Celebrity Death Island

I have recently noticed that television is being geared more towards sex appeal. Whilst I am an eighteen-year-old male with all the hormones of a rhinoceros on Viagra, I myself am not brilliantly opposed to this. I will quite happily watch female celebrities traipse around in small bikinis, their lithe, tanned, nubile bodies aching to burst from the confines of their tight, clinging clothing…but (before I have to go and take a cold shower and a lie down), this is – surprisingly – not all I want from a television program. Whilst there are certain nights where I will stoop to watching porn (mainly on those cold nights where I have the house to myself), I cannot let my brain be amused by sex alone. I like to consider myself a fairly forward-thinking, intellectual individual and expect the same of my television. For example, when looking for comedy, I don't simply want to see people performing stupid stunts (ala "Jackass"), or just throwing in rude words to get a cheap laugh. I want historical comedy, war comedy, and political satire – something which will require my brain to get in gear and take notice. I also expect the same of my action/adventure films; although I would be quite happy to watch the usual "guy blowing stuff up" film, I would be much happier if the film also had - God forbid - a compelling, interesting plotline (which is why I'm such a fan of the Matrix films).

However, I have not seen any sort of intellectual stimuli in recent examples of reality television. In my mind, they are examples of that which George Orwell coined as "prolefeed" in his novel "Nineteen Eighty-Four" – something to simply entertain the lower working classes. No matter how many episodes of "I'm a Celebrity – Get Me Out Of Here!" I watch, I simply fail to see the excitement in the possibility of a relationship between a Page 3 girl and a failed ex-popstar who's desperately trying to re-launch his career. I'm quite honestly not interested in watching C-List celebrities simply arguing and shagging one another. Therefore, I propose a new idea – "Celebrity Death Island".

This would directly contrast such programs as "Celebrity Love Island" and "Temptation Island", as well as bringing in the survival element popular amongst reality T.V shows. Taking the normal repertoire of failed celebs (such as a few eighties popstars, some supermodels, an ageing television presenter, a comedian and a celebrity chef), I would then mould this with an idea I borrowed from William Golding's novel "The Lord of the Flies". It is an easy-to-understand premise – the basic goal of the program is for one celebrity to have survived by the end of a nine-week period. They can use whatever means they wish, however fair or foul, to achieve this end – they can backstab other competitors, pit people against one another, go it alone – I genuinely don't care. They can use cunning, brawn or cowardice to survive until the program ends – once again, I don't care. The island will be littered with weapons of varying strength; for example, perhaps inside a cave somewhere there could be a heavy munitions cache, whilst out on the beaches all they'll find are wooden spears. The harder an area is to reach, then the better the weapons hidden there will be The island would have to be extremely large, thusly entailing days of exploration and confusion. And as always, I would litter the island with cruel traps such as spike pits and quicksand.

However, I'm not THAT much of a bastard. The celebs would naturally be given a "Basic Field Kit" to start off with. Each of these BFKs will contain one hunting knife, a small bottle of medicinal alcahol and one fraction of a map of the island (i.e if there are ten competitors, each competitor will get one tenth of the map each). Each sub-section of the map wil reveal the location of one low-grade weapons dump, and one competitor's starting point. The most resourceful individuals would therefore try to kill of the weaker fighters so as to get the other sections of the map, or perhaps trade them something from their stock. This would force the celebrities to display certain levels of cunning which they may have not encountered before.

Another important element of this program: the audience would NOT have the right to vote people out (This program is to be a fine example of despotic madness, rather than democratic enlightenment). Rather, taking the whole "Panel of Bitchy Judges" idea, I would form a dark group of individuals known as "The Auditors","The Deciders", or some other corny-sounding name. This group would invariably involve me and my evil friends - and perhaps Simon Cowell, who is about as cruel as a Nazi in a theme park. The role of this group would be to pick out those who have demonstrated unjustifiable weakness during the week - those who have shown emotion or pity, for example. Or of course we could just plainly hate the celebrity in question. Those unlucky enough to have been picked by the Auditors will suffer a terrible fate chosen by the dark group themselves; this could involve being hunted down by a specially-trained hitman, vaporised into their component particles or buried alive. The Auditors would also have the power to offer help to individual competitors if they so desired, perhaps revealing to them the location of various weapons or other competitors. If this was performed properly, the Auditors could in fact bring the two strongest fighters to the same point, orchestrating an inevitable fight which will make good T.V viewing.

Remember that the celebrities will not be provided with food supplies. Rather, they will have to hunt and forage for their own grub, taking what the island provides. They could force others into starvation, using food as a bargaining chip if so required. Again, the Auditors could intervene and provide some of the contestants with food as a reward for a good day's killing, or as an incitement to reach a certain area in which they will definitely be killed.

When all comes to the dramatic pinnacle and only two celebrities are left, the Auditors will close off most of the areas of the island and begin a new wave of pain – the freeing of various wild creatures. The rivers will be littered with piranha, crocodiles and varying types of poisonous snakes. The shallow bays will be patrolled by tiger sharks and demented gulls, who will hopefully peck out the brains of anyone who gets too close. The jungle itself will once again become the territory of nature, filled with tigers, tarantulas, maddened feral apes, cougars, wasps, ants, rhinoceri and pissed-off dung beetles. With most of the island uninhabitable, it will be interesting to see how the final two contestants will perform – one might retreat into the jungle while the other chases, or both might choose to take up small territories in the one area which the animals have not claimed. Seeing as they Auditors will not actually want to pay out the ludicrous cash prize at the end of the series, during this time the remaining duo will either be mauled, trampled or eaten. Perhaps they could kill off one another in a hilarious showdown which involves them both falling off a precipice and into the mouths of hungry sharks. Maybe one will trip over, bite their tongue and die of some horrible infection. And even if one alone survives, the Auditors can quite easily vaporise him/her, taking the money for themselves and enjoying the onslaught of publicity they will receive in the decades to come. – who knows, perhaps the circle of life will come around and in many years time, they themselves shall be contestants on a spin-off of the show they themselves once regulated?

Ladies and Gentlemen – I give you Celebrity Death Island. Please use all of your power as viewers and consumers to get it on screen. Otherwise, I'll have the tigers see to you.