.

(Boisterous music plays then cuts out/ fades?)

Scene Five

Bluebottle

There is the sound of an electrical door sliding opene, then closed. Ooh! It closed on my foot. Hee hee enter Bluebottle holding a cardboard sword. Ooh, wrong studio. Bluebottle sneaks off unheard.

Richard Sellers

Hmm, what about something below the belt?

Frank Goldigger

We could target the children. I mean what parent can resist a starry eyed child asking for a toy? And considering how much of the budget we have already spent, we could just market all the faulty weapons as toys!

Richard Sellers

Don't you think that's a bit dangerous? Someone could die, and you know how the Government is about being responsible for the deaths of innocent people.

(The electronic door opens the audience can hear same music faintly then it is cut off as door closes)

President Alexander

(Breathless) Well, that's that out of the way. Any progress here?

Richard Sellers

Sir, your hair's all messy.

President Alexander

Oh, yes. I was just um…Monica was…So, what have you all decided. Tell me everything.

(Music: Bridge)

Scene Five

Narrator

On the way to Alexander's Public Address, we find our three "heroes" stopped by the enemy. Luckily, Goldigger is learned in hostile negotiations.

(An automatic rifle is heard, then the sound of bodies hitting the ground)

Frank Goldigger

When in Rome.

Richard Sellers

(Offhand) The enemy will say you fell on them with brutal methods, you know.

Frank Goldigger

And I can only say, even in death, they cannot stop lying.

Scene Six

(Sound fades up to crowd talking and clicking from cameras)

President Alexander

(Voice slightly magnified, as if into Microphone)

Good evening. I understand that the past weeks have not been easy on any of us due to the current circumstances with our nearby neighbours. I sympathise with you all, knowing you may be perplexed as to why we are against these people. After all, the Bible does say "Love thy neighbour". However, some of you will know that neighbours sometimes break commandments and steal or lie to us. In extreme cases such as this one, the only thing you can do is persevere. It is God's will that we continue to grow as a nation, and these people, our "neighbours" are inhibiting our growth. That is why all the measures taken so far are necessary. As leader of this country, I tell you in all honesty, God is on our side.

Narrator

Our friends talk quietly over applause

Richard Sellers

(Yelling)Good speech Sir!

President Alexander

(Also yelling) Yes, I'm so lucky I control a nation who will believe anything I say if it has to do with religion. (They laugh)

(Applause fade out, News music fades in)

Scene Seven

Jill Sawyer

Good evening, this is Jill Sawyer reporting for the National Radio Corporation. Today, the streets of towns all across the nation are filled with parades of soldiers, new weapons and cascading green and brown confetti. I'm standing outside the Presidential Offices right now as floats drive past displaying new weapons. President Alexander Thegrat announced three weeks ago that this war was being fought in the name of God, and has since made this day War Day. However the enemy is still at large and many of the public appear to be sceptical –

(Chaotic noises can be heard in background, rise to crescendo then fade)

Scene Eight

Narrator

Back in the Presidential Offices, we once again sit at the round table. The once hopeful faeces (quickly corrects) er faces of our friends are tainted with despair. Alexander looks as if he has been stabbed in the back and no longer has control of the herd.

President Alexander

This is a disaster. Our plots have not been successful, and the enemy is gaining power rapidly. They could be here any day! But we can't just give up now. I mean, we've gone this far, why not just bribe people to go to war.

Frank Goldigger

Sir, we've used up the entire budget. I think the best option is to focus on eliminating the enemy. Why can't we just give them peace offerings…filled with poison?

President Alexander

No, no! Lying has never been my style Frank. (Pause) The worst thing is we are far more superior to this particular enemy, and they still manage to obtain an advantage. And it's not as if they're technologically blooming either. We've seen gas bombs before. And poison darts. We just weren't expecting something so mundane from the enemy.

Richard Sellers

Perhaps the problem was all those parents who didn't want their kids having guns as toys.

Frank Goldigger

And of course, it wouldn't have had anything to do with the high pregnancy rate ever since those sex advertisements came up? I've never seen so many Goths buying "combat packs" from adult shops.

President Alexander

Ah, that would be the fault of our nation's religious tendencies. No one told me that the number of Atheists was so high. How was I supposed to know the public was cheering because I'd finished my speech? But that's not the point. The point is…(Sad music plays softly in background) (Sighs) the enemy are winning. I've never lost a war, and now I'm about to lose to one of the most primitive cultures alive. (music fades)

Frank Goldigger

Sir, we could simply place something in their water supply. You know, say it's something beneficial when it will really manipulate them. We've done it before. (Daunting music plays, then cuts out)

Richard Sellers

Yes, but even then, there were people against us putting it into the general water supply. I don't think there's anything we can do.

President Alexander

He's right, this horse won't be bought.

(The intercom beeps then clicks)

Yes Monica?

Monica (Over Intercom)

Your plane will be here in five minutes.

All (except Alexander)

Plane?!

President Alexander

(He realises that now they know he is leaving) Could you bring me a scotch please?

Monica (Over Intercom)

Of course.

(Intercom clicks off)

President Alexander

(Cowardly)You don't think I'm going to sit around and let the enemy take over my country do you? I've got a lot to organise, you know, faking my own death and stuff. I can't decide whether to be assassinated, drowned, or die in a plane crash, you know how it is. (Trails off)

(There is an awkward silence, someone sighs, and then there is a loud fart, followed by half-hearted laughing. Someone coughs. Silence)

All

How could you even think of that?

I knew there was something fishy going on!

I never thought you could be so deceitful!

This is the last time I'll ever work with you!

Well I was trying!

Yeah, you're always very trying!

Hey, I resent that!

Eve Conner

Fighting isn't going to solve anything!

(The electric door opens, ice cubes can be hears clinking on glass)

Monica

(Sounding scared) Sir?

President Alexander

(Terrified) Yes? Err, I mean, yes?

Monica

Oh it's terrible! The enemy, and then they… (Ragged breath)

All

What?

Monica

Peace is breaking out everywhere! Our soldiers have discussed things with the enemy, and now they're all dancing together in the streets! I've never seen so many grassy knolls littered with abandoned guns.

President Alexander

Oh god! (We hear to glass clink and fast gulping)

(Static from intercom)

Eve Conner

Who's at the intercom?

Monica

No one, I left it to bring Alexander his drink.

Frank Goldigger

Oh great.

Richard Sellers

Now's the time to do it, Eve! (There is a shocked yelp from Conner) Persuade me!

Eve Conner

Errgh! Get away from me you creep.

(Footsteps are heard in the background, getting louder)

President Alexander

M-Monica?

Monica

It's them.

President Alexander

(Whimpers) Mummy!

Richard Sellers

They've been very successful. Perhaps I can get their recipes.

Frank Goldigger

Shut up Sellers! Do you want to be fried?

President Alexander

My stallion is gone! (Glass shatters, he whispers) What are they going to say?

MC:

I'll tell you what I have to say

(Beatboxer starts)

You sought to trick the public

Thought you could make us sway

But popular culture's running down the drain

Like all the rest of the dirt

That comes with rain.

You sit here in your office

Wondering what you did wrong

Well let me shed some light on the situation.

There's been a revelation,

Unique people are now seen as strong

The public doesn't like your discrimination

You won't last long

You're malicious to the core

And everyone else knows

Peace is better than war.

Try to tame the horse that's free

But read a history book and you will see

That there's alway a few

People like me

To remind you

That peace is a true virtue.

(Electronic door closes)